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Relationships

What would you do - Husband asked the Police to Section me last night

58 replies

ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:19

Hi

Quick resume - H left me last month for another woman - totally took me by surprise and every one else for that matter. I had a bad few weeks and coped ok according to my friends and family under circumstances.

We have DS 3 who has remained in contact with H at least 3 / 4 times a week and rings him twice a day.

H and I have had complete melt down on personal relationship, and he bullied me into corner last week for DS to go to his new home (done this twice now) meet new woman (which he did on Saturday) and sleep overs (starting in new year). I agreed all of the later (reluctantly, but will not go back on my word). This is as well as seeing DS on Tuesday and Thursday collecting from nursery, bringing back to his home, tea, play, bath & putting him to bed (while I stayed away). Taking him to nursery and getting ready on a Monday, and spending some time with him on a Saturday morning (I do not limit the time but he only spends 2 hours with him).

After agreeing to all of the above, he then insists that his new woman comes to DS birthday party in Dec. I stood my ground and said no - not this year. If she comes then I will cancel it. (it is paid for already).

He then said DS was not to meet family members if his new woman could not go, and rang his family to inform them of this. I said it was DS's family and I would continue contact. (both sides)

Last night he collected DS from nursery and came back to house, he was angry about some changes I had made around the house and garage and texted me. Then said I had lost the plot and was going to take DS back to his house for the night. I drove home as I was only 5 mins away, and blocked his car in.

I called the police, but they would not respond as it was a domestic. He rang them and said he was worried about the well being of DS and that I needed sectioning.

Police attended and could see that I was in control (angry and upset but calm) and said that we needed to sort it ourselves. He persisted to the point where DS was upset. I told the police I would move the car and he could take him as DS was being affected (not what I wanted but could see resolution). He then changed his mind and said I was being unreasonable - police told him I was not!!

He left saying he would not see his son again - not what I want, as I want him to have a father son relationship.

Have seen solicitor today and H and I are going to family relate tomorrow night. But the issue I have is that he keeps moving the goal posts.

I am not stopping access, but nor can I have him using DS when he does not like my actions or words.

I have said that I do not want any direct access unless it has anything to do with DS. That way I cannot respond to his words and actions.

Any advice?

Sorry for the saga

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MangoMonster · 19/10/2011 12:26

Sorry, dont have any useful advice. Just wanted to say, I think you are handling it all very well under the circumstances. You're ex sounds hideous. Hope you find a resolution.

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malinkey · 19/10/2011 12:29

It might be better if you could avoid having him in your house. And I'm not sure family relate is a good idea.

Sounds horrendous. What about speaking to Women's Aid for advice?

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:34

Sorry the last bit should read direct communication (not access) with me unless it involves DS.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 12:34

Another one here who thinks that family relate is unsuitable. Presumably you'll have to go to mediation in order to qualify for legal aid so I would just stick to that.

He sounds too difficult to reason with and frankly I wouldn't bother. You need to clarify exact times and dates for access and get it processed through your solicitor. Would using a contact centre be an option? It would cut down the nasty scenes your ds has been having to see.

Don't have any communication with him at all, instead, use e-mail and texts. And certainly don't let him in the house, do handovers on the doorstep. You live there now and you are entitled to your privacy and to feel safe in your own home no matter who is paying the mortgage.

The police can't section you, only a mental health professional can do that. And you don't get sectioned just because you won't do something your ex-husband demands that you do - thankfully.

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Booooooyhoo · 19/10/2011 12:35

what a bastard!!

was he this controlling when you were together? i cant believe he asked to have you sectioned just because he didn't like teh changes you made in your own home!!

i agree with malinkey, call womens aid. he is abusive.

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GypsyMoth · 19/10/2011 12:36

You need clear boundaries. You are split now

Clear access
He should not enter your home. At all

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countingto10 · 19/10/2011 12:37

Not much advice but suggest you get everything on a legal footing asap. FWIW, OW may be pulling his chain and winding him up (my DH told me this happened to him, telling him he should be doing this and should be doing that, her pushing for our DC to stay over with them etc).

I really feel for you, you are having to deal with the shock of everything and his appalling behaviour as well - DH told me after he left OW that she tried to persuade him to have me arrested for domestic abuse (not content with depriving the DC of their father, she wanted to deprive them of their mother as well). We now think she was probably angling for him to go for full custody (already told him she thought I couldn't cope mentally) and was looking at 5 bedroomed houses Hmm.

Try and take a step back - if he doesn't want to see his DS, that is his decision and nothing to do with you. My exH did this, tried to control me through our DS and as a consequence hasn't seen his DS for 12 years - he was a complete twunt too.

Good luck.

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:41

He said one of the reasons that he left was that I was so controlling, amongst other reasons!!

I have rang another mediation service called families talking who would draw up a memorandum of understanding, and then would issue an FM1 if it went to court.

Will see how it goes tomorrow and then maybe progress on Friday with the formal mediation if necessary.

It is so sad, as we are both intelligent people.

But I cannot allow it to affect DS.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 12:42

You said in your OP that you wouldn't go back on your word but it is ok to change your mind. You have the right to change your mind.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 12:45

He left because he had another woman. not because you were controlling, if that were the reason, he would have left earlier, it's just an excuse.

He sounds like a bullying controlling manipulative arsehole and if you go to family mediation with him tomorrow you will come off worse than him. He will lie and be sneaky and try to portray himself as all sweetness and light and you as the unreasonable one.

You need to take charge and control of the situation ASAP, if not, your gonna be dancing to his tune for a long long time.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 12:47

Why are you ring round mediation services? Tell him to fucking do it.

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izzywhizzysfritenite · 19/10/2011 12:49

Your H is a lying manipulative bullying twunt who seems to have railroaded you into agreeing to everything he wants.

He's been gone from the marital home for a mere matter of weeks but appears to believe that he can airbush you from his life and use your ds to play happy families with the OW, even to the extent of dictating to his family that ds cannot meet with them unless the OW is present.

Having had no compunction about walking out on you and ds, he got angry about some changes I had made around the house and garage. What does he expect you to do? Keep the marital home unchanged as a permanent shrine to him and lies?

If anyone should be sectioned, it isn't you.

Frankly, given last night's debacle and the adverse effect it inevitably has had on ds, I would be telling him that insofar ds's contact with the OW goes, all bets are off until he agrees to take account of ds's best interests.

What has your solicitor advised?

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buzzskeleton · 19/10/2011 12:49

Controlling people often project their own faults on others - it's like they know someone is abusive/controlling, but it can't possibly be them! Grin

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:51

NotSuch - you obviously know him from the description you gave :-)

I feel strong enough to hold my own tomorrow, or walk out if necessary. I will not allow him to back me into a corner. Both the police and my solicitor said I am being very reasonable over access.

I do not like his actions and he does not like mine - but we are not an item any more and we need to sort this mess out like sensible adults, to ensure that DS is not scar'd for life.

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steben · 19/10/2011 12:52

No advice just wanted to say sounds like you are doing right thing for you and your DS under difficult and horrendous circumstances - I would have totally lost it in your situation.

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:53

Izzy - My solicitor has advised mediation and try to keep it out of court.

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 12:54

Thanks Steben

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 12:56

I don't know him Toddlers - but I do know now that all abusive men are the same, they read from the same script.

What are you going to mediation for? What is it you can't agree on? money, house or kids?

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Nippysnippy · 19/10/2011 13:01

I think you have been more than reasonable and he is exploiting your good nature. The only way to effectively counter this is with every nasty effort on his part - he looses something.
I would serious think about a restraining order, tightening up the access and a handover through a mutual party.
Do not have a telephone conversation with him. Email or solicitors only.
Time to take charge of your life and demand some respect.
Actions speak louder than words.
Remember he doesn't behave decently.

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 13:02

Mediation is for access to DS - I think I am being reasonable, and he does not. And I want an agreement for medium term access, as once DS stays over, then I expect DS will spend longer with H, but see him less days.

I am ok when I do not see H, therefore I want longer but fewer access days after Christmas.

But H wants 7 day access but for short periods of time.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/10/2011 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 19/10/2011 13:06

Your ex just wants to be nosy and controlling, that's why he wants to see your ds for short periods every day. Was he this concerned and involved with him when he was living with you?

What's "medium term access"?

Standard access is every other week-end and one night in the week - sleeping over included.

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GypsyMoth · 19/10/2011 13:08

If he is abusive, then mediation will refuse to work with you

And mediation agreements aren't legally binding, so he can chop and change and mess you all around still

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Nippysnippy · 19/10/2011 13:09

Well he can go on wanting! He sounds really controlling. Do you think that some of his motivation may be centered around keeping track of you?
He has to accept that he no longer can call the shots and demand access whenever it is convenient for him. He forfeited that right when he left to shack up with O.W. He has to accept that there are real consequences and things don't carry on as normal.
Personally I would start off with modest access and build up from there when you know your son is comfortable around this woman and that he can be trusted with your child.

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ToddlersRFab · 19/10/2011 13:10

Stewie - I have forgotten her name, but can ring and get her name. She has logged it as an incident.

I will start logging everything - so much happens that you forget some of it, so I will start a log - thanks.

My solicitor has said that I must be careful about my responses, to ensure that he does not use anything later.

However I do not want any contact if possible, and he knows that.

He actually bought me flowers and a thank you card on Saturday after last weeks hideous out bursts. Needless to say they are in the bin.

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