Should I put up or get out?

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

I think I want to divorce my husband. But I wanted to chat and I've no one in RL to chat to about this.

It kinda has all came to a head this weekend, but I'll start at the begining. Ok, so before kids we both liked to go out at the weekends and get drunk, or stay in and get drunk. Whatever, alcohol featured as did staying in bed till afternoon, nursing hangovers. Not really an unusual story there.

So four kids later (1 set of twins) my OH still does this. He think as he works hard all week he is entitled to relax at the weekend with a few drinks (I work four days too). Now a few drinks means enough to be drunk, he sits up till about four or five in the morning on the computer chatting to people (probably looking up porn) and listening to music. And funnily enough he won't get up in the morning - in fact he very rarely surfaces before 3-4 pm at the weekend. I have tried shouting and bawling, I have tried cajooling, I've tried pouring cold water on him, nothing works. He either doesn't get up or if he does he is so foul mooded I wish I hadn't bothered.

So on Friday night I was feeling a bit sick and ended up spending the whole night with D&V. I told him i was ill and that he should go to bed as I was not going to be able to get up with the kids in the morning (the kids are 7,5 and 2 year old twins).

He ignored me and went to bed about 5am drunk. And would not get up in the morning. So on Saturday I had to get up with the kids after spending the night puking and having the runs. When he finally got up at 5.30 pm his firsts words were 'jings what a mess' before disappearing out to buy his dinner as oven chips and chicken nuggets that i had made the kids didn't appeal.
And then he wouldn't even help me change the sheets on the bed (one of the kids had puked) or put the kids to bed so i could relax.

The worst is he doesn't really see what the big deal is.

its not just me is it?

[Pickadaytocelebrate]

No it's not. Sorry, it's that simple.

[SmellslikeDEMONcatspee]

No It's not just you.

Sounds like you have 4 DC and a teenager

[PeppermintPasty]

Christ alive, it is SO not you. Get out, to answer your OP.

[GypsyMoth]

Teenagers are more human than that. He is a joke. Always been like that has he?

[FetchezLaVache]

He sounds like a vile, vile man. If he doesn't see how unreasonable that is now, he never will and apart from anything else, your kids deserve to grow up with a better example of how a man should treat his wife and family than that.

[cestlavielife]

to answer your tile - get out of this relationship employ an au pair who will eb much more use to you

if he wants to continue to be a teenager/early 20s type then he doesnt get a family to go with it.

if you putup it will just continue he has no incentive to change

[mummytime]

Well what are you getting from this relationship? There is a reason the marriage service says "In sickness and in health", and he's certainly not there for you in sickness is he?

[fuzzynavel]

Yep OP, I'm with the others. Alcoholic manchild

[Doha]

He is taking the piss big time, living the life os a single man with no responsibilities, If you have a DC of 7 then this behaviour has been ongoing for some time.
He is all the man he is ever going to be --and to be honest he is not a man at all.
Give yourself a break, you would probably have Less work at home if he was not there.
Time to tell him to sling his hook OP

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

Thank you everyone. Usually I just sweep it under the carpet and carry on. But it a is becoming more and more aparant that he sees all of us as an inconvenience. Will post later once I get the kids to bed

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

So despite this all happening on saturday I uttered my firsts words to him since Saturday (although I think he secretly likes it when I don't speak to him). I said, 'I want you to leave, or we will.' Him ' Are you still in a mood, ok, I apologies, I was out of order '(goes back to reading paper).

Anyway I said no its not ok, I'm out, either you leave or we do. And to that he replied 'fine'.

He then when to work (he's nightshift). But the thing is he won't leave, he'll be back in the morning, and thinks if he ignores it long enough I will just let it go. As I have done in the past too many times.

How do I make him go (bearing in mind we own the house toegether), can i just change the locks (already thinking of the kids faces if he is banging on the door ).

He has never been violent. He does sometimes watch the kids on his own, I work four days a week and he will pick them up after school depending on his shifts. But he always makes it clear to me what a hardship it is for him and how he doesn't get any 'me' time. If he does pick them up after school as soon as I come in about six pm thats him finished - he will not help with homework or to bath or bed them.

[elinora]

Would you want to spend your retirement together when the children have left?

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

Elinora, in a word, no.

My life is full and busy with the kids at the moment, and I get enough love and affection from them. But no, without them I would be very lonely.

[GypsyMoth]

No you definitely can't just change the locks

[FetchezLaVache]

He's astonishingly selfish- how much "me" time does he think you get? I think you should seek legal advice. Could you afford to rent somewhere with the kids while it all gets sorted out?

[CailinDana]

See a solicitor. You can't actually throw him out of the house but if you start divorce proceedings he'll start to get the message. You'll be so much better off without him. I know it will be a hard process but it'll do you so much good in the long run. Good luck.

[PeppermintPasty]

How are things today switchtvoff?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Unfortunately though you will become an actual single parent by doing this - he won't let them interfere with his drinking time so he probably won't be arsed seeing them

[ImperialBlether]

Better that than let the children see every day how little they and their mother mean to him.

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

He is nightshift so went I got up this morning (had a long lie - thanks to strikers) he had very kindly bought me a ponsetta plant from Tesco to say sorry. And a packet of maltesers each for the kids. I guarentee he went to bed thinking that I will be all sweetness and light when he gets up and well will forget about it.

I don't know if I'm more pissed of that he thinks a £1.75 plant will appease me, or if I'm more pissed off at myself that in the past it probably has worked 'for the sake of the kids'.

If you asked him he would say he loves me. He loves playing the family man in a kinda look at me way - if he does anything with the kids he posts it on facebook i.e a photo of them outside the cinema (but when they came back spent the night moaning it cost him nearl £30 for him and the boy) . Ideally he would keep us in a wee box in a cupboard and bring us out to play with occasionally.

I could afford to rent somewhere for the kids and I but I would struggle to pay that and half the mortgage too. I have told him if he moves out i won't expect him to pay half the mortgage and that if he wants the equity I we can sell as soon as the market picks up ( I would need a mortgage for 100K and only earn 25k so don't think i could afford i myself).

We shall see what he has to say when he gets up.

[switchtvoffdosomelessboring]

PS the poinsetta is in the bin!

[PeppermintPasty]

Ah, the festive flower! The bin is the best place for it!!!

Be less disruptive for the children of course if he moves out of the family home, but it sounds like he expects it to blow over again. Good luck.