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Should I leave my partner and if so how?

(26 Posts)
GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 01:45:02

Iv spent weeks googling controlling relationships after a colleague said they were concerned about me .I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years and im sorry if im rambling .He doesnt let me have facebook , wear red , eye makeup or go out with my friends .He reallly grudges me going out at all when hes not home .(he wrks offshore)He asks loads of questions so many I feel he is checkin up on me . He used to interrogate me about past relationships and make me feel guilty .I feel very nervous around him because I never know what mood he will be in or what he will acuse me of .He shows me no trust at all .We got engaged a year ago me being stupid and thinkin he would then trust me .He recetly bought "our" house .He bought it without consulting me and is hiding thigns like how much he paid for it from me . Am I being silly or is this emotional abuse ?Theres so much he does i cant think right now .If this is abuse what would be the best way of leaving , because he works offshore im scared to upset him whens hes at work (and out of control ) so iv been pretending everythn is fine . I worry that losing me could make him really angry as i have always tiptoped round him . He is home on tuesday and i have arranged to have those two weeks off work as i dont want to be around him ..should i sit him down and tell him or wt ?iv tried approachingg the subject of goin out etc before and he just says im being a bitch . help please !thnks

LeBOOOf Sun 23-Oct-11 01:48:43

It doesn't sound great to me. Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells.

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 01:52:41

oh god thanks thats so true hes cut my off from friends and family and all my hobbies.. anyone got any advice on leaving the situation

LeBOOOf Sun 23-Oct-11 01:57:53


Check the links at the top here and you should get some good help and advice. You don't need to be at physical risk to get advice from Women's Aid, by the way, so don't be shy to call them for a chat.

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 02:02:17


GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 12:37:10

any ideas on how to finish ith my partner now i know he is emotionally abusve ?

FabbyChic Sun 23-Oct-11 12:40:17

You leave when he is offshore so that he doesn't know you have gone and cannot stop you from leaving, leave, text him one last time saying I've left you, and change your number and email address.

HerScaryness Sun 23-Oct-11 12:41:34

GillyMac, you are going to need some RL help. You colleague is right, and you know they are don't you?

Your first sentence about him was enough for me love.

You are in an abusive relationship.

He has no right at all to do any of this to you. You need to get out as soon as possible.

Does he live with you? If not, then you need to keep him away from you and call the police if he bothers you. What IS the score with your home, he has bought your house from under you? If so, you need to MOVE.

Call Women's Aid please.

You need to read the book we all bang on about Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will explain what is going on and it will tell you that none of this is your doing, that you can't change this behaviour, nothing you do/say/think don't do/say/think could have or ever would change this. None of this is your fault, it is 100% HIS CHOICE to treat you like this.

There is no point at all in trying to talk to him about this, he won't want to change. Please don't think what I'm suggesting is defeatist or 'giving up', it's not it's cutting your losses. You can't win this. You can't change this. You are utterly powerless to alter the outcome here. None of this is anything to do with you at all!

You are at a Relationship Casino, playing roulette. Trouble is, the wheel is weighted and you will ALWAYS lose. The more emotional 'investment' you put in, the more you will lose. This game will wipe you out completely.

Unless that wheel is taken completely apart, stripped down and the entitlement to rip you off removed, then it will keep taking your emotional currency.

The ONLY thing you can do to save yourself is to get your coat and get the hell out of this Casino.

At the moment this man is utterly focussed on shutting your life down. He will never be happy, even if you DID give up leaving the house, he'd find something. he's addicted to controlling you. Even if you comply, he'll ramp it all up and control you more.

IwanttobeShirleyValentine Sun 23-Oct-11 12:44:17

I would take advantage of the fact he is off shore and do as fabby says.

Unless you have somewhere to go I guess you may have to wait until he next goes offshore - how long is that? 2 weeks?

in the mean time make some plans, gather your thoughts and do contact womens aid for advice.

squeakyfreakytoy Sun 23-Oct-11 12:52:21

Fabby is absolutely 100% spot on with her advice.

That is more or less exactly what I did 14 years ago. Best decision I ever made, as I would probably have been dead by now otherwise.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sun 23-Oct-11 12:55:33

There's nothing to add to HS's exellent advice which I sincerely hope you'll act on.

However, if you need any further urging, please read this current thread as you could be looking at your future if you don't get out from under now:

BTW, the Women's Aid 24 hour Helpline freephone number is 0808 2000 247 or 808 2000 247 from a mobile (calls will be charged at network rates).

izzywhizzysfritenite Sun 23-Oct-11 12:56:57

Apologies - I didn't click to convert the link

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 18:12:14

thanks for all th advice ... i think iv always known i just doubt myself nd lack confidence in my self and my decisions

iv made my plan ..tell me ur opinions ...he arrives home late on wed aftenoon ..cant text him and dont want to speak over the phone so will pretend everything is ok , then when hes back onshore i will text sayin im leavin u and if he wants his stuff go to my parents house and il have left a letter explainin .
meanwhile i will have gone on the train to my auntis house 100 miles away , stay for a couple of days then move in with my friend who stays 200 miles away . iv gt two weeks off work so i can get away while hes home to clear my head .once he goes offshore again il come home and decide what i want to do .tht sound like a plan ..i feel like a coward and so guilty for not teling him face to face
iv got some money saved up and a new phone number ready to use , does that sound like im doing the right thing ?

akaemwahahahafrost Sun 23-Oct-11 18:28:23

Is there any way you can stick it out for the next couple of weeks then go at your leisure when he is next off shore? He may not go back and try to find you and then you cannot get your stuff and sort things out. Wait till he has gone then get yourself moved out properly.

This is what I would do.

hevak Sun 23-Oct-11 19:12:50

If he arrives back on Wednesday then you have time to get out - if you have taken this week off work? You have Monday and Tuesday to pack your things and take them to your parents/friends/wherever and also you can get to the Post Office and redirect your post (do this on Monday as it takes a couple of days to set up IIRC). You can pretend everything is fine with him on the phone/email for those 2-3 days. Even if you haven't taken Monday/Tuesday off work, you probably have time to pack before and after work on Monday and Tuesday. A couple of early mornings and late nights in a row won't do you any harm - especially if you can rest while you're at your aunt's.

If you're on any utility bills, then take meter readings and phone up and tell them to take your name off the bills.

Sorry you're going through this, but yes - I think you're right to get out.

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 19:17:53

its easier to leave when hes here cs he doesnt know where my friends stay .. weve been living in my parents house so theres no worries except i dont want him to hassle them .i cant tell him over the fone when hes offshore and if i trnd my fone off he wud fone my mum nd dad nd they dnt want to have to lie for me
thanks for all the advice again

FabbyChic Sun 23-Oct-11 20:01:49

Oh you live at your parents? I think you are going to have to tell him before he gets back, seriously, just text him and say you don't want to be with him anymore and he is going to have to look for somewhere else to stay when he comes home. Its not really fair on your parents to have to deal with the fall out of this by telling him when he gets back.

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 20:35:29

he keeps most of his stuff at his at his mum nd dads ... if i text him before he gets home ...really dont wnt to speak to him ..dnt think i could handle the abuse i wud gt if i told him over the fone .or maybe put my letter nd stuff to his parents house when theyre out ?

hevak Sun 23-Oct-11 20:39:56

Can you pack his things? If you can't take them to his parents' house, then at least they are packed. Could you take his stuff to his parents' house? Or a friend's place?

I think you should write the letter before he is due back so it is already "done" IYKWIM.

Then text him on Wednesday morning and explain that you don't want to be in a relationship with him and you've packed up his things (and taken them to his parents/friend's house). Also let him know that you're going away for a few weeks and won't be at your parents' place.

hevak Sun 23-Oct-11 20:41:02

Sorry... thinking a bit more, could you text him tomorrow and then call his parents to arrange to drop his stuff at their place?

GillyMac93 Sun 23-Oct-11 21:02:40

yep wrote my letter it feels good to get it all out of the way , cant text him when hes offshore , needs to be wednesday morning .theres notmuch stuff little things , dont want to speak to his mum cos we used to get on well .does this all sound like the rite thing to do ?

SalmeMurrikAgain Sun 23-Oct-11 21:11:05

Gilly, YES - absolutely the right thing to do. Just get through the next couple of days and you will be so relieved when you have broken free. Good luck smile

hevak Sun 23-Oct-11 21:14:26

Yes - text him Wednesday morning and phone his Mum and drop his stuff off at his parents' house too.

I think you'll feel much better very soon too. Best wishes smile

GillyMac93 Mon 24-Oct-11 17:54:02

Thanks everyone for all the advice , Im going to be strong itl only be two days and this will be over and i can get a fresh start .

GhoulLove Tue 25-Oct-11 08:05:57

Please let us know how it goes and stay safe.

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