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Do sex (or rather no sex) questions even go on the relationships board?

(8 Posts)
kindaembarrassed Thu 20-Oct-11 10:45:27

Hello. I'm a regular poster (not on relationships though) who has namechanged as I feel embarrassed talking about this.

Basically I had a baby just over 2 and a half years ago. Our little girl was unwell and we had a traumatic time (all resolved now thankfully).

Since then I just haven't been able to/wanted to have sex.

This is making me really sad, but also I just don't feel I can do it. My DP has been lovely, it makes him sad and he misses it but he is supportive. But its not what either of us wanted from our relationship.

I just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation because I feel like a freak, especially now so many people are having their second children. I never talk about this in RL as I just don't know how to.

I just wondered if anyone else has ever been through something like this and it got better once they weren't stressed any more? Or where to go for help. My GP isn't very approachable and already thinks I'm quite flaky as I've had a lot of counselling etc since my DD's illness.

Thanks for reading and any responses will be appreciated.

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:47:58

Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say you are not a freak. I am glad your DP is supporting you. So many women have been on here with similar feelings and their DPs have been anything but supportive.

CantBelieveImAskingThis Thu 20-Oct-11 14:35:39

Just bookmarking my place. Sorry I have no advice but I have a friend in the same situation. Her DC is 3 and a half now and her husband seems to have reached the end of his tether. I would love some advice to pass on.

bumbums Thu 20-Oct-11 14:53:54

All I can think of is to try sexual therapy with relate. You don't need the GP to go to them. There is a fee though.

What about when you and dh go on 'dates'? Do you make a special effort look nice so you feel good about yourself?

I think the intimacy will return. But do take baby steps with it. Try to do little things like holding dh's hand, sitting next to one another of an evening, cuddling, kissing.
Make sure dh knows that these little things aren't an invitation for sex but just you getting used to touching and being touched again.

I find when dh and i don't have sex for a while we both forget that we like it and so stop wanting it. Sometimes making yourself do it can be the start you need to get you liking and wanting sex.

What do you think? Am I way off mark?

CobOnTheCorn Thu 20-Oct-11 14:58:19

OP, I don't have any personal experience but if I was in your shoes the first thing I'd do is contact Suzi Godson who is a sex counsellor. She has a column in The Times on a Saturday and I really like her style. You could google her and look up some of books etc or but the paper on Sat and see what you think and drop her an email.

kindaembarrassed Thu 20-Oct-11 17:28:09

Hi, firstly many thanks to all for reading and replying. I hate having to talk about this but I just knew it would be worth it just not to be totally alone.

meltedchocolate thanks for the reassurance about not being a freak. I do still feel a bit like a freak tho as you can imagine. It's just I never meet anyone who is in my position, and I guess they never do either - its not like I talk about it.

cantbelieve I feel for your friend's partner as I feel for mine. And your poor friend of course.

cobonthecorn I will check that out - I'm a grauniad reader normally but Pamela SC scares me a bit so maybe time to switch to someone softer!

bumbums I totally get where you are coming from. I just don't know how to start. I am not sure if this is a sex prob or an emotional PTSD type problem, I'm so lost! But tbh, there is not enough effort made generally, I do feel like shit (as so many tired out mums do) and I feel at least ten years older than when my baby was born (she's only 2.5). My DP and I haven't been on a night out since the birth, we don't have any kind of romance. We are still friends (or rather I should say we have got back to being friends, it was really rocky for a good year) but romance or, I can barely even recall it, lust are things I vaguely know about from novels!

I'd love to hear from anyone who wandered into a similar desert and eventually stumbled out.

bumbums Thu 20-Oct-11 20:27:22

Well maybe see a good young female gp and tell her how you feel. Prehaps getting on some anti-depressants is the first stage. I started on them when my youngest was 14mths. They have helped me to think clearly and not get so down. And that had the knock on effect of me being able to look into the mirror and smile and think, ok, not so bad.
Its time to organise some babysitters and get out there as a couple. It doesn't have to be candle light and roses. Just a pub lunch on a sunday, or the cinema.
Tell your dh that you want things to get better. He will be grateful to know that you are trying. Ask him what he thinks he can do to help you.

Davinaaddict Thu 20-Oct-11 22:06:20

There's clearly loads of great advice on here already, but just wanted to add that my DH & I also lost a lot of intimacy after having DS1, resulting in no sex for months (which was driving me crackers towards the end). I had the whole date night thing suggested to me, which I was fairly hmm about initially, but was getting a little desperate, so I decided to give it a try. It consisted of us having a nice dinner on one night of the week, after DS had gone to bed (instead of with him like we usually do), and we sit down in front of the box together and watch something. Phones & laptops are banned for the evening. Oh, and we each take turns in picking the menu and doing the shopping for the meal. There is no pressure to 'do' anything, dress up nicely, or the added expense of having to pay for a night out, babysitters etc, if we don't want to. Of course if DS wakes up then we will go see to him, but we are fortunate enough to have a fairly good sleeper anyway. I found it really helped us to connect as a couple again, as we would actually have a conversation for once, and although things didn't change immediately, they are massively better now than they were just before we started the date night. I am now pregnant with DC2 so I think it must have helped a little smile But we still have date nights now, as I'm concerned that if we don't get into the habit of just being together, it will be very easy to fall into the same position again after DC2 comes along.

And BTW, you are definitely not a freak - I believe having a baby is one of the most traumatic things that you can go through with all the emotional upheaval of the hormones, labour, lack of sleep, feeding etc, and that's without any of the added complications you have gone through with an unwell DD. Give yourself a break, and take things at your own pace. Good luck!

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