Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I overreacting? Please tell me!(44 Posts)
Just had a horrible Weekend with DP, again left feeling angry, frightened for the future. In a nutshell DP suffered a nervous breakdown earlier this year and is now on AD's, it been a pretty bad 8 months tbh and really has taken its toll on me. The issues have always been with him, lack of self esteem, self hatred culminating in complete melt down. Anyway thought the meds were helping and things were getting on an even keel. But recently found a message on his mobile phone "saying loved having tea, come again soon xx" I did challenge him @ the time and he said it was a client, I said I thought it was an odd thing for a client to send this. Anyway fast forward to Saturday night, must admit I got a bit drunk (nothing to be proud of but there you go) and I brought up this stupid phone message and it turns out he has repeatedly been lying because it was not a client but woman he knows from the workplace ( she really is not a very nice person), he said there nothing in it at first, basically I did not believe him, eventually he admitted that they had a good chat, she took his mobile to put her number in and then came to his workshop to offer sex a couple of days later( she does this with anyone in trousers from what I hear). Anyway I digress, I actually don't think he has done anything but it is the deceit and the lies. He also told her about very intimate things is has just made me see red as I was not "allowed" to discuss this with anyone. He also made a point of saying that he is propositioned all the time. I had enough of listening to his crap and went to bed. Sunday morning he starts on me again, literally going over top, saying I am always accusing him of having affairs ( I dont) telling me I am always being unfaithful ( we have been tog 18 years and I have never been unfaithful) calling me horrible names and accusing me of being a control freak, he then fucks off for 3 hours with the dogs. I was hoping he would calmer when he got back but no starts again, saying I don't let him do anything, he is not my puppy dog, god this sounds ridiculous. Basically I could even look at him after this last outburst and spent to rest of the day ignoring him. This morning he has gone to off gone to work and kissed me on the cheek like nothing has happened. I just don't what to believe anymore, I feel sick. Is it the illness of is he just him being a horrible bastard, none of this makes any sense anymore
I dont think this is the illness. (My husband had a nervous breakdown last year, and I cannot recognise any similar traits after he was recovering). From what you have posted, it sounds more to me like your husband is goading and pushing you to kick him out, so that he can absolve himself from any guilt. The guilt of seeing or being attracted to someone else. I dont think you are overreacting at all. His behaviour is that of someone who is cheating, not someone who is recovering from a nervous breakdown.
Squeky, you might be right but I get such mixed messages from him, the past few weeks he has been saying how much he loves me and DS and wants to makes things up to me, knows he has a mountain to climb. I pretty sure he does not find her attractive in the Slightest, she is the county bike as it were and he actually very prudish about that. It seems like he was going out of his way to make me jealous and then when I reacted he went crazy... I just dont know what to think.
If I were you I would tell him you both need some time apart, before this escalates further.
It also feels like he is very concerned about feeling your approval - all this shouting and justifying and trying to move the blame away from himself is an expression of how terrible he feels and how much he wants it not to be true. I don't thing it is that bad for him to accept a confidant it was just a terrible choice, but maybe it was the only open approach he has had from anyone to discuss himself that wasn't you or a professional.
I would guess that he too doesn't want to be seen as 'only' getting a woman with a reputation as a friend and attacking her won't do anything but reinforce this.
This must have been an awful year and it would be easy to give up but please be sympathetic he is obviously hurting and confused. If you push him away and condemn his test of how much you love him will have come down on the side of 'she doesn't really care' so be careful how you react.
I hope it goes well for you both
Have his mental health problems been properly assessed? This sounds like more than depression to me. In fact it sounds exactly like my friend's mother who has BPD.
Are you sure your haven't got a friend with MMHDD?
Sorry I don not understand the "do other people on hear have friends" am I missing something
blossom you say at the start of your post that the past 8 months have taken their toll on you. That's a serious concern for you to sort out: whatever may be ailing your partner, you have to take care of yourself first. What can you do to release some of the stress that his past illness and current behaviour are causing you? (eg. days out with friends, massages, heartfelt talk over tea with a close pal, ...)
Regarding the question at the end of your thread, whether it's the illness or his nature, he is being a horrible bastard to you, and you do not deserve to be falsely accused, labeled, ignored, or ranted at, nor should your partner be able to pretend nothing of this happened so that he doesn't have to be put in front of his responsibilities. Depression does not absolve people of responsibility for their own behaviour, btw. Is he able to listen to how his behaviour makes you feel, and empathise enough to stop doing things that are hurtful to you?
ionysis, you really are a nasty piece of work, aren't you?
You sound like you would be happier out of the relationship. Do you love him?
If it us Bi-polar disorder would you be prepared to be his carer, to deal with this kind of behaviour forever?
Personally I would be sitting down with him to give him an ultimatum about getting some help and sorting himself out and if he didn't do it I would move on.
Why? Because I asked if his mental health issues have been fully diagnosed? Is that not a pertinent question given the behaviour the OP describes?
I wonder whether he's enjoying the attention from this other woman a bit too much and is trying to get rid of his feelings of guilt by blaming you for being unfaithful and for blaming her by saying she offered sex.
Him telling her very personal things and accusing you of being unfaithful are giant red warning flags in that respect. At no point has he accepted any responsibility for what is happening, its either your fault or her fault. That's a concern.
He needs to stop seeing her, full stop.
Being depressed or having mental health issues is not an excuse for treating your badly at all.
Ionysis, In answer to your question, no I am not 100% sure he has been diagnosed correctly that is a perfectly valid comment, but I think it was the comment abou friends someone was refering too, did you post this by accident?
What bizarre responses
OP, it matters not whether this man has mental health issues, he lied to you, verbally abused you and projected all the things he does himself, on to you.
You also seem to be believing his stories about the predatory woman and making some pretty shit judgements about her sexual morals, but none about his.
Guess what? Even if she really did offer him sex and take his mobile phone, he could have said "no thanks" and deleted her number in front of her, with some harsh words about snatching his phone.
But he didn't did he?
Exactly what winsorTides said.
What ever label you put on it, its still the same crap.
I belive that Missingfriendsandsad was making a point that I often in my replies refer to friends, acquaintances or past experiences to illustrate why I am asking a question or making a statement. I believe it is common practise on forums like these but Missingfriendsandsad clearly belives its an over-used trope. My response was to her post.
The reason I asked the question is that all anti-depressants are not made alike and it may be that different medication might be able to get him on a even keel more effectively, depending on his condition. Often GPs are not really very knowledgeable and it needs a psychiatrist to drill down to the underlying issues and precribe the correct meds.
I assume having supported him for the last 8 months you are looking for suggestions as to how to continue to stablise your partner and the relationship as well as some personal support. It must be so difficult not knowing if it is HIM or his illness which is the root cause of this suffering you are going through. The answer is it could be either but until he gets his illness under control you won't know.
Of course, there is absolutely NO obligation for you to take on his issues, to accept being treated poorly or to wait and be patient while he attempts to sort out his issues. This is a choice only you can make, if you think its worth it or not.
Windsor, I hear you loud and clear, those are exactly the things I said to him and that is why it turned into full blown argument. I know the woman and she is a complete unfraithful slut and a horrible bully, but as you say no matter this is about his horrible behaviour. Of couse he should not have given her his phone, he seems to so proud of himself about not taking up on her offer. It seems like he is going out of his way to make me jealous and then acting the wounded victim when I suggest something is amiss. I actually feel sick, I have just spoken to him on the phone and he is acting like noting is wrong.
Very strange responses upthread
OP, I don't like the sound of your husband.
He is playing nice/nasty in a way that could not be explained by a mental illness.
It appears calculating, and designed to 1) put you off the scent of something by being nice then 2) turning nasty to make you feel it's all your fault
He is exhibiting some classic behaviour of a cheater. I don't believe his "prudishness" about not being attracted to the thought of some extra marital sex. Don't buy into his comments about the "county bike", that makes both of you sound horrible.
He is also projecting bad behaviour on to you. Counter accusations of cheating, in the face of no evidence at all, are a red flag designed to confuddle you into bending over backwards to prove you are not
Even if he isn't cheating, or considering it, or on the brink of it, he is being absolutely awful to you. He is effectively isolating you by insisting you cannot discuss how his illness impacts on your life. Then he finds a willing female ear to pour it all out to (possibly disrespecting you all over the place in the process)
Suspicious and unacceptable behaviour from him. All of it.
blossom, please stop referring to this woman as a "slut"
Join the discussion
Please login first.