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What IS it with mil/dil relationships?

(80 Posts)
bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 20:15:24

Why are they so tricky?

Why is mumsnet overrun (tainted even) with negative threads about mils?

purplewerepidj Fri 21-Oct-11 20:22:17

I'm polite to my MIL

She's polite to me.

We don't have a problem <shrug>

Maybe it's the implied intimacy of the relationship. The son/DP is the incredibly important to both parties which ought to give the two women something in common, but the relationship is somewhat hothoused and pressured in a way that doesn't happen with normal social relationships?

Kayano Fri 21-Oct-11 20:27:40

I play bingo with my mil every Sunday. She is awesome and more like my great friend and comrade than mil

Off for the weekend together soon grin

Y'all jealous?

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 20:29:13

I think a lot of women are hostile from the get-go.

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 21-Oct-11 20:35:48

I liked mine but she always takes sil side when she ought to say your old enough to sort it out.

Sil treats em like dirt so I don't know why she does it.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt Fri 21-Oct-11 20:37:50

From what I've read on here, many women seem to think that

a) they are the only ones allowed to have a relationship with their child, and that parents (especially mothers and MIL) are interfering if they try to establish a relationship with their grandchild

b) their own mothers have a right to a relationship with their child that their MIL is not entitled to

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 20:43:04

That is exactly what bothers me Biwi. There seems to be a general acceptance that the relationship between a mothers parents and a grandchild is sacrosanct, but a fathers parents relationship with the grandhchild needs to be tolerated through gritted teeth.

It annoys me no end, this "default" setting.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 21-Oct-11 20:43:24

I think perhaps though MN gives a skewed image. I would assume that loads of women get along fine with their MILs, just that 'my MIL is lovely, what cake shall I bake her' wouldn't make a very interesting aibu title.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 21-Oct-11 20:44:25

I love my MIL btw. PILs are wonderful people.

Don't get me started on the beelzebub SIL though...

coffeeinbed Fri 21-Oct-11 20:44:40

I'm sure some MILs are lovely, however, if you'd met mine you'd understand.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 20:44:58

You are right, of course, Getorf grin.

But I would like to see more challenging of the mil bashing that goes on on this site.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 21-Oct-11 20:48:11

yes I agree - it must be very disenheartening for mothers of sons reading the sheer vitriol on here, and thinking they have got that to come.

lostinwales Fri 21-Oct-11 20:53:10

I adore my Mil. It wasn't always so but not dislike so much as politely not knowing each other very well. After I had DS1 I could see she loved him as fiercely as I did and was shocked to realise that was how she obviously felt about her DS1 (DH), we got on better and better from that moment and now I live 3 minutes down the road from her and am genuinely pleased every time I see her and I hope the feeling is mutual. I find it funny when you love the same people that people have so many problems. (But then she is a very lovely, generous of spirit, do anything for family sort of person, so I think I lucked out big time grin)

I agree with GetOrf 'my MIL is lovely, what cake shall I bake her' would be a totally crap AIBU title. (although I was thinking about trying the ubiquitous Chocolate Beetroot cake if anyone was interested, FiL loves it when I bring forbidden cake around and if it's got beetroot in it's veg really isn't it wink)

purplewerepidj Fri 21-Oct-11 20:56:34

GetOrf, I'm going to attempt Challah for mine this weekend...

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 20:58:39

I am very very fond of my mil too and my relationship with her is a lot less tricky than the r/ship I have with my dmum. I prefer to spend time in her company. Doesn't mean to say she doesn't drive me batty sometimes, but I don't seem to have that "mils can do nothing right" mentality that is so fucking prevalent on here.

Winkyslink Fri 21-Oct-11 21:00:34

I dont think its really about not thinking MILs have the same right to seeing grandchildren etc...if this was a male heavy forum you would probably find similar issues.

I think problems can arise because MILs are very close members of the family, and it can be harder to deal with disagreements, frequency of contact etc, than it is with family that you have grown up with. Often because its easier to deal with difficult situations with your own parents because you have decades of practise, whereas you might feel uncomfortable being direct with your partner 's family.

Another thing is the amount of contact...i see more of my mum than dp mum, therefore so does my child...if i had 6 monthsoff work without being on maternity leave i would see her more, so the fact i have my baby with me is irrelevant...i would hate to feel that i should have to apportion equal time just for the sake of it.

GuillotinedMaryLacey Fri 21-Oct-11 21:02:38

Dunno, I love my MIL. It took a while, I was the first newcomer to their large family and she's bonkers as conkers but we get on great now.

Bunbaker Fri 21-Oct-11 21:06:43

I get on brilliantly with mine. She is the only parent OH and I have left between us and we treasure her. Both MIL and I are straight talking people and we have a special understanding. We don't always agree on things, but we always agree to disagree. I get on well with SIL too.

MIL is always telling her friends how well she gets on with me (which I find very flattering)

MIL and DD have a special relationship and I want them to treasure each other. We live too far away to see each other regularly and go and stay with her for a few days every school holidays. She is 82 now and slowing down so we do want to make the most of the time she has left.

ByTheSea Fri 21-Oct-11 21:08:55

I have given up on my MIL. I tried for many years to be a great DIL to her, but she just never took to me for some reason. She has been quite hateful to me on many occasions. I have now given up -- if I see her, I'm polite, but I don't go out of my way anymore. DH has stood by me and hates how she behaves towards me.

KRITIQ Fri 21-Oct-11 21:57:09

Both my MIL and FIL are wonderful people - the sort of people I'd like to have as good friends, even if we aren't related. I think that's mainly down to personalities and the fact that I don't think they have any prescribed ideas about what their son should do, so long as he's happy.

My ex PIL were different though. I always got the sense that they "tolerated" me because I was married to their son, polite enough, but definitely a distance there. I tried (as you do) to get closer to them early on, but then eventually just let it be. I think that was down to their personalities as well (they didn't go out, socialise or have any other friends,) and probably having some pretty fixed ideas about the kind of relationship their son should have. He was an only child as well, so not sure if that makes a difference, too.

I was happier once I stopped flogging that dead horse. Much happier with the lively and fun horses I have now (so to speak!) grin

WaitingForMe Fri 21-Oct-11 21:59:16

I don't think it needs to be a problem but when she's a passive aggressive wannabe martyr and you lack the time and inclination to pander to her then there will be problems. wink

I can't win anyway. DP and Exw used to see loads of her as a way of not being alone with the DC. Once they broke up and had decent relationships (I feel justified saying this as Exw has a lovely boyfriend and is much happier according to everyone) MIL obviously saw less of the DC. She doesn't understand that we treasure our time as a new little family unit.

For the record I host a family lunch once a month (one of the two weekends we have my DSS) but yes I'm a bitch keeping her from her grandsons angry

BecauseImAWerewolefIt Fri 21-Oct-11 22:16:25

As the mother of two boys, I do worry terribly about being a good MIL. (Although as DS1 is gay, I think I may have other worries! grin). But I worry that no matter how considerate/careful I may try to be, that any daughter-in-law isn't going to extend the same consideration to me, based on what I have read here over the years.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Fri 21-Oct-11 22:29:37

smile biwi, yes I am almost certain my only ds is gay, so I probly don't have to worry unduly! And yet still it wrankles - all this vitriol pumped out without so much as a backward glance towards other women who might only be 20-25 years older than the op. I don't know, I can't quite articulate it, but there seems to be a casual acceptance of hatred or dislike towards mils on Mumsnet.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 21-Oct-11 22:41:07

Don't worry too much - if you're a nice person I am sue it will be OK. My MIL has 5 sons so 4 dils (one of her sons died) - and all her daughters in law absolutely love her, and are very close.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 21-Oct-11 22:41:46

lol at 'if you are a nice person' - talk about damn with faint praise! You know what I mean grin

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