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Recognising Red Flags in friend's relationship

(6 Posts)
NameyMcNamechange007 Thu 20-Oct-11 14:20:04

What do I do?

Going to try and be vague as the specifics could possibly out my friend, but she is in a vulnerable position as she suffers from a disability.

I've always knows that her DH can be a bit nasty when drunk. In fact when my own DS was around 9 months old we were away with them, he and my DP stayed up drinking til 5am, being really noisy. I was in tears as DS was not sleeping and went to ask them to please, please go to bed. He was aggressive and taunting me, and I did feel threatened. My DP was not happy about the situation at all, but again, didn't say anything at the time (maybe through worry about what he would do?) The next day it was as if nothing happened and I didn't say anything.

They have recently had their first child. He has spoken to her badly in front of us before, but I suppose we could have taken his outburst as frustration and concern for her because of her condition. But recently I was staying over and he got very drunk and had a vile outburst at her. She was crying and although I was in bed, I heard her half of the conversation saying she couldn't help it as she is disabled sad Their baby is still tiny and I would assume she would have felt very vulnerable with him such a state with their little son there.

The next day, for the first time, she cried to me about it saying he can be really nasty to her when drunk. He had also been abusive to my husband that evening. She was really upset, I asked if he ever apologised and she said no, he will often deny he's even said it as he can't remember. If he does remember, he will give a half hearted apology. I said that in that case he should stop drinking.

I don't think he is violent, or likely to be, but I guess I don't know. He is a very popular guy and easy to get on with, but I've had sercret worries before because of his aggression and temper after a drink.

I'm worried. Can I do anything or do I just have to be there if she needs me? I have a feeling she wouldn't tell me, and it's only because I was there that she spoke to me. It is much harder for her to leave (if she wanted to, which at the moment she definitely doesn't) that it is for most people.

Rollon2012 Thu 20-Oct-11 14:27:29

your poor friend and poor you , seeing this sit. I think looking out for her you are doing the right thing

did ur dp tell him to back off when he was aggressive to you?? I would flip if trhat was me.at both of them

mumsamilitant Thu 20-Oct-11 14:30:42

How long has she been with him. Drink obviously doesn't agree with him. The best answer would be for him to stop but probably very unlikely. How often does he get drunk?

NameyMcNamechange007 Thu 20-Oct-11 15:13:14

She's been with him a while, not sure exactly, 10 years? I don't see them that often so not sure how often he drinks but before the baby would have been once a week. Not saying he was aggressive every time though. Think there would have to be a bigger catalyst for him to stop drinking though.

My DP did say something to him, but TBH not too much, he just wanted to diffuse the situation I think. He did get him to go to bed...

mumsamilitant Thu 20-Oct-11 15:23:05

Having a new baby is a very stressful thing. Just keeping an eye on your friend is all you can do at the moment I guess.

Snorbs Thu 20-Oct-11 15:40:57

So:

a) He drinks to get drunk (rather than, say, just having a couple)
b) When he's drunk he is often aggressive and nasty to his wife
c) He knows this, yet
d) He still drinks

The only logical way to look at this situation is that alcohol is more important to him than his wife's happiness. This kind of behaviour might be an indication that he's an alcoholic. Or it could just be that he's a nasty, self-centred twunt.

Sadly there is not much you can do for someone who is in an abusive relationship other than to do your best to be there for her and to try to help her keep hold of some shreds of self-esteem.

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