Should I get an injunction/non-molestation?

[LadyBlaBlah]

Hi folks
I've only been dipping in these parts very briefly but keep generally up to date in my lurking :-)

I split with my violent and abusive DH in April/May of this year - bit of a blur.

I managed to have no police involved and he moved into a flat after a few months of staying with friends (mine) and relatives (mine again). Every weekend he came back to see the DCs in the marital home and I sort of remained amicable. Although amicable really means me not commenting or challenging him on his continued bad behaviour. He goes through my things (dirty washing, post, clothes, bins), he questions me incessantly about where I have been and I am ALWAYS lying, obviously, criticises what I spend money on, what I have said to whom, goes on constantly about me seeing other men, goes through my phone given the SLIGHTEST opportunity (i.e. even when he finds it hidden, with a code).

And recently he has started to try and blackmail me for money out of the house to pay off his massive debts.

Obviously goes without saying he emails, texts, calls constantly too.

I have really tried to give him the opportunity to change his behaviour for the sake of peace for the children. BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Is my only option an injunction? What shall I do?

[cestlavielife]

to start with, stop having in the former marital home to see the DC.

if he refuses, makes a fuss, bangs on the door etc then record/log his reaction/any threats etc.

get any threats/blackmail etc in writing eg email and take to a solicitor.

unfortunatley your alck of calling police means you have no clear record - but set your boundaries now, and if he does anything which merits calling police then do so.

have you filed for divorce or get any thing legal / written to say you now separated ?

[babyhammock]

Draw the line now
Don't let him back into the house
Keep any abusive or harassing messages or texts
Any nonsense, call the police.

[LadyBlaBlah]

He refuses to take the DC to his flat. Point blank refusal.

He then does all of the above...........shouting how dare I......threatening to have us thrown out, stop money he gives me and DC......etc

I threatened to call the police today because he was intimidating me and threatening me about the very large sum of money he wants which my solicitor has advised me not to sign over to him. He would not leave when I had asked him to and was threatening, shouting, intimidating....I SHOULD have called the police. I had it punched in but didn't connect it. Didn't because I couldn't have put the DC through it.

We have nothing legal to say we are separated - he snidely mentioned that the other day saying "oh as far as I am concerned we are just on a break". Which is bs, but wwhy is he saying that?

[cestlavielife]

he is saying it because either he wants to scare you or he truly believes he will ahve you back where he wants you...

if he refuses to take dc to his flat they dont see him, end of. his choice. not ncie for DC but jsut tell them striaght -"it is better you see dadddy at his palce or outside here because when eh is here we argue" - they seeing the abuse and prob dont want him round either. how old are they?
mine at 6 and 8 were able to tell me they didnt want the arguments on the doorstep or in the home.

i made mistake ff leting exP see Dc at my new place - but is same thing - he has moved out he has his own place, dc should go there to see him or at least go out with him (handovers on door, you dont let him in but get them dressed coats on and wave them off, he doesnt step over the threshold. if he barges in you warn him, the next time you call police.

but - it can get scary if like my exP he then refuses to leave, grabs phone off you etc. keep a mobile in your pocket fullly charged.

if you can, have someone else drop DC with him.

you need to be calling police. it gets a record of this behaviour.

did you record anywhere the violence and abuse eg GP?

dont sign anything to do with money til under a formal divorce settlement.

ask solicitor but given there has been unreasonable behaviour you may / should?? be able to file for divorce right now. ask in legal.

tell him that given his intimidating behaviour adn the fact you now separated, you can no longer allow him in house to pick up DC. make sure you ahve internal bolts you can pull across so if he has keys he cannot open the door from outside. then if he is ranting/raging outside - call police.

arrange christmas contact now - ie they see him at his new place, ideally with others around eg family. then they with you. dont pretend a family xmas.

speak to womens and talk it thru next steps but dont let in your house from tomorrow - and DO call police for any raging/abusive behaviour. it is unlikely he will be charged as will be first offence (for police) but he may get a caution; police can give him a warning not to go near you and your house for a period of time (like a mini injunction) and it will show him you not lying down any more.

but continuing to invite him into your home is asking for trouble.

dont fret about Dc not seeing him for few days ror even weeks if HE refuses to take tehm to his new place. they will survive that.

what is the worst that migth happen if he continues to come into your home?
(dc get tos e ehim but - agression.violence to you maybe dc caught in cross fire)

what is the worst that can happen if he doesnt?
(dc dont see him for a while til he comes to his senses)

[cestlavielife]

also - change your mobile number or block him but get a second pay as you go which is the number you give to him.

that way you can keep his calls/texts completely separate and only need to switch it on /check it when eg dc with him or you arranging contact. and it makes it easier to ahve only his texts voice messages etc all on one phone and not mixed in with the rest of your new life

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

You can't just waltz into Court and pick up a non-mol off the shelf.

You need grounds to apply for an injuntion and, at the moment, it's simply your word against his that he presents any risk to you.

As advised, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you let him into your home and if he kicks off and demands entrance you should call the police without any hestation.

You've done yourself no favours in managing to have had 'no police involved' and the reason he's told you that you are 'just on a break' is because he regards your separation as temporary.

Although you say you have nothing to say you're separarted, presumably your solicitor has a record of when you left him, where you were living at the time, and where you are living now?

Needless to say, you should heed your solicitor's advice and don't allow yourself to be inveigled into signing any documents that your solicitor has not checked out first.

[cestlavielife]

izzy op has remianed in the marital home - so the h prob has some claim on in legally and in his head and thnks it still his home too.

op who owns the home is it in both names (if you married probably technically doesnt matter anyway)

who is paying the mortgage?
do you work are you financialy independent?

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

You're absolute right to correct me, cestlavie. Apologies, OP, I managed to miss the bit about contact taking place in the marital home.

If the marital home isn't in your sole name you may be well and truly stuffed with regard to changing the locks, but accidents have been known to happen - keys can get lost or break and locks need to be changed which could be your starting point

If he enters your home and starts behaving in an obnixious or unacceptable manner, bite the bullet and call the police. IMO you've already given him enough warnings - save your breath and simply get to it if he kicks off again.

Get back to your solicitor with a view to instituting proceedings for divorce sooner rather than later. Your petition for divorce will make an ideal christmas present and may serve to disabuse him of the notion that you're 'on a break'

Also, ask your solicitor to write to him setting out your proposals for contact with the dc which is to take place outside of the marital home.

If he won't agree to you dropping the dc off at his flat and him returning them or a similar plan, I would suggest that you tell him to make all arrangements for contact through your solicitor and refuse to communicate with him on the subject.

Frankly, if they have to witness his abuse of you on a regular basis, putting your dc through a visit from the police to haul their df's arse out of the house is small beer. You may find that your dc express some relief that they're free of watching him throw his weight around and go into one whenever it suits him.

[LadyBlaBlah]

Thanks guys

To try and answer your questions:

Records of abuse? Although there has been no police involved he is on the Relate Perpetrators course and I believe there he has admitted to violence and signed something about it? Not sure. I have a support worker from WA too. Just to say there are outside agencies involved but not sure if enough.

I have not started divorce proceedings and when I saw my solicitor last week (for first time) I said I will think about it. I think the time has come.

We are joint on the mortgage. And as for money it is all a bit complicated. I have always paid half of everything (and I would argue more - he has racked up huge debts many many times) but this year I set up a business on my own and have not been drawing wages - so did not contribute between April and September of this year - baaaad timing.

What can I do with regards to him entering the house now? Can I say he cannot come in???

[babyhammock]

and that despite being on the perp course he is still making your life a misery and that you are very fearful of what he will do next. Therefore you feel you have no choice to apply for an order inorder to protect you and dc from his unpredictable violent outbursts

[cestlavielife]

yes the fact that outside agencies are involved is very helpful. shows you been down the proper routes - but despite the course he is still behaving as before and you fearful - so in that case yes - just tell him he is not to come in the house. put extra lock on. keep telling saying that you fearful of what he might do.

yes you can just say he cannot come in. record with your solicitor his behaviour this time.

you have tried and it isnt working.

he isnt respecting the boundaries/respecting fact you split.
i ahve one of those exes.

go to solicitors today to ask what order you should apply for. maybe occupation order ? file for divorce tho a.s.a.p .
getting an injunction could be costly (i was told £2500) - so you could try the route of telling him "it isnt working you coming into the house, so from now handovers will be on the doorstep[or elsewhere] and you will need to take Dc out or to your own flat"

[LadyBlaBlah]

Thanks for the advice

I wish it would all go away but it just won't will it

He absolutely respects no boundaries and no other person. He is getting away with all of this because of the DCs - I am trying to minimise disruption to them and it just gives him free reign to still abuse me. I feel so sad that he continues to do it............ Think the only thing he is going to understand is a warning of some description from the police or courts or solicitors.

I need some peace

[cestlavielife]

how old are the DC?

if very young - it is fine, just tell them dad has gone away with work or something vague.

of older, then explain in simple terms that you want to avoid arguments by not having him come in the house any more.

this is disrupting the DC, they will be noticing and suffering from it. it is like he hasnt moved out for them. the worst thing i did was visits from dad in our new place.

[cestlavielife]

ps he mightget worse again by you setting the bondaries - however, if he is not in your house then is easier to deal with. if he is outside the door ranting - you call police.

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

Look, it is not benefiting the DC to allow this man to carry on abusing you. For one thing, it's teaching them that it's all right for a man to bully and harass a woman because it's up to the man whether the relationship is over or not. Let them see that abusers are not all powerful and can be made to either behave like civilised people or lose all their privileges. You can arrange things so the man has no direct access to you whatsoever - all communication through your solicitor, handovers of DC done by someone else etc.