[Sorry it's a long one but thanks for reading if you do...]
I just had a baby last week and my parents decided to come and visit me for almost a week now to see the baby, so they said, and stay with me. I told them it wasn't a good time for me and DH as it was so early and I was recovering from a difficult delivery so we needed a bit more space. They didn't listen though and just came anyway, getting my sister to book their flights (they don't live in the UK).
Anyway, the visit was a disaster. Initially I was trying my best to be patient with them but I was at the end of my rope by yesterday and just couldn't bite my tongue any more. As background: my parents are difficult, very introverted and self-absorbed, as well as being quite emotionally abusive. My mother is passive-aggressive, makes snide remarks and sulks if she doesn't have things her way. My father is quite controlling and when I was a child / teenager would try to control and intimidate me (and my siblings) by physically threatening us, being verbally abusive etc. He never actually hit me but did grab me by the arm, shake me and threaten me. Since I moved away from home at 18 they didn't get away with their behaviour and since being married (7 years) I don't see them unless my DH is with me. Whenever I do see them alone, they start to fall back into their old behaviour.
So the first night they were here, my mother started commenting on how I was caring for the baby and they just sat and stared at me while I was trying to settle him etc. I made one sharp remark to her where I said that I didn't need to be told what to do with my own child and she sulked for the rest of the evening, turned her back to us and wouldn't speak. The next day, they came back to the house (I asked them to stay away in the end and booked somewhere nearby for them because I knew staying with me would end in tears) and we had a reasonably good day, they were nice about the baby etc. Then at lunchtime, my mother start sniping at me again so I asked her not to speak to me like that in my house. She flared up and started screaming at me, then my father got up and started threatening me. My Dh came downstairs and asked them not to be speak to me like that and they told him to shut up and and stay out of it. Then they just launched into a tirade, saying that I was ungrateful, had a bad attitude and was selfish and hypersensitive. My father started to get threatening with my DH and insulted him, saying he was arrogant and unfriendly and insulted his parents too. They just came out with a stream of frustrated vitriol. My mother was screeching at me in hysterics, accusing me of all kinds of things. All this was with the baby in the room, in my DH's arms. I just can't believe they'd come out with a tirade of abuse in front of their grandchild. It was like they'd been storing up some hatred for years or months and were just waiting to let loose.
The evening ended with them walking out of the house. My DH offered them a lift back to their hotel because I felt guilty about having them make their own way back but they were just rude to him and refused the lift. This morning they came back to the house acting like nothing had happened but I confronted them and said they had no right to behave towards me like that in my house. My DH asked them for an apology and they said 'you should be apologising to us'. My mother screamed at me 'I'm your mother, you won't have me for much longer. Next time you'll be seeing me, it'll be my funeral' and other emotional blackmail she says regularly.
Now I don't know what to do. My DH knew they'd been nasty to me in the past but had never seen their behaviour up close before. He says to me that they're emotionally and verbally abusive and he doesn't want me to see them again for my sake and for the baby. For me their behaviour was just 'normal' as it's how they've always been. I am in two minds: do I go and see them tomorrow to try and settle things before they leave? Or do I follow my DH's advice and just leave them to stew and realise what they've done? I feel it's cruel to let them go home on such bad terms but I also feel sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing them again. They were so hurtful and nasty and in front of my baby and husband as well. What can I do to get past this? DH says he never wants to speak to them again. I feel angry too but they are my parents at the end of the day and I feel guilty about falling out with them. I just feel so awful right now and upset. What can I do???
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New baby, fallen out with parents, feel conflicted...
InLocoParentis · 22/10/2011 21:08
Thanks for all the messages. It helps me clear my head and realise that DH is right. We were both sitting there in tears at the idea of our child's grandparents screaming at us in front of him. We are so happy with our DS and how lovely he is. All I want to do at the moment is spend a couple of days in bed with my son, cuddling him and feeding him and instead I'm sitting here in a rage / tears, so upset with my parents. 
They treat all my siblings the same, more or less. If anything they are nicest to me. My eldest brother lives at home with them - he has some issues in terms of anxiety / autism that were never properly diagnosed. He is in his 40s but has never really worked and lacks confidence. He is kind of like a broken man, somehow. My sister also lives at home with them and has learning difficulties. She had a low IQ throughout school. When she was 7, her teacher recommended getting her assessed for special needs but my father refused out of embarrassment and was just angry that the teacher questioned him. So my sister has never really had the help she needs and is reliant on my parents. I feel most sorry for her because she is fairly vulnerable and really needs more support. My parents ware quite cruel to her growing up, acting as if she was just stupid, My next sister is fine, lives away from them as well but does struggle with them too. They've been rude to her when they've visited her in the past as well, just walking out of her house because things didn't suit them etc. They used to criticise her a lot when she was young and made her self-conscious about her weight / self-esteem.
I think the main issue with them is control. They were reasonably good parents when we were small children but they could never accept - especially my mother - when we grew up and became adults with our own lives. They wanted to continue to control us out of fear that we'd end up doing something they weren't happy with. (They're religious and conservative). Their way of controlling is for my mother to throw a tantrum and sulk and my father to back that up with physical threats / verbal abuse. This is what they've continued to try with me whenever they have a chance but it hasn't worked since i was old enough to know their game. The fact that they tried to do this with me now, when I'm vulnerable and have a baby to look after really makes me feels so sick.
All through my pregnancy I'd dread their phone calls because my mother in particular would just say the nastiest things to me. I lost my job when I was pregnant and she said 'how are you managing to fill your time now?' and 'I hope you haven't told anyone in [our home town]. I had a miscarriage just over a year ago as well so I had extra anxiety in this pregnancy as a result and extra scans - all my mother said was 'what's all the scans for, we had no monitoring, we just took it all in our stride'. The first thing she said to me when I rang her up excited to say that I was having a boy was 'oh you shouldn't have told me that. I wanted a surprise'. I was always in tears coming off the phone from them.
This is why my DH doesn't want me to see them anymore because he sees how much they hurt my feelings. It's difficult though because if you spoke to them they'd say that I'm 'difficult' and hypersensitive and just flew off the handle at my mother for no reason and don't make them feel welcome in my home. They have a big problem with the fact that I don't see them very often and don't visit much. They know there is a problem there but I've never been honest with them why. It's partly because they're in their 70s and I feel guilty at causing them stress. It's also because I know that they'll never change and nothing I say to them will get through.
first of all, congratiulations!
second, good for you for sending them to stay et a hotel.
regarding contact with them, it is up to you to decide. they are clearly toxic and you have to put distance between you. maybe change phone numbers for a start so you don't jump anymore when the phone rings. keep contact calls to a minimum and don't let it get personal, think they are like the person at the checkout, you wouldn't really share feelings with them.
and now, just do what you want, snuggle up with baby in your bed and let your lovely dh bring you cuppa after cuppa 
Thanks again for the messages of support. This morning my mother rang me from the hotel trying to do the emotional blackmail thing again, saying that she wished me well, hoped my baby would be OK and that she'd always be there as a mother if I needed anything 'however long we have left alive'. I was quite firm with her and said that I wished she had just had a conversation with me explaining how she felt or how her feelings had been hurt in any way instead of screaming vitriol at me, sulking and trying to bully me. I said I was sad that the visit had turned out so badly. Then she said 'well, who started it? That's your own fault'. So at that point, I gave up and told her that my father's behaviour was totally unacceptable and they were a disgrace ('that's just the way he is, I've had to put up with it for years'). She tried the blackmail again then but it didn't work so she said 'well, if that's the way you're going to be, I don't know what to say'. So we ended it there.
Their big issue is control. They had a little fantasy in their heads of how their visit was going to be and it didn't interest them how my DH and I felt about it. Then when things didn't go their way, they got nasty.
I think the advice here on getting some space from them is good. That's all I feel like doing anyway. I used to always jump when I heard the phone ring already. They used to phone me every Sunday night at 9:30pm and it always upset me. I used to dread their calls. So I'm free of all that for a while anyway. It makes me sad for my son that his first contact with his GPs was so bad but he'll never know. I'll be the only one who has to think about that. I still feel sick at how they behaved but at least they've gone now so I can focus on DH and the baby now
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