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Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

(365 Posts)
kittyfishersknickers Thu 05-Jan-12 22:52:07

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

windsorTides Thu 05-Jan-12 22:57:41

No. I think he raped you and will do it again. I am so sorry. Would you feel able to phone Rape Crisis and have a confidential chat with someone there? I think you need to say this out loud to someone, because I think what you might be doing is normalising and minimising what happened to you, both of which are very common reactions.

kodachrome Thu 05-Jan-12 22:59:36


Flanelle Thu 05-Jan-12 23:00:43

You can't actually forgive him if you're not acknowledging precisely what happened and the absolute seriousness of it. If you rationalise it away what will you do with the bad feelings that are left?

SarahStratton Thu 05-Jan-12 23:00:58

No I would not forgive. It's one of the reasons I divorced my XH. He is not a child, he knows what the word No means, and he ignored you.

Technically it is rape, and you need to make that very clear to him that, IF you do stay, it will never happen again.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 05-Jan-12 23:01:20

Straight answer to a straight question ?


Bangtastic Thu 05-Jan-12 23:01:54

He should be upset. He has no respect for you, and he raped you. You said no, he removed your pants, firmly held you down and had sex with you, after you had told him no.

If a friend said this to you, what would your advice be?

OracleInaCoracle Thu 05-Jan-12 23:01:57


barkwithnobite Thu 05-Jan-12 23:02:12

Calm down Windsor! No force was applied and she gave in in the end. Sounds like a horny husband coaxing his wife into giving him some!!!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 05-Jan-12 23:02:25

If you have decided to forgive, why are you asking us what we would do ?

Memoo Thu 05-Jan-12 23:03:13

Sweetheart, he raped you.

barkwithnobite Thu 05-Jan-12 23:04:33

I think the OP will know if she's been raped!!!!!

Kayano Thu 05-Jan-12 23:04:36

Bark - it is rape

Memoo Thu 05-Jan-12 23:04:59

Bark, you are unreal

solidgoldbrass Thu 05-Jan-12 23:05:30

OK, it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship, but it is also up to you to decide, at any time, that you no longer want to be in the relationship. If, further down the line when this shitbag does it again you decide to leave, no one will say 'Well, you put up with it before, now you have to stay with him, you're not allowed to change your mind.' Or, if anyone does, you can be sure that person is an idiot and can be ignored.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 05-Jan-12 23:06:16

I am appalled. Completely unforgiveable behaviour. Do you really trust him? I could not share a bed with him after that.

What is a 'safe' word? Is 'no' not enough?

Bangtastic Thu 05-Jan-12 23:06:34

Piss off Bark, being married or in a relationship does not make forcing yourself onto and into someone when they have said no okay. Absolutely shocking.

northcountrygirl Thu 05-Jan-12 23:06:46


The "safe word" is bollocks. You said "no". That should have been enough.

kittyfishersknickers Thu 05-Jan-12 23:06:51

AnyFuckerForAMincePie - because I haven't spoken to anyone else about it so want to know what other people's reactions would be. I have told him I forgive him and did believe at the time I had but now not sure.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 05-Jan-12 23:07:21

i cannot imagine a scenario in which my DH, whom ive been with 23 years, would do this, because he is not a rapist.

you have avoided using the word, i think you are minimising what he did. At the very least he put your needs out of his mind in order to fulfil his own, but you know its worse than that, right?

i think given that its still playing on your mind, you would probably benefit from talking it through with someone in confidence.

for me, this would be a deal breaker. i'm sorry.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 05-Jan-12 23:09:07


so you have withdrawn your forgiveness ?

I think that is very wise

trying to brush something like this under the carpet, and make a decision about whether you can go forward with him without discussing it with others would suit him of course

but it obviously wasn't the right thing for you

barkwithnobite Thu 05-Jan-12 23:10:12

... If the OP didn't want to, she should have stuck to her guns otherwise he gets mixed signals and will do it again.

Kayano Thu 05-Jan-12 23:11:46

Nice bit of victim blaming bark. Do one

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 05-Jan-12 23:11:46

yes, bark, it's all her fault isn't it ? (in your world)

northcountrygirl Thu 05-Jan-12 23:12:01


You may well be right with regard to OP's husband. But that is not how decent men behave!

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