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DH Crossdressing - in terrible shock

(24 Posts)
AjaxFindus Tue 01-Nov-11 20:12:08

Have found out DH of 10 years has been secretly crossdressing for most of that time.

Found a stash of tights, clothes and makeup that aren't mine and he eventually came clean.

He says it doesn't happen often, but usually when he feels a bit 'down' and never when our DCs are likely to be around.

He is adamant he doesn't get a sexual thrill from it, and that he doesn't fancy men.

I feel sick that he could have kept this from me for all this time and don't know where to go from here. I know it changes things for me but I love him and the life we have/have made together.

Please help me, I'm scared. sad

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 01-Nov-11 20:14:37 are the people to talk to.

TheFidgetySheep Tue 01-Nov-11 20:16:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frutilla Tue 01-Nov-11 20:20:41

What's a giant shock for you may have come as a relief to your DH as it must have been a burden for him to keep this kind of secret from you. Do you think he was trying to let you find out? I really hope you manage to work things through, am curious as to how he kept this hidden for so long.

Northernlurker Tue 01-Nov-11 20:22:27

Well he needs to be absolutely honest with you now - are you sure this is his only behaviour (that you would find difficult) that you didn't know about?

antlerqueen Tue 01-Nov-11 20:23:11

What are your fears, exactly?

Mutt Tue 01-Nov-11 20:28:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicBread Wed 02-Nov-11 03:04:14

Crossdressing is really not always about sex. Can't say I understand it myself - I find it stressful to have to do my face and put on fitted clothes with tights and heels! But I know a lot of women find it relaxing, and so do quite a few men. Please do read the Beaumont Society's website.

venusandmars Wed 02-Nov-11 08:50:04

Of course you feel shocked Ajax, it is a shock to find out something surprising about the person you love. So accept that however you're reacting and whatever you're feeling is OK for now.

My best friend's dh crossdresses, and like you she found out about it after many years of them being together. My friend went to see a specialist counsellor which she said really helped her to maintain her own perception of herself as an attractive, sexy, sexual woman. It also helped her to set boundries, so for her she is clear that he does not do it when she is in the house, he never uses her clothes, he is responsible for washing his own clothes and for keeping them in an agreed place etc.

Fifteen years later they are still together, and although they have had their ups and downs, at the moment their relationship is very close and happy.

I only know the limited bits of her dh's side that he has shared with me. But i do know that he is not gay or bisexual, he is not sexually attracted to other men, he still likes and fancies women. He said to me once that it reminds him of being a young child, dressing up, acting things out, freedom to experiment and play, and no responsibilites.

tigermoll Wed 02-Nov-11 11:51:43

The vast majority of male-to-female crossdressers are NOT gay, nor do they want to be women. It is a reasonably common passtime (for want of a better word) but because of the shame and secrecy surrounding it, many people feel too embarrassed to tell anyone at all.

I can see why it would be a shock, especially after so long, but there is no need for it to change anything at all in your relationship, - he is still exactly the same person. I think maybe on some level he wanted you to find out, - keeping this secret from the woman he loves must have been difficult for him, but he obviously feared how you'd react.

I hope you can talk to him, and that he can calm your fears about what this means to him. You don't have to get involved with his dressing up (although some partners do, and find it fun) but hopefully you can find a way for you both to make your peace with this harmless, private habit.

HauntedHengshanRoad Wed 02-Nov-11 15:05:01

Big deal. Chacun a son gout, and all that.

Faylalu Tue 13-Nov-12 13:23:24

My husband is a CD and it's fine - he's still the same person. I think the shock is him not telling you for all those years, rather than the actual clothes - I felt the same way - Im supposed to be his best friend, the person he can tell anything to and I wont judge. But suck it up, and try getting involved with it - take him shopping, buy him a lipstick. I actually find it quite fun! More imporatantly though is to talk to him about it! My dh is not gay and he gets a thrill of wearing women clothes because it is so taboo - but he looks adorable and I want more than anything for him to feel happy, comfortable and secure at home. He's still the same guy, just in a frock! Good luck! :P

quietlysuggests Tue 13-Nov-12 13:34:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag Tue 13-Nov-12 13:38:34

Big deal. Chacun a son gout, and all that.

This actually happened to me and I was unable to say any of the above ^^

YouOldSlag Tue 13-Nov-12 13:39:48

Easy to say Big Deal when it hasn't happened to you. I was laid back about cross dressing until my EXDH told me he did it. Frankly I hated it and it fucked everything up.

Itchywoolyjumper Tue 13-Nov-12 19:31:22

What Faylula said. My ex was (and probably still is) a cross dresser. Its a bit of a shock at the time but he's still the same lad you fell in love with. I'll bet he didn't tell you because he didn't want to lose you. Take your time with this, because until you feel comfortable with this it is a big deal. Be gentle on yourself and on him. The Beaumont Society are amazingly good at supporting people through this. PM me if you need a bit of a chat.

Itchywoolyjumper Tue 13-Nov-12 19:33:58

Pants! So it is Quietly, that was some of my most considered advise there, as well.

QueenieLovesEels Tue 13-Nov-12 19:54:31

I don't think I would cope well at all with this in my relationship. I dated a man when in my early twenties who had this kink and I have to say I couldn't get past it. It affected how I viewed him sexually so we became friends.

YouOldSlag Tue 13-Nov-12 20:01:06

Queenie, yes it does affect things sexually. Our sex life died a death forever when he started wearing women's nightwear to bed and shaving his legs. it sounds like a line from a comedy but it just made me confused and sad.

FarrowAndBollock Tue 13-Nov-12 20:03:40

How do you know Quietly? [genuine question]

YouOldSlag Tue 13-Nov-12 20:05:00

Farrow, it's in the dates. One post is Nov 2012 and the one before it is Nov 2011

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Tue 13-Nov-12 20:07:31

What does Zombie thread mean?

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Tue 13-Nov-12 20:08:11

Oh! Old?

FarrowAndBollock Tue 13-Nov-12 23:09:09

Oh, sorry, I thought it was a troll blush

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