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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So how do I cope with no sex life?

51 replies

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 19:54

DH is lovely, a kind and loyal man, who sadly has no sex drive at all. He is on long term medication which has just shut him down. I have no intentions of leaving him, we have children from the days before things got this bad, tho even then were not great, and anyway I love him. I havent had sex for over a year, and for a year or so before that, and so on for at least 5 years now.

Last night I had an erotic dream about an ex and today I am just obsessed with the idea of contacting him in the hope of a fling. He was my partner before DH and we had a great sex life. Not a family man tho so we parted.

Just doesnt seem fair. I don't want to mess things up and hurt DH or the DCs. But the thought of no sex for the rest of my life is very depressing.

Theres no answer is there?

OP posts:

Report

LipstickLover · 29/01/2012 19:56

Can't think of one... Open marriage, although not sure that really works... Sorry you're in such a sad situation.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2012 19:57

Oh God. I have no idea what your answer will be but I couldn't be happy without a healthy sex life.

Is your DH remotely likely to understand?

weevilswobble · 29/01/2012 19:57

Couldidoit i sympathise. This is a common thread on here, for all sorts of reasons and theres never a simple answer, except TALK about it with him.

LipstickLover · 29/01/2012 19:58

Whatever you do, I think it's best to stay away from old flames...

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:01

You need to have a big discussion OP.

Whilst it's not your husband's fault, it is still a problem for you and unacceptable for you not to come to some kind of mutual understanding, whether that means an open marriage etc. or parting.

How old are you both?

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:02

We do talk. We even laugh about it. But every now and then I just can't see the funny side.

Flings dont work do they? Worst thing for me would be to rediscover my sexual self. Disaster. Mostly I have shut down.

OP posts:

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:03

I used to have a vibrator but have thrown it away, whats the point of having those feelings?

Gahh.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:06

Shut down? Nope OP, not a good idea. Don't think he's being very fair here.

More info is needed. How old are you both? Is it a permanent non sex thing with him?

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:08

My ex (subsequently dead) was T3 paraplegic, Hence nothing worked but guess what, we had a fab sex life. Your H isn't being fair here.

EirikurNoromaour · 29/01/2012 20:09

Will he allow you to have sex only relationships outside of the marriage?

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:11

Also how long has this been going on? Did you have a good sex life before the tablets etc?

Hope this isn't a case of him being selfish and saying, I can't so therefore you can't either?

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:15

We are mid 40s. His sex drive was never brilliant but then he was already on meds when we met. I do suspect he has a few issues too but the biggest problem now is that it just never ever occurs to him to want to have sex. He will if I insist, but hey, how sexy does that make me feel? Not very. Its how I got pregnant tho.

I have noticed he doesnt even wake with a hard on. (Tho can get one if he has to.)

We have talked and talked over the years. He always says he will try harder or whatever. He has seen the doc who checked his testosterone levels (ok). But nothing ever ever changes. He has never (even in the old days) come on to me and I know he never will.

We could never have sex again and he wouldnt notice.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:16

Can he be intimate anyway and want to give you pleasure without being able to get an erection? Do you cuddle and kiss? Can he help you reach orgasm with a vibrator maybe?

For one partner to say, that's it and the other one to have to go along with it is wrong OP.

solidgoldbrass · 29/01/2012 20:19

What would he say if you discussed having an open relationship? Basically a person who doesn't want to have sex and is not interested in making any effort to resolve the situation forfeits the right to insist on monogamy. Your libido belongs to you, not him.

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:21

Well OP. It's unworkable for you isn't it. I personally wouldn't be able to live like that. 40's is young, very young. There is a certain responsibility in a relationship to make the other happy and sex is a big part.

I would personally have a discussion and stop trying to bear the cross and laugh about it to make him feel ok.

I don't want to scream leave him but certainly have that conversation OP, and don't feel guility (as women do) to want to.

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:29

But I dont want to leave him! Not even remotely! He makes me feel safe in ways no other bugger has. And as the product of a broken home I so dont want that for my children.

Hence the dilemma.

In his defence, its not that he wont talk about it, or even 'perform' if he has to, its just that it would never ever occur to him to want to have sex.

I cant just go thro the motions in the sense of asking him to pleasure me. He would do it, and probably get an erection, but its always always me that has to set things up and ask. Its the fact it NEVER comes from him that has led me to give up.

OP posts:

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:33

Do you know what, I might just ask him what he would think if I did say I wanted a no-ties fling, ie some kind of 'I have no intention of leaving you' shag.

OP posts:

LipstickLover · 29/01/2012 20:35

Why did you through your vibrators away? Don't they help you feel less frustrated? I not suggesting you should accept the situation but I think I probably would, but different people different things. Do you have an affectionate relationship... Or are you feeling like you are generally not getting any human contact, ifyswim?

LipstickLover · 29/01/2012 20:36

Surely the only way to have a no ties shah is to pay for it? Would you consider that?

LipstickLover · 29/01/2012 20:37

Throw not through...

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:42

He makes you feel safe etc. You have work to do on yourself then OP. Suck it up and stop moaning or do something about it....

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:42

That for you should be the deal then.

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CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:42

Im black and white LL. I used to have a healthy sex drive and when I feel sexy its great! But when its not reciprocated or chanelled its hell. So anything that relates to sex and sensual feelings I have ditched and suppressed.

I can, on the whole, manage shut down. It kind of leaks sometimes, like now, but is all I can do.

No, cant pay, there would have to be some emotional involvement...yet the ex I have in mind so doesnt want a family/full time partner etc. So sort of ideal.

OP posts:

CouldIDoIt · 29/01/2012 20:44

Mojito, yes I get frustrated at the situation too. There is no easy solution.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 20:45

What on earth do you want people to say OP? There's no magic conclusion to your dilema. Choose to supress and get on with it or not.

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