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Foreplay or oral it important?

(96 Posts)
Emmielu Sun 04-Mar-12 17:01:28

I think foreplay is important in a couples sex life. Its that intimacy before having sex & like a huge tease. I've always loved foreplay. But for some reason my boyfriend doesnt. I dont know if its a hygiene thing or hes just not that sort of person. I've brought up the subject of oral sex & hes been fine about me giving him oral sex but not really wanted me to. Once i mention him doing oral sex on me he admits he'd like to but cant. Is it that hes never done it before? Has he been told hes awful at it? Is he unsure if i'll like it? I'll be honest, our sex life is for me boring. He loves our sex life but it is literally either me on top or him on top. Even spicing things up like bringing new positions in doesnt do enough for me to say "WOW!" He doesnt think Lube should be used for anything other than women who struggle to be turned on but even then he doesnt think its useful, i've dressed up once for him & he liked that alot. Sex toys are a no. He has told me his previous relationships have been boring, so would i be wrong in bringing new things into the bedroom? If not, how do i go about it? I feel ashamed & slightly slutty knowing how much is out there & how to use it.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Mar-12 17:02:44

I think he sounds pretty boring, tbh. What's he like out of bed?

DonInKillerHeels Sun 04-Mar-12 17:05:30

Wow; it frankly sounds like he's not very interested in sex. You're certainly incompatible.I'm sorry to have to say this, but it really doesn't sound like this is going to last.

ElusiveCamel Sun 04-Mar-12 17:10:19

DonInKillerHeels said everything I would.

You might find this article Why is it damaging to articulate ?sex? as penile-vaginal penetration? interesting. He sounds like a boring, selfish, unimaginative lover TBH. How long have you been together?

redwineandchocolate Sun 04-Mar-12 17:14:43

Personally because my current boyfriend was the first man to perform oral sex on me and absolutely wowed me with how amazing it was (he was outraged that a man had never gone down on me so immediately did so, and made me orgasm seven times!) I don't think I could ever go back to being with a man who wouldn't go down on me. I sort of look back at the year with my ex boyfriend and feel angry with myself for wasting my time. I know sex isn't everything but I'd always be thinking about what I was missing.

sonicrainboom Sun 04-Mar-12 17:16:52

It's not important if you are the type of man who just sees his sex partner as a thing to stick his dick into. And that type of man is incredibly unsexy and unsatisfying to be with imho, if you enjoy intimacy and excitment.

As for me, I think everything BUT penetration is important, because that's what I actually enjoy smile

EirikurNoromaour Sun 04-Mar-12 17:34:34

He sounds a bit boring in bed! I wouldn't put up with it! Foreplay of some sort is vital. It doesn't have to be oral but you will never be satisfied if he just goes straight to stick it in. He doesn't approve of lube? Nice. How narrow minded.

sonicrainboom Sun 04-Mar-12 17:39:30

No foreplay, no lube - how very selfish. Does he care about your comfort at all?

saintmerryweather Sun 04-Mar-12 17:41:58

My ex was very similar. I gave him hand and blow jobs which he said were amazing, but he refused to go down on me. At all. Ever. He wasn't interested in finding other ways to make me orgasm either. We were together for a year, and in all that time he said he had a mental block about doing it, didn't like the lube I bought and refused to try any others. It took a long time for me to realise he was just a selfish twunt in bed and enjoyed what he was getting from me but wasn't willing to return the favour. If he's not willing to try new things, its never going to get any better.

fabwoman Sun 04-Mar-12 17:43:23

You are asking us questions we can't possibly answer. You need to talk to him and ask him if these things are important to you.

MiladyGardenia Sun 04-Mar-12 18:02:48

Wow. So he basically expects you to be all ready for him just at the sight of his awesomely sexy self? What a dullard.

Foreplay is essential. Oral sex, not so much, if you don't like it (and some people don't). But that's not the point here, is it? The point is that it's all about him and his orgasm. He doesn't really care about you or your pleasure.

Look. If he's fabulous in all other ways and you feel that he really does want to improve your sex life, have a chat with him at some non-threatening time of day. Buy some books, maybe. But if he refuses to try anything, get rid of him, because you will always feel like you're missing out.

glammanana Sun 04-Mar-12 19:08:03

Sounds like a wham bam thank you mam kind of guy to me,buy yourself a rabbit or change the man

BeriBlue Sun 04-Mar-12 19:15:45

Maybe you can use the rabbit to give himself a taste of his own medicine ie suddenly stick it up his ass without lube and foreplay,

nizlopi Sun 04-Mar-12 19:21:40

... but, if you don't do foreplay... how are you ready? I mean, I don't know if I'm odd, but I need a bit of something-something before I'm ready for penetrative sex. I assumed that was basic science/etiquette!

attheendoftheday Sun 04-Mar-12 19:22:39

shock at the idea that foreplay is optional.

If he wants to drive the car he has to rev the engine.

Foreplay is the best bit. And it would be painful otherwise.

AnyFucker Sun 04-Mar-12 19:22:58


He sounds shit in bed

Why would you stick around with such a selfish lover ?

You are not slutty to like to do the things you listed. The fact he has pretty much vetoed everything apart from "wham bam thank you ma'am" says a lot.

attheendoftheday Sun 04-Mar-12 19:28:19

Oh, and why on earth can't he give oral sex? Has he a tongue? Otherwise he could if so inclined. And with much less discomfort than without foreplay.

notverywisewoman Sun 04-Mar-12 19:32:05

recently I was seeing a man who had similar issues. He would turn out the lights for sex and preferred me to lie still and say nothing .He reckoned he had to concentrate and I was distracting him(!!!).He didn't like to talk about sex much and never asked what I might like.Bloody hell, I even put up with it for a while ,I thought I was helping him with his sex problems(many and varied) by being compliant. Finally after a few weeks of this I realized we were not ever going to be sexually compatible.I was frustrated. And bored.So we had an argument about something else and I finished with him.I miss him but not the sex. He can go back to his v big porn habit and leave the real ladies to the real men .Emm, there are men out there who would love to make you happy,in and out of bed,maybe this guy is not for you x

BeriBlue Sun 04-Mar-12 19:43:28

A man who acts like this is basically masturbating using your body. Sex is, or at least should be, something mutual!

LunarRose Sun 04-Mar-12 19:47:44

hang on a sec, some men do just like good old fashioned sex and aren't into sex toys. on the oral sex front personally I quite like giving a Blow job but hate a man going down on me, so no oral sex isn't a must.

TBH just imagine if this was posted the other way round

OP - "DP wants BJs the whole time and wants introduce sex toys, I'm just not into it and really don't like going down on him. I've told him but he tells me I'm boring if I don't"
response - "leave the bastard. He can push you to do something you don't like!!!"

No saying that you're in the wrong either, if foreplay is important to you then perhaps that's where he needs to compromise. but the question here really is are you fond of this relationship even to compromise and work through your sexual incompatibility?

BeriBlue Sun 04-Mar-12 19:51:05

"hang on a sec, some men do just like good old fashioned sex"
You mean, a good old fashioned wanking using a woman's body

LunarRose Sun 04-Mar-12 19:54:33

no I mean not objectifying a woman's body by sticking sex toys into her

LunarRose Sun 04-Mar-12 19:57:25

No offence, but intimacy is what makes sex important, not whether it's sex toys or oral or foreplay. Not everyone likes the same amount or the same things.

That's called choice. One that the man has as well as the woman.

If they want different things that's incompatibility not being a bastard

AyeRobot Sun 04-Mar-12 19:57:55

hehehehe (in a weepy way)at the idea that "good old fashioned sex" means no foreplay. I take it that was back in the days when it was legal for a man to rape his wife?

Sex is foreplay too. It's not just the bit where the cock goes in the vagina, thrusts a bit and the man orgasms.

Bin him, unless you have patience and he is at all receptive to including your pleasure in his perception of sex. Tell him why, if you're feeling brave. Might give him something to think about and save another woman going though this crap.

attheendoftheday Sun 04-Mar-12 20:01:07

I think there's a big difference between no foreplay and no oral sex/sex toys etc. Foreplay is pretty essential to allow sex to be comfortable, surely?

No one should have to do anything that they don't want to sexually, but there needs to be a parity in terms of enjoyment. So if he wants blow jobs and penetrative sex he needs to recipricate in some way.

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