Is this it - marriage?

[OnlyMe1971]

I'm sorry to be a misery guts but am feeling really miserable tonight. I've just had a row with DH who has just come home from doing sports and is of course on top of the world cos of all those free flowing endorphins....
Anyway, he's not a bad man at all, in fact he's a lovely, lovely man.
We've been married 7 yrs, together 10.
We are VERY different but up until we had kids this seemed not to be a problem. However, we now spend most of our (few) conversations bickering or arguing. It's not nice. It's especially not nice for our kids, though we do keep most of the bickering away from them.
We hardly talk to one another anymore, even when we got away for a weekend by ourselves (so precious) recently, I didn't feel we connected like we used to.
Our lives have of course been completely taken over by our 3 kids. I feel frustrated at the lack of freedom I have. I don't expect much freedom wtih 3 small children, but I am constantly watching the time, and just rnning aroundthe place like a mad thing with all 3 kids in tow.

Then there's us, we don't talk like we used to, we sleep together maybe one every 6 weeks (and then it's nice so not all bad), we don't laugh togehter like we used to, we do have fun sometimes and on the odd occasion DH might be affectionate to me and tell me something nice, but usually it's just the same thing, day in day out, thankless and mind numbing.H

Honestly, if someone decent male came along now and gave me even an iota of attention I'm sure I'd fall for him!

I go to the gym 2ce a week but recently I've started working again part time so don't get to the gym like I used to and I kno that's bugging me too - how come DH gets to do his thing but I don't get to do mine?

I'm sorry for hte moan, but I'm just wondering, does this sound like your average marriage? I often feel disillusioned and disappointed and sad when I think this is going to be it for the rest of my life.... anyone else?

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

"how come DH gets to do his thing but I don't get to do mine?"
You tell us. How much does he do around the house? How much childcare does he do? Was that agreed, or is it assumed that it's your job and he "helps"?
You sound very fed up, tired and resentful, which might of course be completely justified and might also go a long way to explaining your current feelings towards your DH.

[JollyJinglyJoo]

I'm in almost the same situation as you, OnlyMe- married 9 years, together 11, 3 kids.

DH and I hardly talk during the week- he watches Tvand goes to bed early, I MN and go to bed late. BUT we do try to make the effort at weekends- just a few glasses of wine at home and a bit of reconnection.

I work full time now (for the last 6mths) and do manage to the gym twice a week. I'm lucky that DH can do his gym stuff at lunchtimes.

I've had moments of feeling like you are now- like it is all just work, eat, sleep, but every now and then DH and I will have a good night and it feels better. I found going on holiday really helped- having time to spend with each other and the children was great, and DH spent lots of time with the dc and let me chill out more. Obviously you can't always just jet off on holiday, but even just making some time over Christmas would be good if you can manage it.

What age are your 3 children? Mine are now 7, 6 and 4, and I feel I get more time to myself as they grow up more. they can now do their own thing a lot more, and although we still have to referee, we don't have to be entertaining them constantly.

I don't know what the "average" marriage is like, but I'm willing to bet that most marriages have this feeling of drudgery while the children are young, and that it's not hopeless!

[MartyrStewart]

It's so difficult when you have young children.

DH and I work around each other, we sometimes feel more like co-workers than partners.

We have a 6yo and a nearly 3yo, been together 10 years, married nearly 5.

What keeps us going is firstly keeping Sunday nights for us. We have a glass of wine, and watch something together.

We also have one night a week with no TV or PCs. Eat after the DC are in bed and just talk or play cards.

And it helps that we share the same sense of humour - he can still make me laugh more than anyone else.

Can you talk to him and organise some time, firstly together but also for yourself? I get hardly any time to do my thing, but neither does DH so that doesn't bother me so much.

And my DH can forget to be affectionate sometimes (childhood issues) so I either demand it (give me a cuddle NOW ) or just be affectionate with him to remind him it's nice to have a squidge on the sofa sometimes.

[mumblechum1]

When ours were little and dh worked away during the week we used to get them off to bed early on a Friday, dress the table nicely, have dinner with candles, nice wine, music etc and just chat about our week.

It's really important to prioritise the marriage over everything else, inc. children, on a regular basis imo.

Even now we're middle aged and ds2 is 17, we take one day a month off during the week and go out for a nice long walk & picnic or go for a long lunch if the weather's rubbish.

It's a good habit to have but you kind of have to diarise this sort of thing, otherwise it gets pushed out of the way by work, kids, all the other stuff.

[mumblechum1]

Oh yes, and no TV for quite a lot of the evenings.

We have two living rooms, one with TV, one without and alternate between them so when we're not in the TV room, we fall asleep on the sofa together chat.