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Devastated is an understatement

(557 Posts)
redtulip68 Sun 11-Mar-12 10:26:03

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

tallwivglasses Sun 11-Mar-12 10:51:27

Red I read your post on Starting's thread and hoped you'd start one of your own.

You need rl support and an appointment with a solicitor. Get benefits sorted quickly. My council has a scheme where they'll lend money to impoverished homeowners for essential repairs. Does your child with ASD have a social worker? Tell him/her this is a crisis situation.

You must be reeling, you poor thing. Your ex's actions have hit your family like a bombshell. One day he may realise the devastation he's caused but you have to detatch from him for your own sanity I think.

Other people more wise will come along with advice soon x

ChitChatFlyingby Sun 11-Mar-12 10:57:33

No real advice, sorry, just wanted to add some support. What a horrible situation to be in.

Your poor DC, they must be going through such an awful, confusing time.

sooooolooooow Sun 11-Mar-12 11:27:32

am so so sorry for the mess this bastard has left you in. right now, you're in the thick of it, the eye of the storm.

believe me, you will come out of this. it will take time and a whole rollercoaster of emotion. you'll feel winded some days, and other days, like you can overcome anything.

allow yourself that on your road to recovery. keep posting and venting. thinking of you and your little ones.

sooooolooooow Sun 11-Mar-12 11:30:13

oh and stop allowing him to call the shots. take back the power and start saying no to him.

you dont need him. if he was to come back with his tail between his legs - YOU should be the one to decide if it all YOU want him back.

Startingagain88 Sun 11-Mar-12 11:43:09

Red, Im am so sorry to hear about what has happened....there are some similartities in our situation, and i understand how you must be feeling.

I am still in the process of trying to work through my feelings and accepting what he had done to me......its very hard, currently i feel like as well as destroying my present peace of mind he has shattered my future happiness... although even ater just five days i am feeling more optimistic.

Your husband has treated you disgustingly to leave you in the middle of night, my EXDH did at least tell me but he didn't stick around long after, he practically ran out the door-he doesn't want to see the devastation and hurt he has left behind-he is too much of a coward to face it.

I know how badly you are feeling and i want you to not that you are not alone i am going through similar feelings.....firstly you must look after yourself and your children....you must eat something....i hadn't eaten since Monday night but i managed to eat a small bowl of soup yesterday....i also am having trouble sleeping about 4/5 hours a night if im lucky at the moment...

My EXDP has also left me in a house in a state of disrepair, and i like you feel overwhelmed by it all and wonder how i will sort it all out..........

keep posting......... i started my thread on Monday evening and i have had hundreds of messages of support and advice from all over the country, invites to stay, offers of friendship, and much love and understanding.

WetAugust Sun 11-Mar-12 12:16:23

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs

Sod the repairs. I would use that money as a deposit on a private rental that was a habitable house for you and the children. The wreck of the former marital home can then be sold.

You need to call the shots here.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 11-Mar-12 12:45:26

After I read your post on the other thread I went looking to see if you had your own thread - you hadn't at that time, glad you have now.

I don't have much to say, just to add my support and to say that seeing a solicitor helps you feel in control, and that one step at a time is all you need to take - this relieves the overwhelm, as does making a (small) list of things to do.

tallwivglasses Sun 11-Mar-12 12:55:11

Oh and you Must Eat. Even if it's tiny amounts. You have to stay strong for your babies because their waste-of-space father has abdicated. What a shit, I don't know how he sleeps at night. Let's hope what goes around comes around.

I'm inclined to agree with Wet August. Get out of that dump as soon as you can.

ModernToss Sun 11-Mar-12 14:41:19

What a complete and utter shit.

No advice (except that it's not really up to him how much he gives you), but I just wanted to offer support. You didn't do anything to deserve this, so don't even think along those lines.

RandomMess Sun 11-Mar-12 14:48:37

I second about moving out to a rented property and put the marital home on the market - is there any equity in it? He can move back in to the marital home, you should be able to claim housing benefit as it is not habital and he is living there provided it is on the market to be sold.

RandomMess Sun 11-Mar-12 14:48:57

Get legal advice asap and assume he is not coming back.

HoudiniHissy Sun 11-Mar-12 16:59:26

Soon you will see that his leaving will be the MAKING of you.

Stop covering for him. Let him make his comments, defriend yourself and block him. Tell anyone that asks EXACTLY what he has done, show him up for the spineless coward that he is.

He has manipulated and controlled you for years I shall guess. Soon you will understand how wrong he was to do that.

It will get better. I promise.

Keep talking.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 11-Mar-12 17:31:46

Sounds to me like the person he met online is just an excuse to run out of the mess he's made of his own and your lives. He can't cope with reality, so has opted to hide his head in a fantasy, leaving his family up to their necks in the brown stuff. Unbelievably cowardly. Put it down to some sort of breakdown if you must, but stop doing everything that he would expect now and start living for yourself and DCs. You can't rely on him for anything now, or trust a word that comes out of his mouth (something you've already worked out by the sound of it).

tadjennyp Sun 11-Mar-12 18:29:30

The private rental sounds like a great idea. So sorry you h has done this to you and the kids. Please eat something so you can stay strong for them.

FidgetPie Sun 11-Mar-12 19:47:33

Just wanted to send you my best wishes - what an awful situation.

I definitely think you should speak to citizens advice / solicitor / council - someone who can help break your situation into a manageable list of problems (probably starting with your accomodation) and help you think through solving them.

What a sorry excuse for a father to have left his children in this situation

I hope you have got friends and family nearby - if so ask for their help. (could you stay with someone for a week whilst you get things a bit more sorted?)

redtulip68 Sun 11-Mar-12 20:50:05

Thanks for eveyone's support. Some repairs have already been carried out by my family. Tried some soup today but it feels like its stuck in my throat, although I know its not. Humps in month and throat so feel a real reck.

I have a solicitors appointment tomorrow but I'm not in the right place to go. I find myself crying in strange places and at strange times to I'm not really willing to go to see the solicitor and pay for an hour of crying. I think I need to be really focussed on what I need to do.

Unfortunately, now my family are upset with me for decideing not to go to the sols tomorrow and rearranging the appopintment for later in the week - its a bit of a nightmare because now I feel I'm letting my family down when they have really supported me financially over the last week. I just feel that I'm being controlled and pulled in several different directions - the children obviously want their father home, so do I really because despite everything I wanted to be in this for the long haul, then I have family members who fear that my husband will return at some point in the future when they have invested financially in my property and emotionally with their support.

In all honesty I just want to scream.

mummytime Sun 11-Mar-12 21:01:41

Most solicitors do an initial half hour for free, and I am sure have tissues, you really do need to start to know what you rights are, and to start to protect yourself and your kids.

FidgetPie Mon 12-Mar-12 00:50:00

If it isn't too late to, I would be really tempted to still go to the solicitor tomorrow - the sooner you get all the info you need the better.

If not, at least speak to citizens advice and your bank - so you start moving things on in the right direction (because that is the right direction). Sadly for you at the moment (although it sounds like in the long run you will look back and feel differently) putting things off for a few days is unlikely to mean your husband changes his mind and agrees he wants to be in the relationship for the long haul.

Take care of yourself

SconeInSixtySeconds Mon 12-Mar-12 02:56:43

Redtulip, have you cancelled the solicitors because then it will all seem real?

This could be the making of you - freedom to start again and have the life you choose.

Practically, get yourself some Rescue Remedy (you can get it at Boots) it does help for those feelings of panic. Go and see your GP so that he is aware and ready if it causes problems sleeping/to your dc. Go and see the solicitor please. He doesn't need to know.

Soon the hurt will change to anger. How dare he treat you like this? How dare he still be giving you orders? You've got to live on benefits because he's decided - he's having a laugh. angry Who made him the King of fecking everything?

PattyPenguin Mon 12-Mar-12 05:36:18

I'm so sorry that you're in this horrible situation, Red. I know you say "I wanted to be in this for the long haul" but I'm very much afraid that you'll have to accept that he's not. It looks as though your family has accepted this and that's why they're upset about you not seeing the solicitor.
I know your children want their father back, but he evidently doesn't care very much about them - he's quite happy to leave them living in a wreck on benefits.
To sum up, he doesn't give a hoot about hurting his family. Why, really, would you want a man like that back?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 12-Mar-12 06:54:13

So sorry sad

Your H has checked out of the marriage - he has made his choices.

There is nothing you can do about this except to protect yourself and your DC financially and legally.

redtulip68 Mon 12-Mar-12 07:21:45

I think deep down I do know that that this is all over but for the sake of by AS DS and my DD. I need to think clearly. AS DS is having manic episode after manic episode. Spoke to his EP last week and told to wait a month ro 6 weeks before seeking advice as this is very nornal but that isnt really helpful when in two hours he had thrown a spade, spanner and a hammer at sibling, then pulled 7 foot doors offa building wardrobe. He has retreated into his obessions and wont come out. DD is refusing to speak to Father full stop. She believes its her job to look after me now and that she has got to learn to look after herself becuase Daddy is never going to do it again.

He has gone, sold his wedding ring to pay for B&B and is sleeping wioth someone he met on the internet. I'm here dealing with the rubbish he saw fit to leave behind.

Got him yesteerday to admit to DC that he didnt leave because I had had an argument, as he had told the children on Saturday but that he had left to 'share resources', his words not mine!, with another woman.DD doesnt beleive a word that leaves her father's mouth but I think she is only doing that to protect me. I want her to have a relationship with her father and I know that this is early days.

I just need to be clear in my mind of the future. The past week has been a whirl of jobs and emotions. I have done so much - reorganised the mortgage, dealt with bills, organised workmen, spoken to DLA, DVLA,been to hosiptal for scans, been to the doctors, dealt with Insurance companies,CSA, HMRC, schools, ES, employers, spoken to solicitors over the phone for an hour, spoken to debt management companies, organised contact, cleared rooms, garden and that now just leaves my mind! And all through it all I have tried to mantain to normality for my DC. I know I'm becoming stronger each day and I know that I have a long way to go.

PattyPenguin Mon 12-Mar-12 07:32:58

Red, you've achieved wonders doing all that practical stuff in just a week and dealing with the emotional fallout. You are amazingly strong and you will get stronger (though there are bound to be temporary wobbles on the way).

mummytime Mon 12-Mar-12 07:52:31

You are amazing for doing all that!
Now other things to think of doing: talk to GP and see if you can get some counselling, do something nice for you (bath, paint nails, watch a film etc.), see if you can get support with your son (I'm not sure how old he is), eat if you can't eat try to drink ensure or slim fast and have a multi-vitamin.

But you have done very very well, and it doesn't matter if you cry, just tell people why.

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