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Mil (who I consider toxic) will be here in an hour. I'm pg and really want to stay calm. Bring lavender and relaxing oils this way!

(23 Posts)
2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 11:02:47

My mil as a person is ok. She's interesting, Well travelled and educated. I'd you met her at a party you would think "nice lady" however, as a mother, he does not deserve the title.
She is bi-polar, and has come off her medication. Year ago. I understand she has mental health problems, and has had them all the time I have known her and that's fine we support her, she does however, use very manipulative, selfish, vile behaviour towards us excusing it as her illness. This is not the case. She knows what she's doing.
Dh is an only child and aunts, uncles ect won't help as she is so demanding of them. She has pushed everyone away. He has a very stressful job and is a wonderful husband and I have seen him break down so many times (when she calls ranting at 3am for example) because he doesn't know what to do with he anymore. She is completely of the rails and refusing help. Yet wants us to bail her out when she won't play along with our rules. Eg- she isn't allowed to call at 3am. She still does and when we tell her that's not acceptable so we are not going to see her today as we are tired. she calls my dh names and then rings hours later crying saying sorry . Therefore he worried feels guilty all day.
Her current "thing" Is that if she blows all her money she can live with us. So we then have to watch what she's spending and tell he off. I just want her back on the meds because she is easier to handle. I know it's her choice but surely a mother would do anythIng for her son, and he's told her he's cant cope with her like this.
Anyways I could go on for days! She will be coming to sty for the night in about an hour. Initially we told her she couldn't stay with us as we don't have the room and I'm 13 weeks pregnant and still feeling a bit rough. When my parents stay they get a hotel. So she got a hotel last night. Bit has announced she is staying tonight and will be here in an hour.
I just wanna stay calm. I jut want a nice time but I know she's gunna wind me up. Help!

mrstiredandconfused Tue 25-Oct-11 11:17:07

You need to put your foot down - you have already told her that you are unable to accommodate her and she is being unspeakably rude to just announce that she is staying. Is your DH around or are you on your own? Are you expecting your first? If so then you need to make sure that you don't set a precedent - once DC is here it sounds like she could get worse in terms of making demands.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Tue 25-Oct-11 11:18:42

So we then have to watch what she's spending and tell he off.

You don't "have" to do that, no. Let her blow her money if she chooses to; she's an adult. You are not there to watch her, scold her, and then pick up the pieces after her. Do that for your DC, as that is appropriate parent-to-child behaviour, but not for MIL.

she isn't allowed to call at 3am. She still does

Why do you pick up? When you pick up and hear it's her, hang up on her. You are stating your boundaries (good), but then letting her walk all over them without consequences! (making your boundary-setting worse than useless)

Initially we told her she couldn't stay with us as we don't have the room and I'm 13 weeks pregnant and still feeling a bit rough. When my parents stay they get a hotel. So she got a hotel last night. Bit has announced she is staying tonight and will be here in an hour.

You set boundaries, and then don't stick by them. She knows she can get away with it with you two.

I suggest that when she turns up at your door in 45 minutes, you don't let her in. You told her to get a hotel because it's not convenient for you to have her stay over. It's still not convenient, why change your position under pressure from her? Yes, it will be hard. Yes, she will turn it on you, and try to make you feel bad for sticking to your guns. The alternative is to continue to let her walk all over you, because she knows she can.

mrstiredandconfused Tue 25-Oct-11 11:19:04

BTW I have MH problems myself - it is one thing to be sympathetic and help in any way that you can, it is quite another to give in to demands just because someone isn't well.

LydiaWickham Tue 25-Oct-11 11:20:18

Go out. Lock the doors. Don't have her to stay. She is not your problem. She will go back to the hotel after a few hours.

LydiaWickham Tue 25-Oct-11 11:21:21

Actually, yes, telling her no, she can't come in is better than not just being there.

you need to put the boundaries back in.

bessie26 Tue 25-Oct-11 11:23:52

Sorry, I have no real ideas of how to deal with someone like that, but I would think you have to be firm & consistent, if you've said she can't stay, then she can't stay - could you book her a hotel room & arrange a cab to take her there at a time that suits you?

<wafts lavender & passes the rescue remedy>

2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 11:33:05

Thanks ladies, dh is here and agrees completely. We have booked a room in a b&b tonight round the corner. We will go out somewhere for the day as arranged, but she doesn't sleep here. You see I wouldn't answer the phone, let he blow her money ect. But dh feels responsible. I tell him not I answer but he says what if it's the time she harms her self (she threatens to) she is so manipulative that the lines of her illness and her being toxic are blurred. Poor dh is so stressed about it. We had clear rules about her and future dc's befor we ttc. We are in full agreement what th score is when they are born. I suppose that's it, we have to put the ground work in now and it like having a stroppy teenager who you have to tread on eggshells to avoid episodes. Dh is great at it and bit by bit we slowly make progress. I have no patience and just want to tell her why she does to he wonderful son and she needs to thank he lucky stars she has him coz if ah was my mother I would have washed my hands of her along time ago. (necks rescue remedy and douses room in lavander oil)

2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 11:33:57

In terms of her illness she is I a huge high aswell, has been for months so is extra challenging.

mrstiredandconfused Tue 25-Oct-11 11:42:44

Good for you! Stay strong and DON'T let her walk all over you both - like having a stroppy teenager, it's no use putting in boundaries if you aren't going to enforce them

<hands chamomile brew>

Katisha Tue 25-Oct-11 11:49:40

Why has she come off her medication?

2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 12:01:22

She's off the medication because she wants to feel things. She says it numbs her (which it's supposed to!) and now as predicted she's on a massive high which feels amazing to her so there's no change with the meds. She lied to her dr to come off them. She was very almost sectioned 2 weeks ago when a neighbour reported her to the crisis team. Dh will not let her be sectioned. I think she should of then she has no say and she will be forced medication. I get his point that mental hospitals are not nice places and he doesn't want he there. I feel she needs to be there. It's like his heart vs his head.

Katisha Tue 25-Oct-11 12:03:29

Can your DH go and talk to someone to get professional advice on how to handle this? His GP? Her GP? It's all very well wanting to look out for her but he (and you) is not equipped to know what is actually for the best.

2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 12:10:32

I agree, and so does he. But we're not sure who to turn to! The crisis team were useless and made things worse, saying they would call her back buys not so she got an a rant! Then she wanted to stage a protest about the nhs (on her own, which involved shouting at the receptionist in the local hospital) We have told her we want her to be a good grandmother. She has grandmother, she has never mentioned the baby. She's too wrapped up in her own world at the mOment. We just can't get through to her

Katisha Tue 25-Oct-11 12:18:09

My gut reaction would be to book an appt with your own GP for advice. It is affecting you both as well as her.

bessie26 Tue 25-Oct-11 12:44:29

Would MIND be able to help? (or are they the "crisis" team you mentioned?)

<brings chocolate & plays soothing whale song>

DontGoCurly Tue 25-Oct-11 12:57:51

She sounds like she might be in a manic phase. The spending etc

Is there any way you could get her sectioned and get her back on her meds....?

DontGoCurly Tue 25-Oct-11 13:00:03

Oh sorry I see now your DH will not let her be sectioned.

Does he understand Bipolar?

He is doing her no favours by preventing her being sectioned. She needs to be. She's manic atm.

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 25-Oct-11 16:16:19

I might be wrong here, but if mil was ill enought, don't think dh could stop her being sectioned.

CleopatrasAsp Tue 25-Oct-11 16:23:24

I have complete and utter sympathy with you - and your DH - BUT you are facilitating her behaviour. I think you know this already and would have set boundaries in place long ago if it was your mother, it is your DH that is letting you down. He sounds like a lovely person but he needs to put you first, you are pregnant and need his help to put a stop to this stress. It is all very well trying to be a 'good' child to a parent but there comes a time when you have to realise that they are an adult and responsible for their own choices (even when ill) and that you are an adult as well and entitled to put your life and immediate family first.

You need to enforce boundaries and it sounds like you need to make sure your MIL takes her medication - and do whatever is necessary to ensure this even if it means she has to be sectioned.

mrstiredandconfused Tue 25-Oct-11 17:10:04

How are you doing OP?

2wwmadness Tue 25-Oct-11 17:50:15

Sorry I'm back! Dh can't stop herbeing sectioned if she's a danger to others or herself. She isn't classed as being a danger to others, and he steps in and stays with her when the crisis team intervean so shesnot a danger o herself. That's what I meant. (she lives 2 hours away)
I need to work on him, he's been sole carer of her all his life. His grand parents helped loads and basically lived with them untill they passed away when he was 17. He thinks she's passed learning new behaviours. I itching it's worth a shot. He just doesn't want to give up on her, which I understand. He des everything to keep us happy and I just feel he's gunna snap.
After a shaky start today (we waited in for her as she was coming at 11, rang at 12 saying she was at a national trust place and got here at 1) I nipped to the shops for a few hours as I was to angry to see her. She had obviously been "told off" by dh when I got back as she was very quiet. Went to super market where against tried to buy all the clothes! (we settled in a jacket in the sale) she's so high she was just manically grabbing everything! The jacket was a result) we have ordered take away and she's current on the phone in the garden
Shes calmed down alot at th moment. Gunna try and hav a chat with her. He I lovely when she's just chatting. It's just the manic-ness! Oh and she's fine with the b&b! Surprisingly!
I will look at the mind stuff with dh. The crisis team I know is with the nhs, that's all I really know?!?

mrstiredandconfused Tue 25-Oct-11 23:47:42

Oh dear 2ww, sounds challenging to say the least. MIND sounds like a very good idea- at the very least they should be able to tell you where to go from here. Does she have a cpn? Is there any way of making contact if she does have one?

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