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What the hell do I do for the best

(58 Posts)
Kerb252318 Tue 18-Oct-11 08:07:22

basically it's a long story. Had DD with partner in jan he was never mad on having kids but after I got pregnant he slowly came round and seemed to become excited. When she was born it was a shock as all babies Are but she screamed and cried all the time wouldnt sleep. It was terrible we tried everything I even took her to a &e once as was so worried. Instead of being supportive and helpful he was angry and swearing all the time. He couldn't do much as I was breastfeeding so I did all the nights he slept in spare room and slept. At 8 weeks which was about the worst with the crying one night he said wish you would both f##k off. So I did crying all the way went to stay with my parents in Bournemouth. Think I was close to having PND but spent two weeks there and they were amazing. since then go down once a month for a weeks visit which I love easy daddy gets a break!!

This has basically been the pattern for the last ten months. Don't get me wrong he is great with her when she is good an loves to play with her but never wanted the crap such as feeding night duties early morning. I used to hear him moaning and swearing up stairs in bed when she was crying or making noise downstairs. In the early days I would never have left her with him as I didnt trust him. This is not the case now but he still rarely has her alone. There are so many incidents where I have had no support or he has lost his cool but I can't possibly go on about them all.

His nature is miserable and moody always has been but he has a loverly charming streak. So many people say you DP is so laid back!!

He spends most of his time moaning about what a nightmare she is and how loud etc. As you can imagine due to the last ten months my feelings have changed about him I no longer respect or love him. It's been a tough few months and everybody agrees she has been a tough tough baby but she is loverly and my world and she is getting so much better now she is starting to move

He went to amsterdam this weekend on a boys weekend when he got back last night old him I had enough wanted to split. He was shocked and gutted. If I moved out which I would as he put down all money on the house and pays mot gage I would have to move to Bournemouth 180 miles away taking his daughter. If my parents lived around corner would have gone ages ago. What shall I do!? Now I feel guilty. If I leave I have to give up my nice house and all my friends and life here. I'm lucky I have that in Bournemouth to but even so. Then there are his parents who would be gutted as she is there only long awaited grandchild.

He told me in an argument a while back I would never blackmail him into having more kids!! I would like another but I don't see how I could with him as I basically feel like a single parent and I certainly couldn't manage two. So we don't have a future do we.... Feel sick!

KreepyInMind Tue 18-Oct-11 08:23:52

How old are you both?

vixsatis Tue 18-Oct-11 08:23:58

I think that you know what the answer is. Making the move is scary but things will only get worse if you stay

abendbrot Tue 18-Oct-11 08:33:17

If you want to stay near friends, check out the local housing allowance in that area. You will get your rent paid by benefit and if you joint own the house he would have to sell it within 6 months.

Do some sums - contact Gingerbread [] they are brilliant.

You can have what you want, and he doesn't seem to want his own daughter very much so you may as well go and leave a space in your life for someone who does!

There are also some websites for single parents who want to houseshare - that could be a temporary option.

abendbrot Tue 18-Oct-11 08:33:31

flatbellyfella Tue 18-Oct-11 08:55:09

Do your parents know of his bad behaviour towards you & your darling daughter? I am sure that if you head back to Bournmouth they will never abandon you and will stand by you through this bad time. Partner has a lot of growing up to do. <big hug>

tallwivghoulies Tue 18-Oct-11 09:09:30

Kerb, you owe this man nothing.

Blackmail indeed! 180 miles isn't the other side of the world - your dd will still be able to see her dad and gps (giving you the chance to galivant off and catch up with your friends).

My mum was very much a part of dd's life (she moved from Bournemouth to be with us!) - it was wonderful to have her support, it gave her a new lease of life and dd has lovely memories of her.

abendbrot Tue 18-Oct-11 09:15:15

(OP said she didn't want to move away from where her friends are.)

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 09:15:22

Just move away

You are effectively a single parent, and tbh, I don't know how you are able to stomach the way he treats your precious dd

don't stay around for her to grow up thinking that she was never wanted...that will give her a fucking awful legacy for her future relationships

you do what you need to do...if moving away is what you need to do so you get some support...then do it, do it, do it

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 18-Oct-11 09:52:52

Sounds very much how my exh was. And he got worse the longer I stayed and tried to make it work. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did, it's not always easy but we are so much happier now.

Rollon2012 Tue 18-Oct-11 09:57:26

Like AnyFucker said

you're basically a SP now , actually you're having a worse time than a SP

unsupportive intolerant dads/partners create much more stress work than a baby

I often see many women on here who would be far happier single, and dont feel guilty OP he doesn't seem like much of a dad anyway tbh.

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 09:59:14

he is a shit father

Kerb252318 Tue 18-Oct-11 10:01:04

Yeah you are right. I'm 33 by the way he is 38. Your right it's not that far away. Parents have been amazing. They do know what he's like by only very recently... I certainly havent gone into all details. Just embarrassing. My mum thinks his very selfish and needs to grow up but they are staying out of it to a degree and are always pleasant to him.

His mum knows what he is like but they no nothing of all the details. He is the golden child and can do little wrong his other two brothers are a nightmare!!! Must be a family thing . His dad is a Pratt to but his mum is loverly and worships DD.

So last night when I had to change her nappy at 1 am he got up and at 6 am this morning when she awoke. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!! Now he just walking around feeling sorry for himself. he asked what he can do to change things and apart from turn the clock back very little.

My fault for being too nice I should have told him where to go or this is not acceptable ages ago

pictish Tue 18-Oct-11 10:01:09

Much sympathy to you OP, he sounds horrid...intolerant, selfish and deserve so much better and so does your little girl.
Good luck - I think you should just pack up today and GO.

PeppermintPumpkin Tue 18-Oct-11 10:01:39

He sounds bloody dreadful. What a horrible git. Conserve your energy for you and your baby girl, don't waste it on this loser.

pictish Tue 18-Oct-11 10:05:31

Too little too late isn't it?

He may well make a show of getting up with her right now, but given what you have written about him, I would guess he will go back to being the entitled, self important rude shit that you have come to know....

If he is serious about keeping you and your little girl in his life, and making positive changes for the better, he will take steps to sorting out his anger problems....rather than mooning about feeling sorry for himself as you describe.

There is nothing more inappropriate in a badly behaved person than self fucking pity.

Kerb252318 Tue 18-Oct-11 10:07:28

Am lucky have friends in both towns so could live in either I can always visit friends in birmngham. It's DD that I have to think of first.

pictish Tue 18-Oct-11 10:13:38

Yes it is. Why bring her up around some ogre that cannot be arsed with her, and cares only for himself?
She should know that she and her mother deserve nothing less than to be cherished and adored, and anything less than that is unacceptable.

Leave him to it OP. He can have all the peace and quiet and undisturbed sleep he wants eh?

abendbrot Tue 18-Oct-11 10:19:50

If you have friends in both areas, just go home to yr family.

Don't get drawn in to sudden 'good behaviour'. Draw the line now. If he's sad, just say 'you'll be fine' 'you'll be OK'. Not because he deserves any reassurance, but it will enable you to shake off any feelings of guilt that he is trying to stick onto you.

I wish I did the same when mine were little.

Kerb252318 Tue 18-Oct-11 10:20:33

Thanks Pictish your right that's exactly it self pity in a badly behaved person is the worst. It's beyond sad . Of course he will change.....for a while. But he is what he is and it will go back it always does. Can't keep up act forever
Looks like I have plenty to sort

pictish Tue 18-Oct-11 10:28:12

Good luck to you OP. You will be doing both yourself, and your little daughter the greatest favour of your lives.
Don't settle for a man that makes you both feel like a blot on his landscape, then has the audacity to feel sorry for himself when you dare to protest. He is not the one being hard done by here....what a self absorbed manchild he is.

'Oh poor poor partner and child won't tolerate my verbal abuse and hoo hoo'

What the fuck planet?!

Off you go OP, and enjoy your daughter and the rest of your life, in a peaceful and loving environment entirely of your own creation. Hooray! xxx

PetiteRaleuse Tue 18-Oct-11 10:31:57

Oh you poor thing. For your own sanity and your daughter's mental wellbeing (because at some point she will notice what a twat he is) it really is best to remove yourself from the situation. He sounds awful.

It's hard to leave someone who can be so charming though isn't it? I've been there and done that, though not with a child so it must be even harder for you.

You can do it though, you know that don't you. Go to your parents for a short while so you can think in peace, surrounded by supportive people, and then you can decide where you wnat to be.

Heavensmells Tue 18-Oct-11 10:38:25

Well done to you, sounds like you are a good strong person and have your priorities right.

You have to think in the long term. In the not too distant future your DD will notice his attitude towards her and it will have quite a negative effect on her.

Good luck to you and with the journey you are about to make.

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 10:43:35

too little too late

I expect you gave him plenty of chances to man up...probably far too many

don't let a couple of nappy changes, a few crocodile tears and a sad ole "poor me" demeanour sway you

he is a shit father and a shit partner, and you and dd don't need this shit

FunnyHaHaPeculiar Tue 18-Oct-11 11:12:09

do you want to make a go of it, or has it gone past that stage? If you do, and he is trying to change and you believe he is, maybe you can both work it out. If you dont, then you have to do what you have to do although it will be hard on all of you to live so far apart from each other

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