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Can you fall back in love with your partner?

(11 Posts)
Flotsamflo Tue 18-Oct-11 22:23:28

I have been reading the threads on relationships hoping that my problem would come up. Was not sure if I started the threadwhether anyone would feel it worthy enough to answer (sorry its just the way i feel at mo!) But here goes:

Was married and divorced after 10 years - my ex-husband was a serial adulterer and it took all my resolve to finally get him out of my life.
When we divorced I had a DS and DD from the marriage who were 10 and 11 years. The pain was unbelievable - as I know many here have experienced.
I bought the children up as a single parent and with the support of family and friends built a new life.

When my DC were in their late teens I met my current partner and we have been together for 8 years. After 4 years together I fell pregnant (unplanned),
my DP did not want me to go ahead with the pregnancy but said it was obviously my decision. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and to be honest I felt truly blessed to be pregnant (I was 43 years old at the time). My DP did not take part in the pregnancy or attend any of the appointments, he was at the birth (his choice) and since DS arrival has been a fantastic Dad,

My little DS is now 3 years old and has totally enriched my life in ways that I can not believe. My DS and DD from my previous relationship (they are now young adults, but still live at home) adore him, little DS is very much loved.

Things in the relationship have not been that good in the last year and DP has been a bit withdrawn - when I have asked he has just said 'oh, the usual, no money I don't like my job' etc. DP is a very un emotional person, he hates talking about anything emotional including our relationship and consequently in the 8 years we have been together has never once intiated a conversation concerning us and our relationship. Finally, after me insisting that things were not right - he dropped the bombshell and told me that he no longer loved me. He said that his feelings were changing since I decided to continue with the pregnancy, he did not want a child at that time and felt that the decision had been taken out of his hands. I was absolutely devastated and had not seen it coming. My DP does not want us to split as he does not want to lose DS on a daily basis. My little DS idolizes his dad and they are so close and loving - just the thought of him being hurt by a split brings me to tears (crying now - just typing it). DP thinks that we should just carry on and that maybe (no guarantees) his feelings may change!

I feel in dejavu and back on the road to being a single parent again at 47 years with a 3 year old. All the fear and anxiety I felt from the divorce has all seemed to have resurfaced. Have spoken to my mum and sister about it and they feel that at the moment my and DP happiness is second to DS and that we should try and see if it can work.

My dearest wish would be that we could sort it out and remain as a family - I still love DP.

Me and DP in the last 2 months have done more talking about our relationship than we have in the last 8 years. We have made some changes on both sides and things have been better recently (early days - I know) despite all the other crap. We have just spent a great weekend as a family, I can not remember the last really good weekend we had before this.

Can you fall back in love with someone? Am I just delaying the inevitable?

Would love any advice or to hear from anyone with similar experience.

Thank you - sorry its so long!!!

MULLYPEEP Tue 18-Oct-11 22:40:38

No expert at all but would you consider relationship counselling to try and rebuild the trust further? One friend of mine is more in love with her partner than ever, 2 children and a huge bad patch down the line. I think his trust in you sounds a bit broken and if he is not one for talking about his feelings he may be struggling to deal with it? Sorry things are unsettled just now but I think you can repair this.

peasandlove Tue 18-Oct-11 22:41:12

I didnt want to read and run, someone with experience with this will hopefully add some advice soon, chin up x

Flotsamflo Tue 18-Oct-11 22:56:50

My DP finds it really hard to talk to me about our relationship (after 8 years together) so to talk to a stranger was a really hard move. But he agreed and we went to one session of relate - the counsellor felt that the relationship could be over but then was surprised when DP said thats not what he wants and that he wants to try and work it out for sake of DS. Counsellor then suggested more sessions but DP said that he doesn't think it helped or would help. I am more open minded and believe it could help.
Also thank you for replying, I feel at least there are others who care thank you again.

izzywhizzysfritenite Tue 18-Oct-11 22:59:12

Were you living together before you had ds? Is your dp older or younger than you?

And, of course, the inevitable question: do you suspect that there may an OW lurking somewhere?

Flotsamflo Tue 18-Oct-11 23:20:24

izzywhizzy - We were living together before we had DS - he moved into my house with me and DS and DD from previous marriage after we had been dating for a year. My DP is 10 years younger than me so he is now 37 - not exactly a youngster!!! I don't believe anyone else is involved - he rarely goes out but is also very aware of why my marriage broke up and the hurt I went through living with a serial adulterer.

FabbyChic Tue 18-Oct-11 23:46:54

I do believe he does feel love for you, just not passionately, if he did not he would not want to try so hard to save what you have.

I think you have to just bide your time and enjoy each other again, get to know each other, talk, spend time together alone. Rekindle what you once had, it is possible it could be better than ever.

Hang in there.

Flotsamflo Tue 18-Oct-11 23:58:30

Thank you for your advice FabbyChic - it was really positive. I am hoping that being together and begining with the changes that we have already made, will maybe help to make a difference. Would like to hear if anyone has fallen out and back in love with Partner/wife/husband.

My DD told me that she read a quote from a man talking about the success of his 40 year marriage. He said ' the secret was that you don't fall out of love with each other at the same time'

pickgo Wed 19-Oct-11 00:23:29

Imo it sounds as though your dp is trying to have his cake and eat it.
One the one hand he feels badly about you going ahead with the pg, on the other he wants to keep trying for the sake of your son.
I think he has unresolved feelings about your Ds that he can't (won't?) let go.

Whatever you do, don't start bending over backwards/walking on eggshells to 'make him fall back in love'. It won't work and will make your life a misery.

If I were you I'd work on facing your fears of being a lp again (which wouldn't be half as scary as you think - you've done it successfully already!) while still trying to stay open, honest and ready to recommit when he is. But basically this problem is in his court. He needs to decide what he wants.
Sorry I think there's an OW lurking somewhere.

izzywhizzysfritenite Wed 19-Oct-11 01:24:09

Some men feel pushed aside after pfb; some men don't view their partners in the same way after they have become 'mothers'.

Given that you were a mother, and that he had become accustomed to 'sharing' your attention with dc prior to the arrival of ds, it would seem that the above doesn't apply to him.

Your dp was 29 when you met him and it's possible that he didn't envisage making a lasting commitment to you. He told that you he didn't want a child and it's possible that, much as he loves his ds, he may have felt/still feels trapped and blames you.

Perhaps he's been speculating what turn his life may have taken if ds had not come along; of course when some go down this path they put on their optimistically rosy specs, envisaging themselves living a very different, more glamourous, life 'if only'...

It's a shame he wouldn't attend further joint counselling as his possibe conflicts may have been explored and resolved.

As Fabby has said, if he has feelings for you it may be possible for them to be fanned into flames.. However, given what you have said about his emotional nature, I believe that you may find that the best way to regain his interest is to act on pickgo's advice and prepare yourself for a return to single parenthood.

It may be that if you spend time out of the house cultivating/catching up with friends and/or becoming enthused by a particular pursuit/hobby, he will move closer towards you.

I woudn't go down the road of, as pickgo's said, bending over backwards, walking on eggshells, or otherwise knocking yourself out in the hope of rekindling his interest as, apart from any other consderation, you will feel a prize chump if it transpires that there is an OW.

FTR, we may well know about any heartache suffered by our partners in the relationship they had pre 'us but that doesn't necessarily mean we won't '
hurt them in the same way as their exes did.

Thzumbazombiewitch Wed 19-Oct-11 01:41:17

I think some people have an unrealistic expectation of being able to stay "in love" forever - the romantic ideal. I think most people settle into a comfortable working partnership where they still love each other but that initial flush of being "in love" disappears. I'm pretty sure this is normal.

I do know it is possible to fall back in love with someone - a friend of mine was with her partner for 6m, he did something that upset her, they split; they stayed "friends" but she said she had no passionate feelings for him and the thought of being more than friends repulsed her. But, after a few interim relationships (on both sides), she realised that he really did mean enough to her and they got back together. They have now been married for several years and have a DS who is 8. So it IS possible - but it's hard if things stay as they are. You need a new perspective, a new situation of some kind to allow things to change if they're going to.
In my friend's case, it was her now DH saying that he needed to let go of the friendship because it was hurting him - it made her realise that she didn't want to lose him and things went from there. However - you cannot use that as a "game manoeuvre" - if you say to him that it's hurting you too much and you want to split, you have to mean it. And do it.

I actually think Pickgo's advice is good - prepare for life as a single parent again. You've done it before, you know you can do it again - showing that you don't need him to be around (without being snarky about it) will make it his choice entirely whether he stays or goes. You were a single parent when you met him, if you were again, he might remember why he fell in love with you in the first place.

Good luck - it's a horrible position to be in and I hope it works out well for you.

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