Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone else never had an orgasm during sex??

(30 Posts)
QuestionTime Sat 22-Oct-11 09:10:45

Sorry but wondered if it was just me!! Only had two partners so not very experienced but feel like I am missing out!!
No probs reaching it in other ways but sex is a complete non starter!!

confidence Sat 22-Oct-11 09:22:42

I'm not a woman but have had slept with enough, and talked with enough about their relationship histories, to have an informed opinion.

This is VERY common - possibly even the norm. So much so that it's extraordinary how many women still think there's something wrong with them when it doesn't happen that way. It's all to do with where exactly needs to be stimulated, and how. Peoples' anatomy varies but for many, a penis penetrating might be perfectly emjoyable but will just never "hit the spot", the way fingers or a tongue can.

Many relationships are happy and healthy and mutually satisfying with the woman getting regular orgasms completely outside of penetration. It's just a matter of appreciating things that way they are and not comparing them to some imaginary external standard.

So don't worry!

HauntyMython Sat 22-Oct-11 09:26:07

Same here, oral sex is always successful - and DH loves doing it grin - but never had an orgasm during actual sex.

Charbon Sat 22-Oct-11 10:52:18

Controversial opinion perhaps, but I think part of the problem is that men take far too much comfort in the received wisdom that most women orgasm by other means. So it doesn't occur to them to discuss it with their female partners and see if she would like to try a few different things so that an orgasm through penetration becomes possible. In this situation, I see women agonising about what they should do to achieve this - and not enough men willing to change their technique, or put their own orgasm to one side so that a woman can get hers. Sex should be a collaboration and a constant quest for both partners to reach their sexual potential.

If you want to orgasm this way, I suggest you both do some reading and treat it as a joint exploration and challenge. It really is worth persevering...wink

smallnotfaraway Sat 22-Oct-11 12:40:18

"Sex should be a collaboration and a constant quest for both partners to reach their sexual potential." Yes, I agree. Great post, Charbon. smile

babyhammock Sat 22-Oct-11 12:48:50

Agree too with Charbon

As for This is VERY common coming from a man... did make me laugh grin

Malificence Sat 22-Oct-11 12:59:58

Half your problem is deciding that anything other than penis in vagina is not really sex.
It's really quite easy to have an orgasm whilst having intercourse, either stimulate yourself manually/with a vibrator, or have your partner do it, in conjunction with him inside you. Orgasms are stronger and much more satisfying with something to grip onto wink
You might be lucky enough to start having vaginal or blended orgasms as you get older too.

Changing your postion or using the CAT method might yield good results, you on top with his bum up on a pillow and you grinding against him rather than moving up and down , your bum up on a pillow with him kneeling between your legs, you on all fours but with head and arms lower ( that really opens up your pelvis wink ) - basically it's about finding the right angle of penetration to hit the spot. It's all really good fun whatever happens grin A vibrationg cock ring can be helpful too.

SunRaysthruClouds Sat 22-Oct-11 13:23:52

Well babyhammock, Confidence's personal experience is just one less than yours! And maybe he talks to more women about it than you. (doesn't mean he's right though smile)

nickelbabe Sat 22-Oct-11 13:24:48

me. i haven't.

I don't think that's unusual.
i thought that's what foreplay was invented for?

Sylvana Sun 23-Oct-11 09:35:15

I orgasm every time we have sex blush I can even have multiples if I want but I can't be bothered these days cause its too exhausting.

But I only orgasm if I'm on top, I have to be in control. It never happens if DH is on top of me ... that position does nothing for me, same with doggy, great for him but not for me.

I find I have to be selfish, thinking of my needs only, DH will have his own orgasm afterwards anyway so I only need to concentrate on me. Its not bounching up and down but a slow, rhythmic grind that does the trick every time. DH doesn't have to do anything, he just needs to lie back and stand to attention grin Its me riding him

Btw, I find orgasms through self masterbation just as powerful as orgasms via sex.

Good luck ladies, it is possible!

CantBelieveImAskingThis Sun 23-Oct-11 09:56:52

I can only orgasm during sex with me on top. Any other position requires the help of fingers, tongue or vibrator.

didldidi Sun 23-Oct-11 10:02:25

not me either, and I had plenty of different partners in my youth! can only have clitoral.

ShowOfHands Sun 23-Oct-11 10:11:39

I don't orgasm full stop. I do have plenty of revelations during sex though. About wallpaper and stuff.

FreakoidOrganisoid Sun 23-Oct-11 10:14:24

I can orgasm through penetration, but usually have to work for it (like freaklikeme it's a slow grinding so still a clitoral orgasm). Me on top or missionary is best for me, but also depends on who I'm shagging because different bodies fit differently, it's a case of getting the angle right mainly.

ionysis Sun 23-Oct-11 11:21:44

Only with two people out of the MANY MANY I have slept with. Was in a 5 year relationship with lots of orgasms through intercourse. Has also happened VERY seldom with my current husband. Its just about how the different body parts fit and the chemistry I guess. Keep trying different guys until you find one who fits grin

Wooooooooooooooppity Sun 23-Oct-11 11:28:00

Hahaha ionysus.

Very unusual advice.

grin

ionysis Sun 23-Oct-11 11:35:36

Its actually REALLY difficult to "direct" a man to moving in the right way to make it happen (trust me I have really tried!). It seems like either they do it in a way which works for you or they don't. I never had to direct my ex - whatever he did naturally just felt right he didn't try any clever tricks or positions or anything. Never managed to explain it to anyone sucessfully. The only other few times it has happened it has been kind of by accident. I do think penis size is relevant though.

Sylvana Sun 23-Oct-11 12:17:16

Do you think so ionysis ? I think my DH has quite a ... ahem, wide girth but I've never slept with anyone else so I've no comparsion, but we obviously fit quite well.

As regards directing, yes I'm sure a man can bring a woman to orgasm if he hits the right spot but women should take charge of the directing themselves, thus increasing their chance of bringing themselves to orgasm, its not just the man's responsibility. Make 'em lie there and go at it hell for leather - thats what I do grin

squeakyfreakytoy Sun 23-Oct-11 12:30:36

Depends as Mal says, if you consider only penetration to be sex. I have never had an orgasm through penetration alone.. but I have had plenty during foreplay, and using a combination of toys.

If you havent used toys with your partner before, it is a good idea to broach it tactfully, and not make them feel like they arent good enough or upto the job. There are loads of different things on the market that you can buy to spice things up a bit withouut making the bloke feel inadequate.

Many men also find it a big turn on for a woman to masturbate herself during penetration, and that can also be a good recipe for success.

ionysis Sun 23-Oct-11 12:31:31

I wish I knew EXACTLY what ex used to do. But not being male I just don't quite know or can't seem to replicate it reliably with anyone else. confused

ImOneToo Sun 23-Oct-11 12:35:14

OP don't stress yourself out re never having orgasmed through vaginal intercourse.

FACT : 75% of women NEVER orgasm through penetrative sex so don't worry.

There are a few good suggestions and the one re stimulating your clit with a vibe whilst your partner is penetrating you is one of the best. May not be the comfiest and concentrating on the vibe can sometimes take away the pleasure of the penetration but its all a case of trial and error.

squeakyfreakytoy Sun 23-Oct-11 12:41:26

I can highly recommend this for using during penetration... it isnt big enough to get in the way, and it definately works!

EricNorthmansMistress Sun 23-Oct-11 19:24:02

It takes a lot of concentration to orgasm through penetration, and a partner who can stay hard as needed, and has the control and the patience to allow you to direct the show IMO. I find myself doing it manually while we have sex most of the time, because it's quicker and easier blush but it works for us.

confidence Sun 23-Oct-11 22:15:07

Charbon - Actually, I really believe the opposite is the case. Most young men naturally assume that orgasm is inextricably and exclusively linked with intercourse. Partly because it happens easily that way for them, and partly because we're conditioned by the media to see it that way for both sexes - the shared orgasm during penetration as the ultimate "goal" and indication that the sex has "worked".

It tends to only be those of us with a relatively low degree of machismo who can let go of the "achievement" aspect and accept that it's not really like that.

Take for example babyhammock's little comment - I'm not sure whether it was about my being unqualified to say, or whether it was suggesting that I'm accidentally admitting I'm not a very good lover (because so many of them women I've slept with haven't come during intercourse).

If it's the latter, then it's a perfectly funny and OK joke, to me. But you have to understand that a huge number of men with an insecure sense of their masculinity take jokes like that very seriously, and focus all their sexual concern on the fact that their partner doesn't come from penetration alone, when they would do far better for their relationships by approaching all the possibilities more open-mindedly. Not perpetuating the myth of a man's sexual value being entirely measured by his partner's orgasms during penetration, would do far more good for women than telling men they're not trying hard enough.

You may well be right though about some men not being willing enough to discuss doing it differently, I don't know. I would just say that there's a danger of the OP taking that as the solution, and finding it still doesn't make any difference (because she just isn't built that way). She may then be even more frustrated, plus resenting her partner for his perceived failing, when really there's no problem in the first place.

I think part of the problem is that women vary hugely in this respect - far more than men. There are women who come quickly and easily and over again from penetration alone; women who never come at all; and everything in between. As such I may, paradoxically, be more qualified in my opinion as I've experienced a more varied sample than most people here.

anotherpostcard Sun 23-Oct-11 22:16:05

Psst - ShowOfHands (slightly embarrassed namechanger here who doesn't usually post on these threads, but has read a lot of them).

Until recently I would have said exactly what you did - not orgasmic in any way, with partner, solo, vibrators, whatever. I'm in my forties and have slept with a dozen or so men, and tried pretty much everything in the way of different positions, oral and everything. I just assumed I didn't have the right nerve endings or something. But then thanks to a MN tip-off a few weeks ago, I got a wand massager with an extra attachment.

I didn't really expect it work, just like all the other vibrators I have tried over the years. But it did. First time shock. And every time after that, usually in less than five minutes. Sometimes several times a day blush.

Just thought I'd mention it in case you want to see what all the fuss is about.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now