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Can you help me understand why I got so upset.

(27 Posts)
sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 20:56:43

Now, I really don't know why I felt I had to namechange. Because I feel so upset I suppose.
And I should have posted in AIBU, but I can't face a flaming.
It's silly really. I'll try my best not to drip feed.

I have recently retrained and went back to work. It's not a well paid, glamourous job by any means, it's free lance and it's a struggle getting jobs, but it involved lots of training, exams - post graduate level, and it's hard work - mentally and emotionally. It's been years since I last had a job and I'm very happy about it.

I ran into someone last week. I hadn't seen her in months but she knew about the training and me trying to go back to work. She asked about it and when I said " Well, I'm not as busy as hoped to be" - which is true. So, next thing she says "Oh well, got your little challenge and your little job".
She clearly is a cow and she's not even a friend, and I know that, but WTF did I get so upset and was there a reason to?
Would you be upset about this comment?

rubyslippers Sun 23-Oct-11 21:00:25

No I wouldn't, I would laugh at it and would have made a snippy comment

As you say she isn't your friend ... Am sorry she upset you as it sounds like it touched a raw nerve

BlowHole Sun 23-Oct-11 21:02:34

She sounds like a dick. Maybe you feel upset because you wish you had come back with a lightening quick response, or punched her in the face or something?

WardrobeYeti Sun 23-Oct-11 21:04:39

She's a twatbag and wanted to belittle your efforts and made you feel bad. She said something snide and was trying to reduce your hard work into a silly hobby. Some people don't like it when others try and better themselves and rather than examine this feeling they put them down. They feel threatened and annoyed at what other people are doing.

Lindt70Percent Sun 23-Oct-11 21:05:43

She sounds jealous.

Perhaps it's because you felt you'd left yourself a bit vulnerable by saying 'not as busy as hoped'. This is the sort of thing I do. I'm always honest about what's happening with me but regret it when someone else takes advantage of the honesty and feel annoyed with myself.

headnotheart Sun 23-Oct-11 21:06:41

Well, she was belittling you - literally. As you are just starting out, and there is doubt and uncertainty for you while you are getting established, I would guess she echoed what the "down-siding" part of your mind (the part that makes up plan B's) has thought. This is a good part of your mind, by the way, but only if it works in partnership with the "up-siding" part.

Let me say that you seem to be rising to the challenge, and your job sounds as if it has started promisingly.

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:06:53

I did laugh it off. I won't let anyone see me upset IRL. That's why I'm here.
It must have touched a nerve, it was a week ago, and it still hurts.

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:08:49

Lind, I think you're spot on.
I'm far too honest.

BlowHole Sun 23-Oct-11 21:08:57

Next time, just punch her. So cathartic grin

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:10:26

Blow, tempted.

Shamoo Sun 23-Oct-11 21:10:48

I think that some mothers feel that they lose their own identity a bit when they have children - a job can be a way of helping to keep that identity, something more than being "Just" a mum (I don't mean that there is anything bad about being "just" a mum, but that for some people having a separate role and independence from that position can be important). If part of you finds that having a job gives you some of your identity, then it would be hurtful to have someone belittle that by suggesting that it is something essentially irrelevant. I can see why you would be hurt, although she is clearly just a tool.

badoomtish Sun 23-Oct-11 21:14:20

I just wanted to sympathise because this is exactly the sort of comment which my rational mind tells me to ignore because it isn't worth a moment's notice, but I can't help but linger over for ages afterwards. I am still smarting about someone I don't even know shouting at me over an incredibly minor driving incident which was as much his fault as mine, and this happened last month!

I struggle with criticism in general, I really take it to heart, but in your case it sounds like you revealed a soft spot and she went for the kill, as Lindt points out ... maybe you're beating yourself up a bit too?

Either way, try to shrug her caustic little comment off. She's a witch.

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:20:36

i know all about losing identity being a mother.
I also moved countries more times than I care to remember. And it's been bloody hard work. And it still is.
or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not the one who will go for the soft spot and the kill?
I must toughen up.

AuraofDora Sun 23-Oct-11 21:24:40

what a cow and it makes me think she is jealous of you

you are vunerable after being sahp, this was uncalled for comment..shrug it off OP

badoomtish Sun 23-Oct-11 21:28:13

I think the thing to remember is that this is a much more magnified and significant interaction for you than it was to her. People like that make comments designed to hurt people, it makes them feel good. It's a throwaway thing to them.

I remember once this girl in the year above me at school, who worked at the same place as me at weekends, and she said something horribly catty to me about my makeup. I was 13, and I have never ever forgotten it. If I ever meet her again I will still hate her for that comment. She surely forgot it a moment later but it crippled me. She may be a lovely person these days, but I will never forgive her for being a bitch. And this woman who hurt you, she will have lots of people who feel that way about her - that she's a bitch, mean, cruel, unpleasant.

brabbinsandfyffe Sun 23-Oct-11 21:34:40

Good on you for retraining and making the changes OP, I'm doing a postgrad course and they're not 'little challenges'. I much prefer people willing to make themselves a bit vulnerable in conversation like you did; she just made herself sound really jealous and defensive, no reflection on you.

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:36:25

It's so casual, isn't it? A remark designed to hurt.
I wonder what the inability/unwillingness to retaliate the same way makes me - decent? weak?

badoomtish Sun 23-Oct-11 21:42:40

Normal, sunday. Normal, nice people would be so taken aback by an unprovoked verbal assault that they wouldn't respond.

It's an hour later when you think of a smokin' comeback that you wish you weren't normal and nice grin

sundayspooks Sun 23-Oct-11 21:47:35

I think that's what it is though.
I think I'm more upset with myself because I reacted in a way I perceived as weak.
She is a cow. I know that. And I know I'm normal and nice.
It helped a lot.

Conundrumish Sun 23-Oct-11 23:42:00

I know someone like her. Always trying to big herself up and take advantage of me because I am honest. Her DH has just been made redundant and she is even trying to make that sound like a major conquest on his behalf! Ignore, ignore, ignore. She clearly has issues. I suspect she hasn't even got a 'little job' and hasn't bothered to re-train.

ionysis Sun 23-Oct-11 23:53:33

Its odd isn't it how some barbs are water off a ducks back while others just get you right in the gut.

I remember a girlfriend of one of my partners friends saying to me dismissively "of course, you'll never make it in the city. The hours and the stress is just far too much to take. I give you a year". Of course that was because SHE has quit her city job because SHE couldn't hack it the year before.

For years I fumed every time I thought of it and muttered "patronising little b@tch!". I'm pretty sure sometimes that remark and my bloodymindedness, to prove her wrong, was the only thing which kept me going through the 24/7 working weeks in nmy 20s!

Either use that outrage to propell yourself onwards and show her just how "little" your work is or dismiss her for the small minded, patronising little cow she is.

turquoisetumble Mon 24-Oct-11 00:33:41

Sunday - please don't give yourself a hard time for being upset. It's OK. The petty woman said things in a snide way with the intention of upsetting you because she is so tragic and insecure. Don't turn it around on yourself - she's the weak one, not you.

My advice is to have a good cry followed by a lovely bath. Then you need to congratulate yourself for all your studying and hard work and that you have never been and never will be the sort of woman who gets pleasure out of putting other people down.


whattheactualjeff Mon 24-Oct-11 00:45:21

what a cow.

electra Mon 24-Oct-11 00:49:13

You're upset because she's ridiculed you for something you've worked hard at. Completely understandable.

She is no friend - delete her from your life. She probably is jealous. People who feel good about their own lives do not need to put the boot into those of others.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 24-Oct-11 08:15:10

A thing that annoys me more than almost anything is injustice. A remark that is harsh but true hurts because I must acknowledge it - but one that is untrue hurts more because it's not fair. You know you worked bloody hard for your qualification and to start your business, here's someone saying you didn't for no reason and it's just wrong. The perfect riposte wouldn't have changed her mind anyway, because it works in narrow, unpleasant channels. She'll just go her merry way having said her piece, not giving a twopenny damn what she might have done to someone else's ego. That's what would have riled me.

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