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Relationship totally broken since baby 11 months ago- LONG, sorry.

(127 Posts)
misskalse Wed 19-Oct-11 22:50:54

Hi
I am completely new to this whole forum thing but I need some advice.

I gave birth to my first baby 11 months ago and for the first 3 weeks or so my partner was great, helping out etc with cooking and cleaning etc whilst I breastfed our baby and tried to get over a 32 labour. Feeling extremely tired and hormonal and sore and dealing with a baby who cried all of the time I asked my partner to sleep in the spare room as it seemed silly for us both to be tired (and also, whilst I was pregnant, I read an article in The Times written by a new dad saying it was a good idea to sleep in separate rooms for awhile so that way one person is not exhausted and can do chores etc). So partner went into the other room and I could concentrate on feeding the baby in the night without wanting to punch my partner for either being sleep next to me or ending up niggling in the middle of the night.

10 months later and we are still in separate rooms and barely talk. Basically since he has been in the spare room he has totally given up helping me in any way. He has his own business and was working from home for 8 months (I asked him to get an office as it's not healthy for a relationship to be in eachothers pockets night and day). I became so fed up with him being at home day and night (he has no social life so never goes out) that I said if he didn't get an office then I would have to leave. During those early months I was exhausted and hormonal and very moody with him for not helping so turned into a bit of cow.

To cut a long story short, I have basically spent the last 11 months looking after the baby single handedly AND cooking, cleaning, washing, food shopping, with no help from him and I am SO resentful towards him that I can barely be in the same room as him. Before I had the baby he would cook far more often then me, he was super clean (he has mild OCD) but since the baby has been born he has stopped all that. I asked him if he was punishing me for him being in the spare room and he said yes. On top of this since having a baby I have been diagnosed with an overactive thyroid which has made me extrememly tired

I have tried many times to talk to him about why he does nothing etc...I have tried in a calm way and also in a frustrated horrible angry way...both get the same response. He says (nastily) that as he goes to work that he shouldn't have to work and do things around the house. All he goes on about his how hard he works, how tired he is, why the hell should he have to work and do everything in the house (all I have asked is for washing up to be done)......

As I am not working ( I used to temp but then fell pregnant), he gives me money for the food shopping each month and £40 per week for me to spend on myself (coffee with other mums etc). Last month we realised we could get child tax credit. That money goes to me and he hates that. thinks it should go to him for the mortgage and bills. I have explained that it is for the baby. He now says that from next month he is going to stop giving me money for myself. Therefore the money I get for the baby is the money for me. Now surely this is wrong. I cook, clean, wash, look after the baby and he is going to give me nothing? I don't want to take money that is meant for my baby to use for myself.

I am 38 years old, have been with my partner for 5 years (but broken up many times) and feel utterly utterly trapped and confused and have never felt so resentful in my life. I had a wonderful childhood and come from a very happy middle class family and I want that for my daughter. But, I cannot continue being this unhappy in what is effectively no longer a relationship. Just two people with a baby who barely speak. I am so scared of the future for my beautiful daughter as I can't get a job at the moment as I am looking after her and I don't want to be a single mother on benefits. I want to be able to provide for her. I know for my own happiness I should leave as I just don't love him anymore due to so much resentment and all the hurtful things that have been said.... but I don't want to hurt my partner by taking his daughter away from him (although I would hope he would be an active father if we were to split) and I don't want to hurt my daughter.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Any other stay at home mums who could let me know what they are expected to do, if their partners help, if their partners give them money for themselves etc? All my friends with babies have good careers etc so I don't know what is normal. But this just doesn't feel normal to me.

Thanks so much

SolidGoldVampireBat Wed 19-Oct-11 23:30:03

This man is a shit who thinks that women are domestic appliances with fuckholes attached. Before you had the baby I am sure your relationship was 'lovely' as long as you always put the man first and let him have his own way all the time.
Do some research about what benefits you would get and how much maintenance he would have to pay if you binned him, also about what would happen with the family home (is it his? yours? Joint tenancy/mortgage?) Then when you know all the facts, decide whether you want to take DD and leave or tell him to get out. Best of luck. Do not waste more of your time trying to make a selfish sexist man behave decently, because it just never happens.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Wed 19-Oct-11 23:47:30

OP....get rid of this shit now!
He is exactly the same as my Ex......a complete waste of oxygen.
Yes, you have a child with him, but he will always be a selfish tosser who puts himself before anyone else.....including his own kids.
That 'I work outside the home swo I should not be expected to work in the home bullshit' is just that, bullshit.

Get rid now.

lovelydogs Thu 20-Oct-11 00:05:31

What an absolute disgrace of a man. This is not a happy relationship or the perfect family ideal that you recall from your youth. You can have both even if you are not middle class. You can have both even if you have to rely on benefits for a while. It doesn't have to be forever. You can study and have a career when your DD is older. You can provide all the love she needs and create fantastic memories for her without that selfish self absorbed dead beat excuse for a husband you now have.

SansaLannister Thu 20-Oct-11 00:10:40

What SolidGold said. Start making plans to bin him. He'll never change.

forkful Thu 20-Oct-11 01:01:41

OP are you also getting the child benefit paid to you in addition to the child tax credits?

You should both have equal "spending on yourself money".

Rogers1 Thu 20-Oct-11 08:58:15

miss....3 months ago...what u have just written...could have been written by me. Everything is the same. Do not let this go on any longer. The resentment you feel will only bottle up & will make u feel crazy.
Have u thought if couples counselling...Relate...or a local organisation?
Crunch time came in my house after a few days apart...after hours of tears....we got to the root of the problem.
If when u speak to your H...do u ever come to the root of the problem...solutions?
I really...really do know what u are going through.
I believe it to be common in new parents but it's heartbreaking when happening to you.
As for the money....h can not control u through money..tax credit is for baby...the money h gives u...is for u. He is being unreasonable & can I say selfish.
I really hope u resolve things.

fluffythevampirestabber Thu 20-Oct-11 09:11:22

Sweetheart he is never going to change.

Start on your get out plan. Find out all you're entitled to.

He's an arse, he's always going to have you doing everything and running after him and he is never ever ever going to change

Whatsyourexcuse Thu 20-Oct-11 09:35:37

I am also the mother of an 11 mth old and it is very hard work. My relationship with dh has also changed and this takes some getting used to. BUT before you leave your relationship as everyone else seems to be saying.

Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place, get a babysitter and go on a night out and spend time with your dp away from your child.

Get him to look after your child while you do something for yourself

Can I also say that the worst advice is to start having separate rooms. Maybe let him back into your room (for sleep not suggesting anything else at first).

I was getting very resentful like you are and I decided to "pretend " that my relationship with dh was like it was before ds for a while, I was nice to dh and really made an effort ( I decided to be the 'bigger person') he was much more relaxed, and much nicer to me in return, helped out a lot more and our relationship was much better, I stopped having to "pretend" and my feelings for him have returned, things are much better now.

SootySweepandSue Thu 20-Oct-11 09:45:23

I think if you were both happy to have separate rooms that it may have been over at this point, even if both of you did not admit it to yourselves.

Do you think it you told him you would want to split that he would buck up his ideas? It is so hard though as men just seem to be in 2 camps; those that do housework/childcare and those that don't. I have no idea how to change it if it is the former. I think it's their in-built beliefs about family life playing out which is probably a result of their own childhood.

SansaLannister Thu 20-Oct-11 10:15:37

'It is so hard though as men just seem to be in 2 camps; those that do housework/childcare and those that don't. I have no idea how to change it if it is the former. I think it's their in-built beliefs about family life playing out which is probably a result of their own childhood.'

It's about respecting your partner/spouse, your new roles as parents and the family you created.

Doing housework/looking after things is part of life, not 'helping out'. Ditto childcare for a child you created.

And it is not up to to the OP to let him back in teh room, have more sex, be extra nice to him, etc.

What a crock of shit!

This person sees her as a domestic appliance with fuckholes, just as SGB put it.

Would you want to be nice to someone who treats you like shit?

PeppermintPumpkin Thu 20-Oct-11 10:18:39

Straight in SolidGold! No fence sitting! She's right I'm afraid. The worrying thing for me is when he says he's punishing you for the separate rooms-this is horrible, and controlling. Then comes the financial control-absolutely appalling behaviour from him re the tax credit.

You know, it's not so scary doing things on your own and just for yourself and your little one. Whether you want rid of him or not, I would ask him to leave or leave yourself-he won't change if things stay as they are, (and may never change at all of course), and anyway, you're effectively living as a single parent.

As for your last paragraph, of course this is not normal-my dp and all the other partners of women I know, have helped out massively. You must be bloody exhausted. The one bloke I do know who used to sit and read the paper etc etc because he needed "his own space" while his partner ran around doing everything just after giving birth now lives alone in a flat as his partner saw the light and chucked him out as he was a self entitled arse.

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:18:48

Erm, I think he is being childish BUT actually am going to go against everyone and say you have been completely unreasonable as well.

He didn't want to go in the spare room?! We all know what it is like to be exhausted with a new born but seriously.. You felt resentful when he slept or when he didn't. You say yourself you became a cow. Lack of sleep is the deal with having a baby. He WAS helping you. Why be a 'cow' and shove him in the spare room if he didn't want to?! He then goes along with that and then you tell him to get out of the house?!?!?! (for office) Come on! Sorry but you have been completely unreasonable to him as well. This is not all about you and your baby.

As far as the child TC goes, for AT LEAST 2 years (depending on what money you get) you really don't need it all for the baby. If he is handling all the bills I really don't understand why it isn't going to him actually. In that case you would still get your spending money and the money for shopping (which presumably you get nappies and food for the baby with too - so you use the CTC for what?)

Of course his reaction is not right, it is childish and shitty, but I would be a pretty hacked off partner if I was him too. You sound like a newmumzilla. Get the baby, feel sorry for yourself because it is hard, treat your partner like crap, then wonder why he turns into a shit as well... seriously?

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:21:12

BTW I do think money should be split equally. He should also get 40 a week (not including lunch money he will need and ferrying to and from office costs) and all else should be saved for hols and baby's future.

PeppermintPumpkin Thu 20-Oct-11 10:22:38

Crikey, I couldn't disagree more melted. I think she sounds so far from being a "newmumzilla" I can't tell you. He's a grown up not a child, and as for the money, what he's doing is controlling her, getting back at her. It's ridiculous to blame the OP, If what she says is correct.

LaLaLaLayla Thu 20-Oct-11 10:24:44

That 'I work outside the home so I should not be expected to work in the home bullshit' is just that, bullshit.

Not necessarily. I believe that if only one partner is working very hard and doing extended hours, then it is up to the one staying at home to keep things ticking over at home. When I was a SHAM I did everything because my DH worked 10 hours a day with a 90 min each way commute. Equally, when our DS was little, he stayed at home and did everything.

OP, you have admitted yourself that you do not love your DH anymore. I think that is the crux of the matter.

SansaLannister Thu 20-Oct-11 10:25:44

'As far as the child TC goes, for AT LEAST 2 years (depending on what money you get) you really don't need it all for the baby. If he is handling all the bills I really don't understand why it isn't going to him actually. In that case you would still get your spending money and the money for shopping (which presumably you get nappies and food for the baby with too - so you use the CTC for what?)'

It goes to the primary caregiver. When DD1 was born and DH was a SAHD, the WTC was paid to me and the CTC to him.

'Mumzilla'. I've heard it all now!

Jesus wept!

When DD1 was 2 months old, I went out to work FT and DH stayed home. I did not expect him to become my skivvy and wipe my arse just because I worked.

Everything I earned went into a joint account, same our tax credits and the child benefit.

There was no 'splitting money' or giving him a fucking allowance because we are a team, not flatmates nor was he a child in need of pocket money for looking after our child.

sandyballs Thu 20-Oct-11 10:26:04

I imagine he feels incredibly rejected, shoved in the spare room, shoved out the house to rent an office. I agree he should help more, he should be fairer with money etc but try and see this from his point of view for a few seconds.

Is the baby still in your room at 11 months? I'd get that sorted and see how it goes from there.

SansaLannister Thu 20-Oct-11 10:27:00

I worked 10 hours/day, too, whilst DH stayed at home. And guess what? If I'd have been single and working 10 hours/day, I'd have had to wash my own pants.

So I didn't expect him to become my skivvy just because I worked.

What a complete crock of shit.

SansaLannister Thu 20-Oct-11 10:28:30

It's not 'helping'! It's doing your fair share with regards to the family you chose to create.

As to the whole, poor me, I'm so rejected! Grow up!

It's a baby. It won't be forever. Things change when you have them.

Swings and roundabouts.

It's just a pity people don't realise they married an immature arse until it's too late.

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:29:19

I am not saying he is right Peppermint. I said he is being shitty. It could be described as controlling, but I would say trying to get control back. She has new baby, then demands he leaves his own bedroom and then his home. Who made her queen? She said he was being great before this. If he was doing his best and then she turned around and complained about everything, shoved him out of his bed into a spare and made him leave home (when he is providing for all of them), he is gonna feel completely put out and out of any control (while SHE is in it) Neither of them are right. They both sound twisted to me. Her behaviour is not acceptable either.

LaLaLaLayla Thu 20-Oct-11 10:32:50

Running a household is not being a 'skivvy', SansaLannister. That is very rude. My partner leaves the house at 6.30am. He arrives home at 7.45pm, eats dinner, reads with our DS, we put our DS to bed, watch about an hour of TV then go to bed ourselves. I am working full-time myself now, but I when I was a SAHM I wouldn't dream of asking him to do anything. When would he get the chance anyway?

LaLaLaLayla Thu 20-Oct-11 10:33:40

I agree a bit, meltedchocolate. It does sound like the OP has rejected him.

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:34:38

I don't thin anyone is excusing his behaviour now. I am just saying that I think she is a big problem too and taking the victim role is helping no one.

Also I agree that if someone is working full time the majority of housework should be taken on by them. This is splitting everything equally, and being a team. Sansa, you have been used and taken for a ride if you were providing for your H and doing all the housework while he sat at home pretty. What a joke!

meltedchocolate Thu 20-Oct-11 10:35:09

*on by the person at home rather

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