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You were all right

(42 Posts)
SpareRoomSleeper Thu 20-Oct-11 20:55:07

I posted on here before. About my H, who is sabotaging my studies at university.

I think our relationship is coming to an end now. I cant handle this anymore.

I dont know what to say. My fingers are stiff and hard with cold, and I am shaking. But my mind is blank.

Where would I and DD live?

I cant live at my mums. She lives far away and I have to finish this course. I have to.

Where do people like me go? What would happen if he threw me out like he is saying he will?

Please, advice needed. Practical advice, whats the general procedure in such circumstances?

And I couldnt carry on living here even if I had the right by law till it sells etc, because he will make my life even more hell than it is.

lubeybooby Thu 20-Oct-11 20:58:43

Aww love sad Have you got access to money, even if it's just a credit card? You could probably rent somewhere and would be entitled to some benefits, tax credits etc as a student.

When I left my ex I had some money saved and my mum helped me with about 1/4 of my rent deposit etc

SuePurblybiltFromBitsofCorpses Thu 20-Oct-11 21:00:25

Your university will have people to help you - look on the website now for student support. They can help with housing too.

SpareRoomSleeper Thu 20-Oct-11 21:03:43

Ive got about £1000 in my bank of student loan. Is that enough? I dont know the first thing about renting. Ive always lived at home, or lived in student halls, that were always paid for by my mum and dad and sorted by the uni (when I was an undergraduate) or friends who I lived with.

AlwaysRocking Thu 20-Oct-11 21:03:51

I would recommend calling gingerbread tomorrow, I spoke to a benefit advisor there when I was pregnant and on my own and they were really helpful. Not sure how it works with studying, but when I was on maternity pay i got a quite a lot of housing benefit and tax credits so it may be more manageable than you think.

Sorry you are going through this sad

SpareRoomSleeper Thu 20-Oct-11 21:08:36

lubey, I miss my dad so much. He would have sorted this out. I just feel so lost without him.

AlwaysRocking Thu 20-Oct-11 21:27:38

I didn't see your other thread but sorry you are feeling so lonely. On a practical note I'm sure there must be some sort of welfare officer at university who should be able to point you in the right direction for more advice. Do you have friends nearby who you could stay with short term?

nothaunted Thu 20-Oct-11 21:32:45

See what the university can do to help. Explain the circumstances, they may have hardship loans or access to money for particular circumstances. Also look on Gumtree for a houseshare. You and DD are in many ways the perfect student lodgers - no wild parties, no friends round late. Don't look at the bad things, you have a course to finish and after that a whole new life to begin. No wonder your OH is being useless, he is jealous of you and your life.

carantala Thu 20-Oct-11 21:34:26

Am not 100% sure but think that there should be an almoner/advocate/adviser available through your course; otherwise, you may be able to get some help through social services or gingerbread (as AR says). Good luck with everything! So sorry your dad's not around to help - take care of yourself.

AnyPhantomFucker Thu 20-Oct-11 21:34:54

Speak to your university welfare officer

Speak to CAB

Speak to Women's Aid

Go the JobCentre and ask to see the Lone Parent Advisor

Call your friends and family and tell them the whole truth about how you are living

all of it

People, by default, want to help you

Stop pushing them away by pretending everything is fine

You know it isn't fine, it never was, they knew that too but couldn't help you until you acknowledged it too

you will be surprised at the support you get

SpareRoomSleeper Thu 20-Oct-11 22:02:22

I want to tell my mum, but cant. Dad passed away only afew months ago.
She's not coping very well.
None of us are really. I cant pile this on her. She's old, and she's grieving.

Wish you were here Dad. Feeling so weak without you.

AnyPhantomFucker Thu 20-Oct-11 22:05:09

I see you miss your dad

But how did he raise you ?

To be true to yourself ?

To be an independent woman ?

To ensure people treat you well, and if they don't...get them out of your life ?

Or that you stay in an untenable situation because of fear

Come on love..what would he wish for you ?

izzywhizzysfritenite Thu 20-Oct-11 22:10:40

You're grieving too, honey, and that may be contributing to making you feel helpless but there is support out there if you know where to look.

Give the Women's Aid helpline 0208 2000 247 a call - if you/dd are at risk of harm from your h there may be a refuge place available for you both.

Talk to your university's Student Welfare Adviser and also visit your student union office as they may be able to help you find temporary accomodation which will give you the break you need to consider your longer term options and concentrate on your studies.

spatchcock Thu 20-Oct-11 23:29:23

No wise advice from me but just wanted to give you a massive hug. Sounds like you've been through the mill. Really sorry about your dad. You and your DD WILL get through this, remember this too shall pass. Keep posting x

Jux Thu 20-Oct-11 23:56:07

Sorry about your dad, sorry about your stbexH.

Definitely go to your student welfare officer, maybe have a talk with your tutor too? Women's Aid, local council to find out what -if anything - you could claim financially.

Don't underestimate your mum, either; I don't know your mum, obviously, but I know my mum would not have thanked me for thinking she was too old to help me when I really needed it, like you do now.

metanium6 Thu 20-Oct-11 23:57:45

Yes, I am afraid. I'm so scared of DD having bad, traumatic memories of us seperating, and of not having a Dad.

I'm so scared of having a toddler on my own, and being a single mum and divorced at the age of 27.
I wish I could close my eyes and disappear.

SpareRoomSleeper Fri 21-Oct-11 00:01:32

Sorry that was me, my phone was still logged in to the temporary username mumsnet gave me to leave feedback for a product I was testing.

SpareRoomSleeper Fri 21-Oct-11 00:05:11

I'm going to speak to someone at uni tomorrow. Just so I know what help is available. I'm really scared they'll say they can't help. If push came to shove, I'd go to my mums. But that would mean leaving the course, which is essential now more than ever before.

pickgo Fri 21-Oct-11 00:17:38

You know being a lp really isn't that bad.

I remember being on the brink of leaving and feeling really scared. Literally on the first day out and away from xh I felt so much better. Within days I felt enormous relief, the tension starting to leave me and a sense of freedom. It just was not half as bad as I'd built it up to be in my mind - in fact it was bliss.

And I don't think DCs need 2 parents, one is enough as long as they are loved, better than 2 at loggerheads or with a crap one. Children really are resilient, your DD will be fine if you are.

You will get housing benefit to help with renting somewhere and child tax credit. You can apply to the Uni hardship fund to help with a deposit/furniture. Student union are good for advice/support.

You will be ok - take it one step and one day at a time. x

WetAugust Fri 21-Oct-11 00:34:16

Please contact your Student Welfare office and ask to see them urgently. They will help - that's what they are they for. Also universities have their own Benefits Advisors and they can give you practical help and advice.

Unis also have lists of accommodation so can help you find a new place to rent and can also provide hardship grants / loans.

As a student with a child you'll qualify for income support and housing benefit.

Best wishes

threefeethighandrising Fri 21-Oct-11 00:54:24

I'd say definitely speak to your uni. I've found mine to be very helpful.

Ask them if they can help you with sorting out housing.

Most unis have a hardship fund too, they can give you money. Find out how you can apply for this. They may be able to help you with a deposit, ask them about this. Apply for this sooner rather than later as they usually have a finite amount of money to give out and it's first come first served.

Also it might be worth speaking to your course leader (or your tutor if you have one?) about getting extensions to the deadlines for your work. You may well be able to get extensions given the circumstances, but find out on what basis (you may need the Doctor to confirm that your are stressed for example, or the uni may be sympathetic to your situation, ask them how it works to find out where you stand).

How long have you got left on your course?

It will be OK in the end. This bit is horrible and you should accept any reasonable help you're offered to get you through it. But it will be better in the long term, once you've got past breaking up, for you and your DCs. Once you're past this bit and settled you'll most likely start feeling yourself again, and a happy mum is very important indeed.

threefeethighandrising Fri 21-Oct-11 00:57:26

£1000 isn't really enough to rent on your own I'd have thought, as most places need a deposit of a months rent in advance.

Do you have any uni mates you can share with? If you share while studying, it's best to share with other students as you'll be exempt from council tax if everyone in the house is a student.

Although I don't know much about what you're entitle to as a lone parent student, maybe you're entitle to income support and housing benefit?

Try the benefits checker here to work out what you'd be entitled to.

WetAugust Fri 21-Oct-11 01:01:33

Benefits checker won't calculate benefits for students - they rules are complex and there is a disclasimer on the benefits checker telling students not to use it.

She will get IS and she will qualify for HB - and probably the Special Support Grant for students with special circumstances too - definitely apply for it.

Jux Fri 21-Oct-11 01:02:36

Your toddler won't always be a toddler.

There are much worse things than being divorced at 27; like being married to a dick who thinks you do nothing at home and who sabotages your attempts to better your family's circumstances.

I read on a thread somewhere that the one thing worse than being married to a twunt like your dh for x years is being married to a twunt like your dh for x years and a day.

Yes, it'll be difficult sorting everything out, yes you will feel guilty as hell for a while, but that too shall pass, and you will be fine.

mathanxiety Fri 21-Oct-11 02:43:01

Speaking as someone who held off telling her mother how bad things were because of one reason or another including deaths in the family, I can tell you that my mother felt terrible that I hadn't told her and was actually mad with me for it. After she had bent over backwards to help in every single way possible.

Please tell your mum. She will feel terrible knowing you tried to spare her feelings and the longer it goes on the worse she will feel.

Not expressing this very well.

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