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how can I deal with my sis without getting emotionally involved or scapegoated?

(11 Posts)
idrilis Sat 22-Oct-11 17:42:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puzzlesum Sat 22-Oct-11 17:52:46

Wowser. What does your dh say?

I can't see why you would want to maintain any kind of relationship with either your sister or your father and thus, as their enabler/colluder/apologist, your mother either.

Your sister seems to have some serious issues and now literally to have a death wish as well. It would be hard to know how you could help, even if she were asking for it. She doesn't want your help and I can't see what you can do except withdraw. She sounds vulnerable but she is also an adult.

At a minimum I would give yourself a month's peace and just don't contact them at all. Have you thought about having counselling?

And - although it seems barely appropriate - happy birthday! It sounds as if you have overcome a great deal to get to where you are, and have a lot of reasons to celebrate your life.

BatCave Sat 22-Oct-11 17:55:11

Oh man, what a situation.

Just put YOURSELF and your husband and children first. Do you desperately want to stay close to your mum? Because the three of them sound like they are no support to you whatsoever, neither back in your childhood nor now. While I have every sympathy with your sister's situation, she has to take responsibility for her behaviour, whether she has an undiagnosed mental illness or not and I just get the feeling that the 3 of them will just continue to bring you down.

Your mum is still with your dad, knowing what he did to you? And your sister claims you are lying, but at the same time tells you you deserved it???

I wouldn't be interested in a relationship at all with any of them, you sound like you have a wonderful DH and DC. Unfortunately you can't choose your family, but you can choose to not have them in your lives if they just make life worse.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 22-Oct-11 17:56:58

I'm finding it hard to see why you would have contact with any of them. Your dad physically abused you, your mum stood by and watched it happen, and your sister sounds awful.

I know you are asking for help spefically for dealing with your sister, but perhaps this book will be helpful.

IWantWine Sat 22-Oct-11 17:57:46


I know you will get some very good advice and support here. My humble opinion is... leave them all to get on with it.

You have tried and tried but no more. Dont do it any more. There is help there for your sister if she wants it. And even if she ever does decide she wants help I really dont think she will want it from you.

I think you have done more than enough.

LydiaWickham Sat 22-Oct-11 18:01:44

I also don't understand why you want a relationship with your mother who failed to protect you from abuse and then failed to believe you when you told her about it.

It's hard to walk away, but what are you getting from these relationships? What have any of them done to deserve you in their lives?

SjuperWereWolef Sat 22-Oct-11 18:13:33

oh op, i have no advise but to please put yourself and your family first - not the family you came from, the family you are part of - and if any of the lot of them say a damn thing ignore ignore ignore!

you deserve so much more than you are getting from them, if your sister wants to feck her life up - let her and let your parents bloody rot

sayithowitis Sat 22-Oct-11 18:39:46

Newsflash - Generally speaking, just because somebody has an illness, however serious, one of the symptoms is not nastiness to the nth degree. Now, I know that some illnesses and conditions can bring about personality changes, but it sounds as though your sister has always been like this. She may be your sister, they may be your parents, but they don't sound like your family. My idea of family is one where there is support (emotional, not financial), love ( appropriate, not abusive 'love') and a genuine desire to see that everyone within the family feels loved, cared for and valued. It doesn't sound to me as though you feel any of those. Personally, I would be doing what others have suggested, start putting your needs and those of the family that you and DH have created, first. And for me, that would mean at least, pulling right back from this not so charming group of people.

idrilis Sat 22-Oct-11 19:14:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kunahero Sat 22-Oct-11 19:32:24

your 'family' is you dh and dc.

It may seem hard but you should just try to forget about the others. You dont need them and they dont give a flying shit about you.
Leave them to it and concentrate on you lovely dh and dc. they wont desert you, accuse and reject you.

Good luck and well done for getting this far in life without being an alcoholic, drug user, or a complete jibbering wreck!

SnapesMistress Sun 23-Oct-11 10:08:23

Are you sure that no one else would speak to you, why not try developing those relationships further while distancing yourself from your parents without telling everyone that is what you are doing. It may then fall into place naturally.

I feel for you OP, what a horrible situation to be in, no one here will tell you to suck it up no matter how ill they may be.

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