DH depressed, I've had enough

[HeatherMoor]

I've told him to go away for the weekend so we can have a break from him and he from us.

He's been depressed for around 2 years now - on ad's from GP nearly 1 year. He spent most of 2011 on sick leave. Back in work part time, again, for now.

His personality has changed beyond recognition. How long do I live with this man that I would never have married? He is being awful to the DC and I just can't let it go on, and on.

We have a stressful home life: DC1 (4) has autism, DC2 (1) has medical issues/poor sleeper/very active and lively. I work PT - am main wage earner, main child carer, household manager, and now his carer too.

My wonderful kids are not having the home life I want for them - he is impatient, intolerant, goes around banging doors and generally stropping, snaps at the kids. DC1 has started to say 'I don't love you Daddy, just Mummy' and refuses to let DH do anything for him, it has to be me.

Last night was dreadful - baby wouldn't go to sleep for DH (I was putting DC1 to bed) so he flings open bedroom door, stomps downstairs with baby, into the blazing lights of our kitchen and was banging cupboard doors shouting 'what then?apple?rice cake?' at my confused baby Later in the evening DC1 woke up, he has a heavy cold and is feeling grotty - crying for 'mummy, not you daddy' and for one hour I could hear dh going in, being snappy, stamping downstairs, slamming doors, coming back - I was bf'ing baby who had been woken by this bloody circus.

This morning, more of he same before he went to work. I said 'will you ring that counsellor today?' (he has been given a number for a counsellor that work will pay for him to see - he's had it since May last year and hasn't had time to phone her ) I resolved that if he didn't call her today - I would ask him to clear off for a bit. He didn't call her (says he did but couldn't get through, which I don't believe), so I've asked him to go away for the weekend.

How the fuck I'll manage both kids through the night, I don't know. They both co-sleep but DC1 with DH, and baby with me. DC1 has autism and suggesting he just gets in my bed when he wakes is going to be a big deal. But still, easier than walking on eggshells all the time waiting for DH to fly off the handle. Keeping the kids out if his way. Trying not to say the wrong thing. It's draining. I know he's ill. I know he can't help it. But this isn't the home life I want and it's been 2 years........how long do I put up with this ?

Sorry it's all a bit incoherent/brain-dumpy. Just trying to get my head around it all. We've been together since we were teenagers 16 years ago. I don't want this to end, he is such a wonderful man when he's well. But this other personality is the only daddy dc2 has known. My kids are too important to be treated like this while we wait for the real DH to magically reappear.

[LadyMedea]

Oh dear, you are in a very tricky situation.... A few random thoughts...

• a year on ADs and no improvement, he needs to go back to the GP and ask to try something else
  
• ditto with the counsellor, I'm surprised his work haven't made that a condition of his return
  
• you sound like you are the end of your tether and that this is damaging your DCs.....
  

So I think you need to act, and he needs to agree to a plan of action with consequences if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. Depression is paralysing, but it can't paralyse your and your DCs lives forever. He is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his life.

If I were you I would make an appointment for him with the GP and go along together. Take the opportunity to speak frankly with the GP about the impact this is having on your lives.

Set him a deadline for making an appointment with the counsellor.

Give him an ultimatum of these two things don't happen.

Once these things are in place agree some boundaries for his behaviour with you and the DCs - what is acceptable (him needing time alone and asking for it) and what isn't (yelling at DCs or you). And a plan with regular review points where you can both be open and honest about the situation.

You need to take control, but he stills needs to do the works

[cece]

My DH has depression. Now under control mainly with ADs.

I would make an appointment with GP and go with him to it. My GP told us it was surprisingly common for wives to bring their DH's in with depression.

[Lizzabadger]

Sounds awful. After two years I'd be filing for divorce.

[busymumm]

I'm in a fairly similar situation - in fact that's why I came to Mumsnet tonight. I can't say I have the same issues with children's needs as you, although DS1 does have some autistic tendencies - asking him to do something out of routine can set off a huge tantrum, he had one for 45 minutes tonight which i've had to deal with on my own as I have no idea where DH is as usual.
Looking back DH has had depression on and off for years. But last couple of years got much worse until he started on anti-depressants a few months ago (after getting sacked) and thank god the grumpiness has gone. But his behaviour is still erratic. I work part time, am sole earner, do vast majority of childcare and housework, all finances and am just fed up. He has gambled hundreds of pounds away online, lied to me about it, drunk heavily for five years, even when I was pregnant and might need driving to hospital, almost missed birth of first child because of drink, actually missed birth of second. When is it time to leave?
Don't know what advice to give because I can't sort out my own life! Sorry. But can definitely sympathise.

[Lizzabadger]

Busymumm - it sounds like it's been time to leave for quite some time.

[QuintessentiallyShallow]

Sounds like it is time to call "time" to be honest. He is an adult, he needs to take charge of his own health. Even if he has depression, it gives him no right to stomp about and behave like a nasty piece of shit.

[tallwivglasses]

For some reason we're supposed take it in our stride and have oodles of empathy when our partners gamble, drink, abuse, cock-lodge and generally act like selfish gits because they have mental health issues. Never mind our mental (and physical) health or the well-being of our children.

If you think that right now your life and family dynamics would improve if this person moved out, then I urge you to work towards that - Heather and busymumm.

Once they've moved out of course there's all sorts of other shite to deal with - but at least you and your dc's can start living in a happy house. My house is fraught at times but so much happier

[Sam100]

There is a really good book about living with a partner with depression called "living with the black dog". The author also has a blog
here.

Try and get your dh to read some of it and suggest he goes back to the gp to ask for some different medication and referral to a specialist. Hopefully this might bring back the man you remember.

[HeatherMoor]

Thank you all.

Ladymedea I nodded throughout your post. A lot of sense.

He does see gp regularly. Has had drug changed as he wasn't getting better. Twiddling dosage etc.

busymumm your situation actually sounds much worse than mine: gambling/drinking/missing your children's births.....my sympathies are with you x

I'm not ready to end the marriage, but our home and lives would be happier without this person who has slowly and steadily snuck up and crept in until he's in permanent residence. I want my marriage and DH back.

I told him last night was awful - apparently it's my fault because nothing is where he leaves it ie his gloves which I borrowed. Okay.

[workshy]

my ex had depression (he self diagnosed bi-polar but GP said depression -I think he was a bit disappointed)

I lived with it for 10years

when he was well we had a fantastic relationship, he was loving, caring, fun to be around and sooooo proud of the DCs

when he was ill he was snappy, sulky, almost mute some weeks, would sleep odd hours and expect everyone to tiptoe round the house when he was in bed, picky, nothing the DCs or I did was ever good enough and nothing was ever his fault or his responsibility

it was his failure to seek help that ulitimately led to our split and I felt like the biggest bitch on earth -he was ill, I had chosen to be with him and now I was leaving him?

the fact is staying with him was affecting my mental health, our oldest DC was getting jumpy and very deffensive and our youngest DC was increddibly clingy and had next to no confidence

the decision to split actually took me 4 years to reach so I do know what you are going through -I decided enough was enough when I couldn't remember when the last time I had seen the nice him, and he was prescribed ADs, they made him feel 'wooly' and e wasn't prepared to try any different ones, and he refused counselling as mumbo jumbo

you can only support him so far but ulitmately you have to make a decision about when enough is enough and what behaviour you are prepared to accept

it was the hardest but best decision I ever made -for all of us, including him as we realised I was enabling his behaviour by pandering to him almost as he would make my life hell if I didn't

good luck for the weekend -you my be suprised by how you feel at the end of it

[HeatherMoor]

Thanks for the book suggestion Sam, looking at it on amazon now

[HeatherMoor]

Thanks workshy. You really know where I'm coming from.
It's the 'nothing being his responsibility' that's the biggest deal for me at the moment.

He has been ill before, but never as bad as this or for as long.

[fuzzpig]

I'm just musing here, and I guess it's of no help in this thread, but I've been wondering for ages what determines how somebody deals with depression. Because to me, what you're describing doesn't sound like depression, it sounds like being horrible. But that's because I have depression and it's totally different, I never take it out on anyone else, only myself. I try really hard not to make anyone else suffer because of my stupid useless brain. It is about the only thing I do right I think

Sorry I will shut up now I was just wondering... Why is some depression turned inwards and for others it is turned onto loved ones.

[samhaircin]

Did you notice any big changes after the anti-depressants? Some ones can make some people aggressive. He might need to change to a different one. I wonder if he could do with a referral to a psychiatrist to discuss anti-depressant options (as they would have more experience with them than a GP)?

[solidgoldbrass]

It's OK to throw him out if he is making your lives unbearable. It really is. You didn't sign up for a lifetime's unpaid caring for a difficult and ungrateful patient. More to the point, nor did your DC.
And he is not making any effort to get better, or to consider the rest of you, so there comes a point where you would be better off getting rid of him.

[ViendoOvejas]

Autistic children require endless patience and love at home (they often struggle to find it outside the home, as you probably are already realising). Shouting at a bewildered baby is beyond the pale. And you're the main earner as WELL? He's taking the piss.

Your boot and his arse really need to get together sometime...

[ozirish]

You have definitely had enough. You are making yourself ill over him. There are certain professionals now who are advising people with depression to just get over it. To get on with being positive. Anyway that's just a thought.

My now ex was depressed on and off for most of the ten years I knew him. Married 7 but divorice coming through this March. Looking back he was vile. On and off ad's, also a 'bad back' so on heavy duty painkillers. On and off work for years. I was the main breadwinner, his main support emotionally and physically. It nearly killed me. Had second child just a year ago and he went AWOL on me. Could not cope with life and responsbility. Went AWOL while his mother was visiting from OS. She blamed me, he still blames me for his life. He is now homeless, after out welcoming his stay with new girlfriend (went straight from me, well he was probably sleeping with her when still married as he wasn't with me). I'm still not strong enough as I still allow him to use my phone, the computer etc but after another tirade of abuse 2 days ago I have shut him out. I will not allow him to talk to me like that every again.

Enough is enough. I have been walked over but excused his behaviour as he was 'depressed'. He couldn't go on, he wanted to kill himself. I can't help him, doctors can't help him. He can't even help himself.

You have to let go and believe you have done everything you can. Your children need you to look after them. Your husband doesn't

[ozirish]

Just wanted to add that had 1st and second child when he was well. When life seemed good. But the crashes got worse and worse. He takes no responsbility for the situation he's in. No money, no home, the older child doesn't even notice when he comes to visit. He has warrants for his arrest for outstanding traffic offences. Everything is worse.

I got out just in time.

Don't let it get worse.

[Lizzabadger]

Many cases of depression don't respond to anti-depressants or therapy (CBT/IPT/counselling) and, as you know, as your husband has had it before, it's often a recurrent condition.

The GP/a psychiatrist may not be able to help. He may just have to live with it till (if) it remits and then it's likely to come back again.

[Lizzabadger]

There may not be anything that can be done to help your husband but YOU can choose whether you want you and the DC to have to put up with this.

[Anna1976]

LadyMedea's post of 22:31:27 is spot on. I have had bad episodes of depression on and off, probably since I was a child. Only in my late 20s did i realise there was anything wrong, and it was basically through following the course suggested above by LadyMedea that I sorted things out enough to get to a point of feeling relatively in control of my life. It also led to a diagnosis of ASD, which I'm basically ok with (explains a lot about my life). Not saying this is going to happen overnight (or that your husband has ASD), but it is very much worth it. The way out of depression is taking control, even when you really don't want to.

Set ultimatums (ultimata?), stick to them, and boot him out temporarily if needs be. If he doesn't take control after that, you do have to wonder if he ever would...

[herecomesthsun]

If he has been on 2 anti-depressants, has had this amount of time off work and his marriage is in danger, it would seem very reasonable for him to be referred to local psychiatric services. This might also provide some carer support for you.

However, he is going to need to help himself to get better by complying with advice, taking medication, and indeed seeing the counsellor etc.

[whyme2]

Just wanted to say that you have my sympathy. Living with a depressed partner is hard hard work. I have no advice but entirely understand your desperation for a 'normal' homelife.

My dh has suffered with depression on and off for all of our married life (10 years now) and sometimes I am not sure how much more I can cope with.

[oddling]

Turn this situation around. If you were the one who was depressed, would you seek help in the form of CBT/medication/distraction? I think you would for your family.

I've suffered with depression and it is bloody awful. But I took the medication; went back to get it adjusted when it was wrong, took all the classes they offered me, ate healthily, took as much exercise as I possibly could, read every self help book going... It was so bloody hard and rubbish sometimes, but not as hard as watching my family suffer through my actions.

[strawberry17]

Someone else mentioned it upthread, but some antidepressants can make some people aggressive and behave totally out of character. I know a lot about AD's from my own experience and a lot of reading. It might be worth going back to the doctors and either trying something different or coming off altogether.