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No good together, yet can't be apart

(11 Posts)
NeedABrew Tue 18-Oct-11 12:12:40

Has anyone been here? I've always though that whole can't be with each other, can't live without each other was rot. I thought if you love someone, that's all that matters, you're together, that's the end of that. Yet have found myself in such a position.

Does anyone have experience of such relationships, and how did it pan out?

bejeezus Tue 18-Oct-11 12:20:58

yep! I used to think that love conquers all. But really love is not enough.

EA situation here so probably not really relevant

BertieBotts Tue 18-Oct-11 12:24:27

No, unfortunately that "love is enough" thing is a big fat myth sad

You'd probably find some interesting reading on this site: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

(This article might be particularly interesting?)

I've been with someone like this, kept going back even though I knew he was bad for me, etc. I used to say he was addictive - and he was! In the end I realised the bad times were outweighing the good, so I ended it, but it was really hard to do, and I did end up going back for one more time before I cut him out for good (while I was with someone else blush - learned from that not to get into a new relationship if not over your ex!)

It took me a long time to get over that relationship, even when I thought I was over it, I was so vulnerable at that point that I got into a relationship with someone who was really unhealthy, who was actually controlling and emotionally abusive. The addictive ex might have hurt me emotionally, but he was always honest and upfront about what I could expect from him, and he never used mind games to keep me from leaving. I still think of him fondly, even though I know if I met him for the first time now, I'd probably think "What a loser!", and if someone told me their boyfriend was behaving how he did to me, I'd be shocked.

If you know they are unhealthy for you, it never ends well. If you have children involved, you really seriously need to break the cycle asap. If it's just you, then it's your choice, but you probably will end up getting hurt... so it's whether you want to hang on until that happens, or keep the good memories, but then have that feeling of wondering whether it could have worked. (It never ever would have worked, FYI, but unless you do some serious work on yourself you probably won't really deep down believe that.)

screamingbohemian Tue 18-Oct-11 12:25:46

If you can't be with each other, you can't be with each other

That's it. Anything else is rationalising away a bad decision.

I have been madly in love with men in the past, thought I couldn't live without them -- it's all rubbish. Luckily things didn't work out and eventually I met DH, who I can love AND live with.

Why would you settle for anything less?

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 12:28:16

I think it is rot

Nobody has a gun to your head

if you are wrong together, then all you have is lust

you can find lust with any number of other people

it's getting into the "only one soulmate star crossed lovers" bullshit territory isn't it ?

if that were true what if my one soulmate lived in bloody Timbuktoo or summat ?

I know for a fact there are probably many, many blokes I could be happy with, if it didn't work out with DH

if you can't be together, despite repeated attempts (or because there is something else...an existing relationship ?) in the way then it isn't to be

the mature response to that is to remove the obstacles (ethically) or accept the relationship is not ever going to work and move on

NeedABrew Tue 18-Oct-11 12:35:20

Sometimes you just need a jolt back to reality. This board is truly wonderful.

Thank you

mumsamilitant Tue 18-Oct-11 12:41:49

Years of upset and frustration is how it will turn out. Time to get off the merry-go-round smile

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 12:50:32

bad decisions are just that

there is no excuse for them... "but he is my soulmate" does not wash, I am afraid

we have all tried to hoodwink ourselves with rationalisations and justifications that you know deep down is just buck-passing

it's just a matter of time before the truth comes home to roost though...in the meantime you waste good time

time better spent getting your life in order, IMO

LittleHouseofHorror Tue 18-Oct-11 13:33:57

Can't live with him... but could you live nearby and see him often instead? I really like the "Living apart together" idea as modelled by Frido Kahlo and Diego Riviero et al.

Or is he just no good for you?

mumsamilitant Tue 18-Oct-11 14:58:18

Yes LittleHouseofHorror. I do the living apart together thing and it works for me (together on average 3/4 nights a week). Have no intentions of living with DP until we eventually get a larger house "together" as opposed to move in with either of the other. Also waiting till our kids are off our hands. Much simpler.

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles Tue 18-Oct-11 20:50:04

I tried "living apart together" for the past 6 months, but it didn't help. Decided to try a period of 'proper' separation, so I asked H to leave the w/e before last so that I could come home again. I moved back home last w/e, but it feels so wrong without him. I haven't had any contact since Saturday and I'm so miserable sad

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