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Don't understand my reaction

(16 Posts)
ButWhyIsTheGinGone Mon 24-Oct-11 20:49:17

Hi all!
Really need some advice - feeling quite low at how I've reacted today.
I have a male friend - a lovely, attractive, interesting guy in his mid forties. We've been friends for three years or so: ever since I moved to this town. He works abroad for about 30 weeks of the year, during which we talk and text most days - I miss him a lot. He's intelligent, funny and opinionated - he doesn't give a shit what people think about him, but he's dignified and can stand up for himself! (I'm aware I'm sounding like a lovestruck loser here!)

He is my best friend. He knows my worst bits (termination two years ago) and my best bits (work promotions, new house, etc). We have a comfortable relationship despite mutual friends repeatedly asking us when "we're going to get married" etc.

He knows I used to want something more with him - I made that clear a few times when pissed, and fair play to him - he's made it clear I'm too young for him (am 27) and his worklife would not be conducive to a relatuionship.

We've been ticking along nicely as flirty friends for a while, but today I brought a friend out (we're on hol from work) and she got ridiculously drunk and straddled my male friend and said some stuff which I don't really want to think about. In fairness he was embarrassed and got her off his lap as quick as poss with the bare minimum of silly male comments but I wanted to fucking rip my girl friend's head off! I felt so insanely jealous but WHY??? When she finally fucking left she kissed him full on the mouth and I wanted to CRY - WHY am I feeling like this??? sad :-( I really really don;t want to be with this guy - it could never work, but I thought I'd got over this rubbishness. :-(

stayforappledunking Mon 24-Oct-11 21:12:49

Because you do want to be with him and you havent got over it. Personally, I would consider putting some distance between you and your friend. You cant just turn your feelings off...you can try to ignore but they are still there. If he is adamant there is no chance for both of you, then being flirty friends is just going to keep your feelings going and not allow you to move on.

livingonthedge Mon 24-Oct-11 21:16:50

I agree that you are not over him. I don't think that this necessarily means that you have to drop him now but just be aware that you will need to drop him if he ever does get a partner. Another thing to be careful of is that your feelings for him are not stopping you getting involved with someone else. Are you single/dating? Do you want a relationship or are you secretly holding out for him?

FabbyChic Mon 24-Oct-11 21:19:05

Thing is you care about him, and whilst you know you cannot have him, you probably couldn't handle him being with anyone else either, whilst he is single there is in your head always the possibility that he might change his mind.

MigratingCoconuts Mon 24-Oct-11 21:40:02

Sadly, he is just never going to be into you in the way you are with him.

I agree, you need to distance yourself totally otherwise this sort of reaction will happen again and again.

What are you going to feel like when he does find someone???

Get out of the friendship now, while you can!!

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 24-Oct-11 21:45:05

Does your female friend know about your attraction/feelings for your male friend? If she does, then she was being deliberately cruel to you, and it's the friendship with her that you should be dropping as a priority.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 25-Oct-11 07:40:51

Thanks for your responses - sorry I posted and ran but I was just shattered.
I was about to reply along the lines of "I CAN'T distance myself from him" but you know what? You're right. If I saw a similar thing happen again I would react exactly the same. (And no, my girl friend doesn't know how I feel!)
So I'm going to do exactly that.
I think partly I felt so resentful that he just carried on letting her do this - normally he HATES loud drunk people getting in his space, though admittedly it's not often gorgeous women!
I don't DO jealousy, it really is the most corrosive emotion. Right. Problem solved. Thanks for replying xxx

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles Tue 25-Oct-11 07:45:30

You're very brave - good luck smile

MigratingCoconuts Tue 25-Oct-11 09:41:02

I wish you well.

He's probably a very nice person but you deserve someone in your life who loves and adores you.

This is a really strong decision and its the right one too. You are right about jealousy and how damaging in is.

Good luck. We are always here if you weaken smile

PrimaBallerina Tue 25-Oct-11 12:04:41

OP have you ever told him how you feel when you're not pissed? Is there a chance he just hasn't taken you seriously, especially if he doesn't like it when people are drunk and loud?

You're not too young for him. I agree that if he's really not interested you should move on but I'd definitely make sure that's the case first. It sounds like a good basis for a relationship to me.

stayforappledunking Tue 25-Oct-11 14:48:52

It sounds more to me that he likes the attention from you only. Good for the ole ego you know? Sure he is a nice enough chap going by your posts but having strong feelings for someone is never productive (unless it results in weight loss through pining away grin) you don't have to never be friends again, just some distance. Good luck smile

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 25-Oct-11 18:02:29

Hello all - I've seen him today through chance and things were fine. When I'm off work we usually text most days to meet up but today I've refrained. I do have "strong feelings" for him, but know that's not enough. Thing is, we would be perfect IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT. I think at brutally honest level we both like each other and find one another attractive, but for whatever reason we're both not going to make the necessary changes to our lives to give it a go.
My reaction yesterday was probably quite "dog in the manger" - one day he probs WILL find someone, and I need to be prepared to be happy for him as his friend. It's not at all scary once I've written it down! I thought I was going to be pining after him forever (hopefully losing weight at the same time!) But this has really put it into perspective!

BearWith Tue 25-Oct-11 18:57:49

Err, you in denial if you think you can remain friends with him ('as his friend' - ?!) and not get hurt. But good luck whatever you decide.

MigratingCoconuts Tue 25-Oct-11 19:34:09

but for whatever reason we're both not going to make the necessary changes to our lives to give it a go.

Is that 'we' or just 'he'??

Don't you think you'd be there in a shot 'making changes' if he made the slightest suggestion that he was interested?

Like Bearwith said, don't get hurt

Katisha Tue 25-Oct-11 19:41:08

I think you are going to have to lay off texting him every day. It's as if you are in a relationship with him without actually being so.
for your own sanity I think you have to back off as you are always going to be hoping he will see the light about you one day and you will have wasted years of your life when you could have been considering other possibilities.

I have seen this sort of thing at work and it's always the woman who comes off worst.

He is probably a commitophobe anyway.

MangoMonster Tue 25-Oct-11 19:45:01

I think you do want to be with him but that's just my opinion. It's going to be hard for you to meet someone else while you're still in contact with him.

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