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We are struggling as a whole family. I dont know what to do to fix it.

(15 Posts)
sadfamily Mon 24-Oct-11 09:12:15

Brief history. Met DH when DS1 was 3 years old. We have snce had two boys together. boys re 9, 4 and 10 months.

I have namechanged, but i suspect once I start typing it will be obvious who I am.

DS1 is currently undergoing investigations for ADD and aspergers. After being dx with dyspraxia and poor auditory processing disorder. He also has a heart condition which has got worse since he was diagnosed with it when he was 9 months old.

DS2's behaviour is horrendous at the moment. I quite often end up in tears each day because I cant cope with it. HV has been around and is coming again today, but he doesnt listen, violent, refuses to sleep and eat properly. She has referred him for hearing test, but is pretty certain he has ADHD. sad

DS3, has tonnes of allergies, reflux, doesnt sleep too well and cries alot. I have been on ad's since he was 2 months old.

DH says hes burnt out, hes working 5.5 days a week. then he says he has to come home n deal with ds2 being horrible, ds3 crying all the time and DS1 and the frustrations of getting him to remember to do stuff we ask him to/listen to us, sit still. He seems so sad and down. He has told me he doesnt feel like he has bonded with ds3 at all and he thinks ds2 doesnt like him.

By half 7 this morning his voice had been raised over a broken bowl. DS2 had a cut foot. I feel hes not coping. Part of me wants to shake him and tell him to get a grip, he sees them for an hour or two before bed, its me who spends ALL day with them and the battles that go along with it It broke my heart when he said he hadnt bonded with DS3 and he doesnt enjoy the kids. I did suggest yesterday that he needs to take time for himself n maybe go to his mums for the night n think about what he wants, but it was shrugged off. but th going to his mums would cause more stress. She is elderly, ill and I seem to e picking up the slack there too. We have no other family round here, I fear mil is on the cusp of dementia. Plus she is going for a biopsy next week on her intestines.

DH has no holiday days left as DS3 was in and out of hospital when he was born, and i was before he was born, due to early labour.

I work bloody hard all day, I am usually quite crap with housewok/cooking etc... but at the moment DH is coming home to tea, I am completely on top of the washing and the house is fairly clean and tidy so there is no added stress for DH to do that when he gets in. He does put baby to bed which seems to take less time for him to do than me due to seperation anxiety. DS2s bedtime is always a battle.

What else can I do? I think hes depressed but he shrugs it off n just says work is stressful at the moment. He does seem to be shouting a lot more lately...

sexlife is crap, we do have sex maybe once or twice a month and are planning a night away with friends this weekend. With no DC's. TBH we get out away from them more often than most. I dont know what more I can do. I am exhausted constantly and feel like I have everything on my shoulders.

sadfamily Mon 24-Oct-11 09:51:20


ContraryMartha Mon 24-Oct-11 14:19:16

I couldn't read and not reply.
So sorry to hear about all you have going on at the moment. It sounds as though you and your DH have so much on your plate.
And you sound so lovely and thoughtful for your DH, when you too are obviously busy and trying to keep on with it all.
I am so pleased to read that you and he are going away next weekend.

A couple of thoughts:
Could you plan some time for your youngest son and your DH on the weekends? Some time to bond...
Can you make an appointment for your DH with his GP?
A huge round of applause from me to you. You are doing so well, with so much to do.
Bedtime battles are won with bribery.
You need time out too. Is there someone to babysit for you if you go out and do something fun- cinema? Day spa?
Also, no awards are given out for fancy meals. I am sure whatever you are feeding them is just fine.
And lastly, hugs to you and please know, you are doing a bloody marvelous job.

Dozer Mon 24-Oct-11 16:53:45

Sorry things are hard. You might also get some good advice in the SN section, as sounds like the DSs' SN are a factor.

Why is your dh shouting? That's unacceptable. Does he pull his weight with the boys?

With respect to his relationship with the boys, some men say stuff like your dh when they haven't invested much in their relationship with their dc or have made mistakes as a way to detach themselves from all responsibility for the problems, eg "he's a difficult child", " he doesn't like me" etc. When perhaps they (not you) need to make more effort, be around more or other changes.

Also, it isn't your job to take all his stress away, you have just as much if not more to cope with as him. hope he's as considerate towards you?

Sorry if this sounds negative about your dh, but you sound like you're trying really hard in difficult circumstances, and sounds like he may be part of the problem.

colditz Mon 24-Oct-11 17:02:44

Dozer, have you dealt with a child who has ADD and ASD? A saint would shout, and most people are not saintly.

I guarantee that the eldest's SN are a major factor. I have an 8 yr old with ADHD and ASD and he is nothing like his peers. He's a lovely child but his inattention and lack of communication makes him a liability.

The second child may or may not have ADHD but a violent and badly behaved child is not endearing, regardless of the reason for this behavior.

And thirdly, you have a third baby who screams all the time.

I don't think, in that situation, that I would be bonding with the baby either. And I would be saying things such as "He's a difficult child" because with all due respect, they all sound like bloody difficult children!

I'm not surprised you're knackered, your life sounds very hard and very stressfull, and such a life will take it's toll.

Instead of packing him off to his mother's, pack him off to a friend instead. Let him spend one of the weekend days doing the things he used to do pree children. Then the next week, you go and spend a night at a friend's house. It sounds like you both need the respite of being away from your children.

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Oct-11 17:26:45

Is your 4 year old child in school, yet?

Do you go to work outside the home?

It's hard to bond with a child when there's so much else going on in the house. Would it be possible for your husband to spend MORE time, not less, putting the little one to bed? Could he spend a couple of hours on his own with each child at the weekend? One-to-one is easier and a better relationship can develop then.

I think it's important neither of you get into competitive tiredness etc - you're both in a really difficult situation and the only way to succeed is to pull together.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like you need a lot of help and it's so sad you can't get it. Just thinking along those lines, though - do you have Home Start (I think it's called) in your area? You might benefit from a volunteer calling round once a week.

Dozer Mon 24-Oct-11 18:11:26

No colditz I don't, don't have any clue what it's like, just didn't want to leave the OP's post unanswered and why I mentioned the SN section of MN, v sorry if my reply was unhelpful OP, and if I was too negative about your DH. (Maybe been reading about too many losers on here!)

sadfamily Mon 24-Oct-11 19:41:14

Sorry my DS2 has been ill all day.

DH is amazing with the boys. He does bedtimes most nights and sends me off to the bathroom for a long soak in the bath. He knows I have it harder than him. And yes he shouts. But so do I. I know its not acceptable but sometimes you lose it. He also still gets up in the night with the baby and takes him downstairs at 6am, leaving me in bed till 7 when we have to get up.

Thank you for your replies.

If im honest its the 4yr olds behaviour which is causing the most stress atm as well as a screaming baby who has multiple allergies and reflux. HV came today and was very helpful and is going to try n chase up appts for me.

The problem with sending him to do stuff with his friends, he has a few work friends that he enjoys banter with and the pub on a fri even every other week, but then he wont go without me as he feels its unfair so we get out for a few hours, he has a pint and I drive.

We are however, childfree from sat morning until sun afternoon this week and are going to stay with friends and to a party this weekend so hopefully that will help.

He is very considerate towards me. I am worried about his mental state more than anything, we have just learnt MIL is having tests for cancer amongst other stuff going on with her health wise, hes an only child and pretty much the only family he has in this country (other than us of course) I Think hes worried about that deepdown but then he doesnt really get on with or tolerate his mother so I dont know. We have breifly chatted about it today.

Tbh I feel like it is down to me. I am a SAHM so its be essentially who spends the most of the times with the children. DS1 is a lovely boy but his attention span and memory is very poor so that is frustrating.

Sorry, I may move this to sn xx

sevenoften Mon 24-Oct-11 19:47:35

Not much to add, but I'm nodding along to colditz's replies... If it feels tough, that's because it is tough, and you are holding it together at huge cost to yourself. No wonder it seems impossible at times.

If you are able to get away more than most, then I think colditz's suggestion of sharing out the down-time is good. He may be considerate and not want to go without you, but if you sit down and plan it so that you each get equal time, that should (surely) deal with it.

Hope things pick up a bit for you.

RandomMess Mon 24-Oct-11 21:19:43

I'm really not surprised you are struggling, my reflux baby alone nearly sent me over the edge without my older ones also having demanding SNs.

Can you ask your HV to refer you to HomeStart so you could get a few hours of weekly help, it's not much I know sad

Could you afford any help with childcare or a cleaner or something?

FabbyChic Mon 24-Oct-11 21:39:09

Why not get DS1 a notepad and pen so that he can write things down, get him a white board for his room and write stuff on it that he has to remember on a daily basis.

In time he will remember but in the meantime his own pad and pen would be a help.

Does your 4 year old have food allergies that could be causing his behaviour? Does he have fizzy drinks? Is he allergic to E numbers? All this would affect his behaviour. Have you tried him on a wheat free diet?

Unfortunately babies do get reflux and its all about trial and error there.

CactusRash Mon 24-Oct-11 21:51:11

From your description, I think your DH is getting depressed and would do with some help from the GP.
Also perhaps trying acupuncture? A friend of mine tried it when she was depressed, getting in a rut and she found it extremely relaxing.

I can see where your H is coming from re not going out on his own but he might feel better if you arrange some sort of rota (he goes out one week and you go ou the other?). Exercise also can help releasing stress.

Have you thought about having some counselling (for both of you) to get better at dealing with such stressful situation?

sadfamily Mon 24-Oct-11 23:03:34

Fabbychic, writing is stressful for him smile typing in dark now will be back tomorrow x

cestlavielife Tue 25-Oct-11 16:31:37

i dunno - you say he is amazing, considerate gets up with the kids put baby to bed -and goes out towork 5.5 days...

but it does sound like you BOTH have a lot and especially you op and that you need help. if youa re exhausted and streessed as well tehne eveyrone is going to be stressed.... it isnt easy with three and espec when one or mroe ahve SN /health issues.

ask about surestart/volunteers if they still exist or just voulunteers maybe thru local church (even if you dont go yourself) to hlep hold the baby sometimes.
aslo ask hv about getting diagnosis and help from Ss children in need/disabled childrens team for DS

dont focus just on your h's need s without looking at your own needs too - and the help YOU need with 3 difficult and needy children. needy because they need extra attention not because they just being needy.

mamafridi Tue 25-Oct-11 20:49:38

I read your post earlier today and I have been thinking about it all evening.
I hang my hat off to you. There are directors of multi-national cooperations that would dissolve into a sludge of tears and snot with far less than what you have going on in your life.
You spend so much time worrying for your DCs and your DH, but who is worrying about you?
I can understand that you are concerned about your partner and that perhaps he might be suffering from depression, but I honestly believe that you should be looking out for yourself much more than you clearly are. Your DH is an adult and has to share the responsibilities of the kids much more than an occasional morning to give you an hour's extra sleep.
Unfortunately women are caught in a perpetual cycle of guilt, just because we feel that we stay at home and take care of our children that for some reason that's far less important or difficult than working a day at a PAID job. I often have to remind my DH that I was once a working woman and that now that I have seen both sides of the coin I can truly say that being a mum is fucking hard work! And guess what, I have only one DD of 13months to contend with. I have absolutely no idea how you manage 3 boys let alone the fact that the each have their own personal problems, which are not insignificant either.
I get the impression from your thread that you don't believe what you do is all that much. You have to make your DH understand exactly what you go through, perhaps leave him with the boys for a day and a night as a way of giving him a tiny taste of what you deal with everyday. Stop worrying about whether he is depressed, in fact stop worrying about him altogether for a bit.
Please take care of yourself. And remind yourself as often as you can that you are a bloody strong lady!

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