Please - what do I do???

[Lynnlost]

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice .....

We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 3 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year and is currently out of action again, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal.

What on earth do I do????

[squeakytoy]

Do not wait for the next inevitable betrayal.. kick the worthless selfish bastard out today, or pack your bags and leave.

You deserve much more out of life than this. You dont have to be a good little wife.. nobody HAS to. People can only walk on a doormat if it is on the floor to be trodden on. You are better than that, tell yourself so, and put yourself first.

[CiderwithBuda]

He has zero respect for you. Zero.

Why on earth should you have any respect for him???

He won't change. This is who he is.

You have two choices. Put up with it. Or leave. I know what I would be doing.

Oh - if he has been with prostitutes you should get yourself checked out

[AnyFucker]

I can't believe you are still there, and contemplating caring for him during this illness

Leave him

And go via the STD clinic

I am so sorry, this man is an appalling piece of shit. You owe him nothing

[Heavensmells]

You are worth so much more than this.

Please do not let him continue to treat you like dirt. He sounds very self absorbed and controlling and his behaviour is setting a terrible example to your children. He is making no attempt to change so this will continue if not get worse.

[joanofarchitrave]

TBH it sounds rather as if he wants your marriage to end, but is too spineless to say so.

I really am not a 'leave the bastard' type. IMO he has left you; he hasn't shown any interest in your feelings, principles, desires or preferences.

You are not going to have him be loyal and faithful to you. Since that option is not available, what do YOU want?

NB What we say is not really the point. Again, what do you want?

[lazarusb]

Leave. He doesn't even have basic respect for you, let alone love.
Please go to a clinic and get checked out.
You need to start protecting yourself and forgetting about him.

[something2say]

Yes unfortunately I agree with everyone else., it sounds as tho you are trying really hard to keep things going, but he is behaving really badly in the meantime.

All the disrespect about the plans, the family activities, the building of the house, the being left out and so on - this is not how good people treat their beloveds. He is behaving really badly.

Do you feel angry at all?? And I was so hurt to read that you felt you had to hide your crying from him, for his comfort???

I would explore the possibility of you asking him to leave the family home. You could you know, and if he won't leave, you could potentially live there with him and ignore him, don't do anything round the house for him whatsoever, and start thinking about what life might be like without him.

Altho the ends of relationships can be terrible times, they can also bring real silver linings........like, feeling you finally stood up for yourself, or you finally gave your own self an answer and the qs and decisions stopped going round and round your head, you can start thinking about stuff you'd like to do which has had to be on hold or whatever....it isn't all bad.

[Lynnlost]

Thanks so much for all of your replies so far - I hadn't quite realised it looked as bad as this to other people. Thing is, I don't have any family to go to with this, and most of our friends are people we know together, which creates another issue around who to trust. And yes, something2say, I do get angry about it - but the crying is done alone as all it would earn me is another curled lip. After all these years, it sometimes seems as if I should stay for the sake of keeping my home - other times I feel as if I can't take another day.
He says I'm lazy, too - even though when he lost his job I set up my own company in case extra money was needed; sadly, though I made a great deal, it's finished now due to the economic situation. Luckily the money situation was resolved with him working part time, so I've used the cash to pay for us to go on holidays ... excuse me, but how exactly does this add up to me being lazy??!!!!
Sorry to go on about it - it just helps so much to share it all ...

[AnyFucker]

It would have been best for you to use that cash to leave your abusive husband, not pay for holidays with him.

He doesn't love you. Anybody that treats someone so badly does not love them, they despise them.

[eaglewings]

Ask him to leave, why should you up sticks

You do need to find one trusted RL friend, even if it's a mutual friend

Visit a solicitor to find out your rights

Or you could stay put and live separate lives in the same house

Good Luck

[tethersend]

If he doesn't like 'scenes', he may find it best not to visit prostitutes and treat his wife like dirt.

You do not have to prove to anyone that you're not lazy. Mind you, leaving him might prove it once and for all.

Good luck.

[windsorTides]

If you hadn't catalogued what an absolute shit this man has been to you over the years, posters would have known what he was like as soon as they read the words that he has been having sex with prostituted women.

Men who do this despise women. They are crap husbands and terrible fathers.

One of the barriers to women in your position having the dignity to get the hell out, is that you've spent 30+ years with him. That is easily dissembled when you project having to spend the rest of what could be a good life, caring for this worthless specimen of a human being who will get worse not better in old age.

Get out and tell anyone who's prepared to listen that he abuses vulnerable women in order to get his middle-aged sexual kicks.

[OffMeTrolley]

what do you want to do?

what steps are you putting in place to make that happen?

[windsorTides]

And get a great lawyer, so that you don't lose a penny of what you're entitled to.

[AnyFucker]

Imagine wiping this bloke's arse in his old age ?

[oldwomaninashoe]

Basically he doesn't like you, does he?
You are not important to him, he is being critical of you possibly to push you into leaving him? so he does not look the bad guy in all this.
Forget pussyfooting around him, ignore the curled lip, and tell anyone in your circle who will listen about him visiting prostitutes, no one will be impressed with his behaviour, be unpleasant, don't put up with him, answer back, make his life so bloodly uncomfortable that he is likely to leave. Stop being passive and treat him with the disrespect he treats you.
And don't cry alone, sob hystercally in front of him, stop making his life easy and comfortable.He bullies and belittles you because he can,just start treating him with the contempt he deserves and start making plans for that wonderful new life you deserve!

[AnyFucker]

He doesn't like women full stop

[overmydeadbody]

I agree with Windsor.

What you do is you end this relationship. Whether you leave or he leaves or you both leave and sell the house is up to you, but whatever the outcome, you need to leave, and when you do your life will be so much better.

You say you are sacared of losing your home, but what use isa nice house if your life is miserable?

[lazarusb]

He may say you're lazy, don't give him attention etc. but anyone can see that is absolute rubbish. His behaviour is the lowest of the low and no-one deserves what he is doing and has done to you. He doesn't even like you. He treats you badly and doesn't care how he hurts you. It's all about him.

See a solicitor and take steps to end this, for your own sanity and self-respect. Best of luck.

[Lynnlost]

Several of you have asked what I want to do myself ...
What I really want is to find a way to have a proper marriage with him and to have some love and respect; I have trouble convincing myself this would be possible, but I just don't feel brave enough to call an end to it all. I ought to be able to talk about this with him, but frankly I'm afraid to bring it up. My father was like this, too - I spent most of my younger years trying to earn some praise which never came, and I guess I'm doing the same now.
The stupid thing is that, if you all met me, you'd think I was strong and articulate, whereas I'm just pretending to keep it together and not succeeding very well at the moment
How does anyone ever get up the courage to somehow solve this nightmare?

[joanofarchitrave]

Get positive, then.

Tell him what you want. You want a proper marriage; write a list of what that includes (in positive terms; not 'for you not to sleep with prostitutes' but 'for us to be sexually faithful). Talk to him about it.

I personally think he has shown you that what you want is not what he is prepared to give, but if you lay your cards on the table and ask for it, and ask what it would take to get what you want, he might actually tell you. Asking for what you really want is a powerful thing to do for yourself.

[Samiantha]

Wow OP. Not often I would say this, but he really is a piece of work.

It's too simplistic to say leave him, when maybe you can't do it right now, but I think you should really seriously consider it and make plans to leave for the near future. He doesn't deserve you.

What a shit he is.

[windsorTides]

Find a way to have a proper marriage with a man who uses prostitutes?

Not a feminist then, OP?

[AnyFucker]

Why do you want a "proper marriage" with a man like this ?

it's never going to happen, love.

Unless you wish to spend the rest of your life with a man who despises you.

Why would anyone do that ?

[oldwomaninashoe]

I doubt after 32 years he will change and give you what you want, why should he when he is getting what he wants!
You need to realise that a proper marriage with him is not what he wants is it.

If you just lurch along with him you could be spending your retirement years with a bitter and complaining tyrant!

Proper marriage, sorry its not going to happen!