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why can't i talk to dh

(42 Posts)
ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 14:41:00

I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom in tears. I have been for over an hour now. DH is downstairs with dd.

What I want to say to him is 'I think I have pnd. I cry alot when you're not around, I constantly feel like something is missing, I feel ugly, unloved and tired. Today I keep having fantasies about dying as it would be easier if I wern't here at all' (the last bit I wouldn't actually do, but it's freaking me out getting the thoughts)

He comes in and sees I'm crying and I can't tell him - I don't know why but I can't. Instead I just think about how we might split up and the logistics of splitting things we own jointly.

What shall I do? He knows I'm up here crying and is just ignoring me. He came and sat with me but sat on the other side of the room and just went all quiet and said 'what do you want me to say?' (his favourite line). He made no attempt to hug me or be physical or caring in any way. I've been crying on and off all day. He went off in a huff saying it's always his fault as if he's moaning that I keep blaming him for everything.

Does this sound normal? Are we doomed? Why can't I tell anyone about my depressive thoughts? Any replies please if you read this - I'm still in floods of tears sad

ImperialBlether Sat 22-Oct-11 14:52:55

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

How long is it since your baby was born?

I think sometimes people feel impotent when they can't see a reason for depression - they want to be able to solve the problem and feel really frustrated when they can't even see the problem.

I think you should try again. Go to find him now and say, "I think I have PND. I feel so awful and I know there's no external reason why I feel like this. I need to see a doctor. Please will you help me?"

Once you give him a task to do, hopefully he will find it easier to deal with.

I had PND after each of my children were born - it's absolutely awful, isn't it? I did go to the doctor each time, cried as though I was being tortured and just said "I have PND." Each time I was given anti-depressants that worked within a couple of days.

Once you have treatment, you can see that there's nothing really to be depressed about. You can tackle any problems that seemed insurmountable.

Please talk to your husband. Ask him for very specific help.

ImperialBlether Sat 22-Oct-11 14:53:32

Don't even think about splitting up. Please don't let yourself think like that.

DuelingFanjo Sat 22-Oct-11 15:03:44

Start br telling him that sometimes all you want or need is a hug and for him to show he cares. Then I think you should get some help for your pnd.

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 15:05:17

he's gone outside and left dd with me. He came up and i told him i couldn\t believe he could just sit on the other side of the room so long without coming over to hug me or be nice. he just told me to get off the floor and go over to him. i didn't. he still has no idea on the pnd, he thinks i'm crying because we never have maritals anymore, to which he doesn't seem bothered by anyway. i'm still crying sad

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 15:07:38

imperial my dd is nearly 8 months but i've been feeling like this on and off at least 2 months

sillymillyb Sat 22-Oct-11 15:08:49

Hey there,

Just didn't want to read and run. Are you still there? Why don't you show him this post? It might be easier to let him see how you feel in an objective way.

I am pregnant, so have no experience of pnd (yet...) but I have struggled with depression alot. You need to see the doctor lovely, things WILL get better, and maybe posting here is the first step to making that happen.

Also, in my experience, blokes sometimes just don't know how to react to someone they love crying for what they see as no reason. My ex used to be very stand offish because he was scared of making it worse, as he didn't know what was wrong in the first place. Making me feel even worse! I don't know whether this is case in your situation but worth bearing in mind.

Take care, pm me if you want to chat x

PGTip Sat 22-Oct-11 15:10:55

Write him a letter, pour everything out onto paper and hand it to him. Don't read it after you've written it as you'll be tempted to edit it. These feelings will pass but you need help.

ImperialBlether Sat 22-Oct-11 15:11:38

8 months is nothing - my son was 18 months old before I realised I had PND. I gave my doctor three options:

get him adopted
give him medication
give me medication

She said (very nicely and gently) "Well, shall we start with you..."

Two days later I felt SO much better. I know it takes longer for the meds to kick in, but sometimes just bringing it into the open will make you feel heaps better.

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 15:12:37

thanks silly. I'm still here. I'm too scared to show this to dh as he would think me odd for posting on such forums matters like this. I'm now stuck with dd. I think he hopes i'll bring her downstairs. why can't he just stop being so emotionally autistic and why can't i tell him

izzywhizzysfritenite Sat 22-Oct-11 15:13:16

Tell him you're not blaming him for anything; tell him you're scared that you have pnd and that you just want to feel his arms around and know that he'll help you by making an appointment for you to see your GP on Monday - and don't take any nonsense from the dragon receptionist if they tell you that the earliest you can be seen is sometime in the middle of next week or later.

As for those depressive thoughts, we all have them to a greater or lesser degree and they tend to be heightened at times of great change such as giving birth.

If your depressive thoughts are haunting you, you'll find experienced ghost hunters on these pages who can help you exorcise them.

mistressploppy Sat 22-Oct-11 15:15:01

You poor thing, I remember feeling a bit like this, AND DH acting a bit like this; he just didn't understand and it made him crap.

DuellingFanjo is right, tell him exactly what to do and then seek help - can you talk to a mate or get yourself to the gp?

Men are programmed to fix problems and often don't twig that you can't be always 'fixed' by them, you need support while healing. Or something. I'm not an expert but please go and talk to someone who WILL understand. Hug hug hug

sillymillyb Sat 22-Oct-11 15:30:24

I know it sounds daft, but at one point when my ex was at work I made a grid with the headings

1) problem 2) how I feel about it 3) how you feel about it 4) possible solution / action plan.

Then I partially filled it in and asked him to do the same. I was too embarrassed to do it in front of him so we did this over email (I was a wimp!) but it really helped because it forced things to be addressed. For example you could put, 1) I think I have PND 2) I feel scared / overwhelmed 3) leave blank for him to fill in 4) I need help to see a doctor, please can you make a doctors appointment for me?

As for men being emotionally autistic, aren't they just bless them. It would be so much easier if feeling like this was a physical thing they could see. I don't think its just your OH though, I think most men deal with things differently from us, and struggle to see why we feel the way we do.

Try not to be hard on yourself though, you have a small baby, you are exhausted (which makes everything worse) and you are feeling like your doing it all alone. MOST people would - and do - feel the way you do.

And like someone else has said, dont be fobbed off by the doctors receptionist - get an emergency appointment if needs be. This is important. Hugs.

BobsDaddy Sat 22-Oct-11 15:39:43

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor opposite my DW. I knew she had PND but she hadn't yet admitted it to herself and get defensive when I mentioned it. I wanted to be with her - I wanted to wrap her up and hug her until the depression went away but I couldn't. So instead I sat with her in as non-invasive way as possible. I didn't touch her because I didn't want her to think that I was trying it on so we just sat there in silence not looking at each other. I didn't know what to say or do for the best, so I did and said nothing.

Men are programmed to fix problems and get all odd when we can't fix them.

Maybe something similar?

I hope that you can get yourself to the doctor, it'll be worth it.

BeaHellZeBubOnSea Sat 22-Oct-11 15:43:01

Oh you poor love. I feel for you, I really do.

We have been married for 20 years. We have a strong, strong marriage and a fantastic relationship but when I had a period of depression I just could not get the words out and tell DH how I felt verbally.

He knew something was wrong but seemed to become more distant. He later told me it was because he was so afraid that he would say or do the wrong thing and make things worse.

I wrote all my feelings down in a letter. I also wrote that I didn't expect him to come up with answers - I just wanted a cuddle and some support along the journey.

I left the letter where I knew he would find it and then went out for a few hours.

It was such a turning point.

You both can get through this with the right support. x x x

Jux Sat 22-Oct-11 15:59:03

C&P your opening post, print it out and show him it. The he doesn't need to know anything about forums or threads etc.

He needs to know how you feel, and he needs to know that you just can't talk about it.

Please just C & P. If you can't print then save it as a document and show it to him on screen.

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 16:02:16

Thanks guys, I have told DH. I couldn't manage the bits about how I wish I just didn't exist etc, but at least he is aware of this. I don't think he had any idea. He really doesn't seem to notice things like bobsdaddy did. I think he just thinks/thought I was a miserable old woman. Anyway, he's asked what I need to do and I told him see the GP, so he's told me to make an apt. There's still so much I feel like I want to tell him but just can't, but I suppose at least I've started. Tbh I still wonder if I do have pnd - I think I'm in some sort of denial. The thing that made me hmm the most was recently the mental images I keep getting of dying - like when I drive I imagine just crashing into a tree and hope that I could just be gone without any pain. I had depression as a teenager and had very similar feelings.

I'm scared to go to the GP - what if I just cry and can't say anything, what if they tell me I'm making it up, what if I come across as breezy and they think I'm fine, what if they just fob me off with anti depressants, what if I can't take them as I'm bfing confused . I guess these arn't exactly questions related to a relationship thread though.

I think DH doesn't know what to do or really what pnd is. It's good to hear other dhs are similar though and it isn't just that I have a dud one! He did ask what he could do to help, but tbh I don't know what he can do other than be understanding and caring. I hope he is.

BeaHellZeBubOnSea Sat 22-Oct-11 16:09:31

Well done Reastie - you have taken the first step smile

Don't be afraid of going to the GP, they are not going to think you are making it up. If you sit there and cry and can't say anything - you will not be the first -and any decent GP will have the patience and skills to understand what is going on. Is there somebody that can go with you?

Charbon Sat 22-Oct-11 16:13:32

Ask him to make you an appointment, because you might just never get round to it. Suggest too that he finds out everything there is to know about PND, because it's essential he understands it and doesn't put it into the 'too difficult, can't be fixed with a spray of WD40' box.

sillymillyb Sat 22-Oct-11 16:15:22

Yayy, well done on telling him! Its a start - you have crossed a massive hurdle and you should be proud of yourself.

Def dont be scared of going doctors, they know how hard it is for anyone to ask them for help, and the statistics for PND mean that its something they will be watching out for and aware of.

There are antidepressants you can take when you are bfing, I have already checked as I am likely to be put on them "as a precaution" once my baby is born - I came off them when I found out I was pregnant so this is realistic I think. Also, you may be reffered to a counsellor - just talking to someone may help you think a bit clearer about how you are feeling. Most importantly, you have options, and things can now get better for you.

Ps oh, and I think Bobs daddy has prob explained really well how alot of men, and possibly your OH, is feeling. Made me all emotional reading it. I blame my hormones....

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 16:16:10

OK, so I feel a bit relieved at telling him and now I feel guilty. I actually don't feel as bad now I've told him, I feel a fraud and that I actually don't have pnd. Maybe I really did make it up shock confused

bea No one else knows and I don't know anyone I could bring to GP except DH, and he is so awkward with this stuff and works when GP is open. No, I will manage it on my own, but then, if I feel a bit better now, maybe I'll be OK and I won't need to, or is this a normal reaction and I do still need to go?

sillymillyb Sat 22-Oct-11 16:17:56

ps and I have sobbed, many times, in the gp's office. I usually start the appointment by saying "right, I know Im going to cry, I cant help it, so I apologise in advance" My lovely doctor told me once that when she see's her gp, she always feels really weepy even if she is there about something trivial. Made me feel better to think it wasn't just me!

ReastieHorrorShow Sat 22-Oct-11 16:20:24

silly I don't think I'll get counselling as my area seem really tight on this. The thing that makes me feel really bad is I've just finished a course of CBT on the NHS for a phobia which impacts my life alot. I made very little progress with the CBT which I think is largely due to that I just couldn't face it with the potential pnd, infact, I think it made the pnd worse. I tied so hard to tell the therapist about it but failed. I just cried and bottled it up. I told him I was struggling with dd in general and I had to fill in weekly questionnaires which must have shown I was depressed, so I think I sort of wanted him to work it out or at least ask me if I felt I might have it, but he never did. So I think I've used up my quota of NHS counselling sad

HappyCamel Sat 22-Oct-11 16:28:40

No, you aren't a fraud. But it's normal to feel that way.

I found writing it all down helped. I wrote my GP a letter, made an appointment and then just sat and cried while he read it. I couldn't have said out loud to him what I wrote, I wasn't together enough.

Maybe the same would work with your husband. Tell him you love him, tell him you know he's worried and that he doesn't know how to help and he's scared of making it worse. Suggest ways he could help like taking DD out for a couple of hours or letting you go out or having at least one weekend day away from the house together. We joined National Trust and visit somewhere every Saturday, I find that really helpful. Tell him that you need a hug and that you need him to meet you more than half way.

I think it helped that he could sit quietly and read what I'd written and think about it and revisit it. It gave him permission to reach out to me.

All the best

HappyCamel Sat 22-Oct-11 16:46:35

Do see your GP. When you're really down you won't feel able to and then when you feel a bit better you won't think you need to. Either way, it's too easy to not get help.

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