advice please .

[worriedhubby1]

this is my first and probably last post ever here. for those who are prepared to read with an open mind thank you and your advice will be much appreciated.
For those who are going to launch into their default mumsnet 'slag off the man/girl power/ women stick together mode please move on as I'm not interested in your biased opinion.
This is a serious matter to me as it's my marriage so only open minds will be of any help. Ok lecture over.
I've reached a point in my marriage where I honestly feel like the same problem has been cropping up for years and it's reaching a stalemate and if it goes on like this i dread to think what will happen. I feel drained, exasperated and totally frustrated.
I work long reasonably long hours and away one night a week in a very high pressured job. My wife looks after our young children and finds it equally as stressful and busy and hectic.
For the mostpart we get on well. we both fancy each other, have a reasonable sex life and still have a lot in common.
My problem is we always seem to be arguing and falling out over the same things. Namely what I would term as RESPECT issues. And there NEVER seems to be a resolution that lasts more than a couple of days despite big proclamations and promises which always fall flat on their face.
My wife continually drags up things from the past (no not affairs or anything like that) whenever we have a disagreement about something - even if it is totally unrelated.
So for example I could be having a relatively innocuous argument about an every day relationship thing and she'll literally just start picking the worst things that I've ever done in our relationship from maybe 5 years ago and start throwing them in my face - clearly as if to say 'you have no right bringing anything up to me'.
It climaxed tonight with her telling me , without a hint of irony, that any time she says anything out of line to me or does anything wrong it's because my 'behaviour and actions have made her do it.' Which basically means she can never be in the wrong, and I can never be in the right. In essence - when she's in the wrong, even that is my fault.
Often I will try and trigger some kind of resolution by saying 'right lets talk/ make up etc' but 80 per cent of the time she will storm out into a different room for hours on end, or frequently go and sleep in another room and the disagreement then goes on for a couple of days until I admit i'm wrong and say sorry. This is a frequent occurrence and it drives me insane. Makes me feel like throwing the towel in.
I am far from the perfect husband (who is) but recent things that have really worried me include trying to take her on a romantic break away only to be told "i'm not in the right frame of mind with you at the minute to do it " only for her to organise a family holiday with her parents just a week later.
Also constantly goading me about being on anti-depressants (not a major depression problem and dose relatively small) saying things like "Get back on your tablets" in a really sarcastic tone any time we disagree on something.
I don't understand why she is so hard on me. As I said I am far from perfect but I do give her a good lifestyle and i'm always telling her how great she looks, trying to encourage plenty of intimacy and also fun times together, But it's hard to be with someone who NEVER thinks they are in the wrong.
A couple of years ago she admitted it was wrong how she always storms off and lets arguments linger overnight etc and said she would stop it - yet she has failed to even remotely live up to that so far.
I don't even know where I'm going with this but as things stand I really can't go on like this. There's no point talking to her about it because every reply just begins with her talking about herself and how hard she has it and how bad it is being married to me.
Sometimes I wonder when she looks down on me so much why she would even want to be with me anymore.
A seriously tired husband.

[hiddenhome]

She's suffering from serious resentment and is losing respect, both for you, and for the marriage.

I'd say you need couple counselling asap. You're never going to persuade her out of her mindset whilst she's feeling like this. She needs to talk to somebody.

(I've been there, recovery is possible).

[youngermother1]

Without living your lives, it is difficult to advise much, but it appears you are unable to communicate without one of you taking offence. Normally people behave in the way you describe your wife because they feel they are being attacked and need to defend themselves.
I can only suggest you need to have some form of counselling so you both can learn to have a discussion which outlines how you both feel, without either of you being at fault.
If you have a stressful job and she is a SAHM with young children, you both probably fail to understand how hard the other finds things and get exasperated, despite neither being 'wrong'.

[nickelbabe]

yo udefinitely need counselling asap, like hiddenhome says.

it sounds like this is too big a barrier to sort out on your own.

for what it's worth, though, i think she sounds a little bit controlling - like she wants to "win" the argument all the time, and if she can't, she's bringing all this other stuff up to make you back down.

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

Could be any or a combination of several things, worried - and hidden is right about resentment and counselling. But, either:
a) She's depressed, but can't acknowledge this, maybe because it's taboo for her and she has some (misguided) idea that one of you has to be 'sane'/'happy'.
b) She hates staying at home, and feels that the fact that you're out and about (and earning) means you're life's OK whilst hers is drudgery.
c) She treats you like this out of habit. Which isn't to say that your 'in the right'. And that's not a dig, btw.
Whichever of these is the case, counselling is probably the best way forward, because it looks like without it neither of you will budge and you'll just get more and more unhappy.

[mummymccar]

I agree with hiddenhome. It sounds like she hadn't dealt with some past issues and holds a lingering resentment over them. If you have tried working this out between the two of you over a long period of time but to no avail then it may be a good idea to try marriage counselling. It sounds scary but it may be exactly what you need.

[worriedhubby1]

nicklbabe to be fair in any element of my life she is defintiely not controlling at all but in arguments she is never in the wrong. that's what so frustrating

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

Ach, your life.
you're in the right.

Didn't realise how tired I am.

[YuleingFanjo]

She isn't being fair RE the mental health issues but RE the rest of it I think you'd need to be more specific about what it is she is continually arguing with you about to get any good advice.

Counselling might be the right setting to do that, would that be a posibility?

[slavetofilofax]

I agree with the counselling advice. It sounds like you have a good marriage ultimately, but you both need help to deal with some of the things you are dealing with because it sounds as thoug things haven't been resolved properly in the past.

Counselling will help you both to face up to the real issues and deal with them, and you will work out if things are too deep rooted that they will never go away, or if you are able to move forward.

[YuleingFanjo]

oh and, although it's great that you give her a good lifestyle - From experience I can say that sometimes it's not what is needed. I personally don't need 'things' I need love and affection. I find it really annoying to be tld about all the material things I am provided with. could it be that she doesn't really feel like she should be grateful for those things?

[pollyblue]

Yes, would she consider couples counselling? It sounds like you've both got locked into a certain pattern of behaviour that you can't break, and you're both losing respect for each other.

[troisgarcons]

Well, I'll tell you what the problem is.

Your wife!

That was simple enough.


She's at home bringing up children. I assume she gave up a career to do so. She's resentful. It doesnt matter how nice/appreciative/high earning you are - in her eyes its your fault she's stuck at home.

I'm not going to probe why you are on Anti-Ds although I can hazzard a guess at a stressful job, sole breadwinner, unstable economy, job security and a mardy bloody cow at home wanting to pick you to bits.

On the other hand I'm not married to you so for all I know you might be one of those who bang on about how grateful the wife should be, at home, not having to work, days are her own whilst you slog away bringing home the sponduliks .

As I said I am far from perfect but I do give her a good lifestyle and i'm always telling her how great she looks, trying to encourage plenty of intimacy and also fun times together

She doesnt actually like or respect you - you are a cash-cow

How much younger than you is she?

[Cherriesarelovely]

Sorry you are having such a horrible time OP. I can relate in some ways since my DP works away much of the week plus has to travel abroad alot. I also work PT but am the primary carer for our DD plus my disabled MIL. I'm obviously not in your relationship but can I just say that there is something uniquely difficult and lonely about being the one "left at home". It's not that I don't appreciate the very difficult job that my DP does, she (we are gay, not sure that I need to say that but just to avoid confusion!) is fantastic and as considerate as a DP could possibly be but I still feel abandoned sometimes when she is working or away when we are having a crisis at home or just coping with the day to day drudgery of it.

That is not to say that we are having a tough time because, fortunately we are not but I'm just trying to imaging where your DWs frustration/resentment is coming from. She is certainly very angry and unkind in the way she communicates with you so that must be coming from somewhere. I really think that talking to a counsellor would be a good option for you. It is horrible when you are trapped in this sort of viscious circle. I wish you both luck.

[Dozer]

Does your wife actually want to be a sahm? Are the dc little? Do they sleep at night?

Do you do 50% of childcare and domestics in the hours you're home?

Why is she pissed off with you?

Agree that counselling could be helpful.

[Dozer]

Being at home can be damn hard. Ime (have done both) work is much, much easier (for me) than being at home.

[worriedhubby1]

troisgarcons she isn't younger than me and again i have to be honest she definitely does not treat me like a cash cow. she is very careful with out money and if anything im the one who is irresponsible with it. my issue is plain and simply why she makes me feel that she doesn't respect or look up to me in any way. I never thought we'd be one of these couples.

[KittyFane]

Two people each with their own stress- you at work/ mild depression and her at home with DC.
Could you show her what you have written here or write (copy) it for her?
You come across as a reasonable man, she is defensive (hence never admitting she is wrong) and displaying resentment (dragging up other issues into arguments).
Do you know why? Is she just taking her general frustration out on you or do you think there is something more to it?

[MorrisZapp]

What are all these arguments about?

[Groovee]

I think you need counselling/mediation. We have a family member who behaves like this as well as towards other family members. She can be very spiteful in this way and has caused numerous family argument.

If you can get to the bottom of it then maybe you can both begin to work at rebuilding things.

[worriedhubby1]

Dozer yes i definitely do 50 per cent of the child care when i'm at home and i do house work too - cleaning, vaccuming, making up rooms, gardening - we both work our fair share and she does work hard in house too.

[worriedhubby1]

i mean as i even write this she's in a different room (after storming out again) and I'm yet again not even sure if she'll come into bed tonight. If she does it will be with a back turned to me and making me feel like I have to say sorry or there will be no resolution to this. I feel like I'm too old for this (and i'm only in my early thirties). Just seems like such a waste of a marriage. like we're in constant competition to prove who has it the hardest - that's what it seems to come down to. Aaaaargh.

[Winkly]

Does she agree there's a problem with how you argue? Can you discuss it with her when things are calm? Relationship counselling is a good idea, but if she's willing to change there are some good Relate books on communication and arguing 'properly' for sale.

[Cherriesarelovely]

your last sentence says it all OP! I have known so many friends in this position when they have young children. It is bloody hard work for both. I think it is virtually impossible not to get into that sort of "I'm more knackered than you" to some extent. Maybe, as well as considering counselling, do you get the chance to just go out for a drink together sometimes? If you are not getting on well at the moment then a "romantic weekend away" could be a bit too much pressure.

[KittyFane]

OP - If she does it will be with a back turned to me and making me feel like I have to say sorry or there will be no resolution to this
This sounds manipulative. The silent treatment. She's playing a game if she does this.

[oreocrumbs]

Can I ask a bit about the anti depressants. I ask because my DP has suffered with depression, and we always coped with it, about once a year he gets really bad, then he comes out of it and normal life resumes. He was in a bad phase when I had DD, and it was awful, he didn't offer me the support I desperatly needed, he was cruel sometimes. Throw in my mix of hormones and perhaps a bit of 'baby blues' and the resentment grew. The way you describe your wife - always being right, storming off in arguments, bringing stuff up from way back - that was me. DD is now 15 mths, and our relationship is back on track (pretty much). However I have caused alot of problems by being that way, shutting myself off from DP, refusing to discuss where we are and basically withdrawing my support of him. I have damaged our relationship as much as his depression did.

I think what I'm basically getting at is, was there any behaviour/events prior to you going on to medication that may have caused this damage?

Every time DP gets down (just normal down like everyone) I often find myself saying or thinking go the the bloody doctors I can't do this any more, I'm so frightened of going back to that darkest point for us. I'd like to make clear I do love my DP very much, and I do want to be supportive , I know he has problems, but my automatic response is attack now and that is sad. Its only by me consciously stopping myself from behaving this way that we have started to move forward. We are both working hard.

Agree councelling would be a major help - my DP refuses (due to his back story) but I think it would have really helped us to communicate.