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Does anyone know what I mean about sharing responsibility for grownup stuff?

(10 Posts)
badoomtish Fri 21-Oct-11 21:45:50

I have been in need of a new phone for ages and ages but have been putting it off because money has been tight. Today DH said that enough was enough and ordered me one. I am completely and utterly euphoric because he took the initiative.

We're in the process of arranging joint finances after 9 years together. I've mostly been the breadwinner, but now we have children I work PT and he works FT so for the first time since the pre-DC days our incomes are comparable and it's suddenly made sense to pool them. I'm naturally more cautious and money-conscious and as a result I have involuntarily been the driver of the household finances etc. Once in a while I sit him down and go through all our outgoings and jiggle budgets and he always rolls his eyes and sighs lots.

For the first time I've realised he's looked at the situation, worked out what was possible within our limitations, and made a decision to get something for me. I can't believe how good this feels, like a burden I have never wanted has at long last been willingly shared.

Is this really weird and unusual? I've probably got thus far by sailing past an ocean of red flags, haven't I?

FabbyChic Fri 21-Oct-11 21:49:33

Hey I hope he chose you a nice phone and you got to decide with him!

lostinwales Fri 21-Oct-11 21:50:10

No I don't think it's unusual, if you've always taken the initiative in the past he's probably just floated on, fair play for him having a go. Yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that I have to get up earlier because of DS1 getting the bus to big school and I hate the responsibility of being the one to wake up early for him and DH said 'Well you could always come and wake me up if you want me to do it' hmm...

badoomtish Fri 21-Oct-11 22:06:46

Honestly, it feels like some sort of seminal moment. How odd.

It is a nice phone, he let me choose smile I feel less like the adult and more like I've been treated than I have for years!

badoomtish Fri 21-Oct-11 22:07:21

Also, los, know what you mean - "I'm happy to help, just wake me up" is a phrase I hear all too often hmm

lostinwales Fri 21-Oct-11 22:20:10

I often wonder if it's my fault for being in charge all the time <sigh>. I had my seminal moment a few years ago now and I know what you mean. I'm not as easy going as I was and sometimes he seems quite bewildered (can't quite bring myself to be so condescending as to go 'bless') but I have stopped doing quite so much. He got a bit of a shock when he got a bigger fine for a parking ticket he'd got 'but I thought you reminding me meant you'd pay it'! It's baby steps but I reckon by the time he's 60 he will be moderately independant grin I've finally started doing things for me and it's great. (He's a nice bloke though I hope yours is too)

badoomtish Fri 21-Oct-11 22:31:06

grin yes, I can identify with the parking ticket thing!

He is a nice bloke, thoroughly decent and very alpha about lots of things, just not about steering our life together in any particular direction. I think the independence thing is very attractive, so I'm happy about that.

I am a very forceful, control-freaky sort. I do a job where I have to deal with intense, pressurised situations, make quick and vital decisions, and generally be the responsible professional. When problems happen it's my lookout. So I really don't like to have the same at home. I want to share the burden a bit, but my personality has been a hindrance. So this is a good thing, for both of us.

I am glad that your perseverance and patience are paying off. Maybe he's secretly planning to whisk you somewhere amazing for a big anniversary grin

choochfull Sun 23-Oct-11 19:03:28

my husband is exactly the same, the only dealings with money is to ask me for petrol money! really gets me down, he has no responsibilty for anything at all! No matter how many times i have discussed this with him and said how much this upsets me nothing changes, he makes no choices, dosn't suggest anything, has to be asked to wash a dish etc, i wish things would change, but i don't know what else to do but split up, and a really don't want to do that!!!

lynniep Sun 23-Oct-11 19:11:35

I know what you mean, as I pretty much run everything around here (although DH does the mortgage, which actually has only needed arranging once, and will need sorting next month, but still)

We had a car issue a while back which meant we were in dispute with the dealer who sold me it. I was getting more and more stressed about the letters to-ing and fro-ing, and then one day, he just said 'are you getting stressed about it? what for? I'll sort that' and I just thought 'eureka!!'

Of course I have no idea if he has sorted it or not. He told me he'd taken them to small claims and that was nearly a year ago, so I am going to have to start nagging him to follow it up...

badoomtish Sun 23-Oct-11 20:48:28

Sympathy to you both - it does get very wearing. The thing is, and I can only speak for myself here, it's sort of brought on by my control-freakery. And it's hard to stand back and say "OK, it's not done to my standard/as I would have done it, but it's done and that's fine". But I think you have to do that in order to avoid the cycle of doing every damned thing.

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