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This can't go on long term, can it?

(71 Posts)
PainInTheThroat Tue 18-Oct-11 07:58:51

I've been with DP for around a year and a bit. Originally we had plans to eventually move in together etc but now he's decided that he doesn't want to do that as it wouldn't be fair on his DCs so he wants us to stay as we are for the next 10-15 years or so. I find this rather ridiculous to be honest, we only see each other once or (rarely) twice a week and only communicate via text in between that time. We can never go on days out together as he doesn't want to involve the kids in our relationship so on the weekends when the kids are not with their NRP, we can't see each other. It's stupid, we're both sat around saturday/sunday wishing we had something to do when the obvious thing would be to go out together or visit one another but we can never do that.
Same with Christmas, I won't see him at all over christmas as the kids are off school. Summer holidays was the same. We're both going on separate holidays abroad etc etc and whilst this would all be ok in anew relationship - I just can't imagine carrying this on for the next 10-15 years. It's stupid. I want to be with someone who I can call up (or who calls me!) on a weekend so we can go out for a drive - someone who I can wake up with on Christmas morning and someone who I can sit going through the holiday brochures with before deciding where to go TOGETHER.
I have spoken to DP and voiced my concerns and his opinion is that everything is fine and he doesn't want anything to change. He certainly doesn't want to end things and thinks I'm being a little idealistic in what I want from a relationship. Am I??
He keeps saying stuff like "ooo just think, it 15 years that will be us sat on that beach in Thailand". hmm In 15 years I'll be 45 and he'll be 53. I want to live a little BEFORE I get to that age.

It isn't a lot to ask is it? or am I being idealistic?

nickschick Tue 18-Oct-11 08:03:31

It is odd.

Dunno about how you can change it but if you love him then 45 isnt sooooo old smile, actually its a bit ridiculous - you are 30!! you deserve a life - get yourself one immediately wink and see how he fits in.

His approach is vv odd though.

hairylights Tue 18-Oct-11 08:05:11

Honestly you sound like your ideas of a relationship are so very different that you don't sound compatible.

He's keeping you at arms length. You see each other twice a week and only text in between? You've not met each others kids? And you want to move in!with him? Crazy idea. You would need to spend a lot more time with each other, and each others families before even thinking about it.

Grumpla Tue 18-Oct-11 08:05:37

So, fifteen years of being his fuckbuddy, putting your own life on hold, presumably never having kids, and THEN he might deign to take you on holiday?

Er... Am I missing something crucial here?

PainInTheThroat Tue 18-Oct-11 08:13:12

See that's the thing, I'm getting bored of him. I do have my own friends and hobbies and it's getting to the point where I'd just rather go out with friends on a weekend, even when it's "his" weekend because at least I'm not expected to shag them afterwards! It's just all so pointless. There is no way we're both going to stay loyal in a relationship like this for 15 years so what's the point?
But when I speak to him about it he makes it sounds like I have rose tinted specs on about what a normal relationship is like. I don't! I know even in a normal relationship we'll argue, get pissed off at each other, question things - but at least it will be happening there and then and not put off for 15 years!
We have met each others kids a few times - by accident usually but he won't commit to days out with them etc as he says it isn't fair on them. I wouldn't mind but they're all over the age of 10 so not exactly delicate toddlers.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 18-Oct-11 08:13:45

Well, he's right if he thinks that would suit some people. But you certainly aren't odd because it doesn't suit you. It really doesn't sound as if this relationship has legs, however nice both of you are and however well you get on when you meet.

MidnightHag Tue 18-Oct-11 08:22:25

Your expectations of a relationship are definitely not too high. Start looking for someone who wants to share your life.

Shodan Tue 18-Oct-11 08:31:19

What he wants is fine for him, but it's not what you want and it's not unrealistic to have that.

It sounds like this relationship has reached its natural end, tbh. Kick him to the curb and live your own life- there'll be someone else for you.

Shodan Tue 18-Oct-11 08:34:41

Kerb. Not curb.

I think.

WaitingForMe Tue 18-Oct-11 09:08:53

It's not enough for you therefore it's not good enough. A relationship is about both sets of views being taken into consideration.

LydiaWickham Tue 18-Oct-11 09:17:05

Do you have DCs of your own? If not, do you want DCs?

Basically, he doesn't want a grown up relationship, he wants someone to shag when he doesn't have anything better to do, and then keep you hanging around so that you can be someone he can share his retirement with.

End it, date someone who even if he does have other commitments, at least makes you feel he wants to be with you when he's dealing with those other commitments.

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 09:18:26

Oh get rid of him

he wants a fuckbuddy on tap, and you want more

Find someone else who wants to make some proper memories with you, not just a few texts and the odd shag

fgs...why would you settle for that (unless it was what you wnated too)

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 18-Oct-11 09:25:44

Sounds like it's over.

Just get on with the formalities and have fun with your friends.

bellsring Tue 18-Oct-11 09:27:52

10 - 15 years time? Do you want to carry on like this for the next 0 - 15 years? What photos will you put in your album?

If this 'ideology' (lifestyle to suit him) doesn't fulfil your needs, then move on now and don't waste more time being available once a week for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 18-Oct-11 09:28:07


What have you got from and out of this so called relationship?.

This is not working and will never work out. Why would anyone want to settle for this?.

BiscuitNibbler Tue 18-Oct-11 09:28:42

You aren't this man's DP. You aren't even his friend. He's using you.

He wants to wait until his children are at least 25 before you can go on holiday together? hmm

He is leading you a merry dance, and I would lay money that he has other women on the go too.

larrygrylls Tue 18-Oct-11 09:29:18

Sounds like he is still married and living with his wife.

wannaBe Tue 18-Oct-11 09:30:16

is he actually divorced from his ex?

Because all this not having a relationship with the kids/not being fair on the kids sounds a bit too much like they don't actually know you're a part of the equasion and would leave me wondering whether he actually is separated from their mother.

Either way I would get rid pronto.

AnyPhantomFucker Tue 18-Oct-11 09:30:59

why do women question themselves about this kinda stuff ? confused

just dump him, and move on...this ain't working for you

PooseGimples Tue 18-Oct-11 09:39:44

If you were your friend, what advice would you give yourself?

Tell him to get on his bike. Inconsiderate pest.

ShroudOfHamsters Tue 18-Oct-11 09:43:20

Yes, it is absolutely and utterly pointless. And you're bored of him anyway. I'm not surprised. Goodness, just move on!!

MortaIWombat Tue 18-Oct-11 09:46:05


What larry said.

PenguinsAreThePoint Tue 18-Oct-11 09:55:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll Tue 18-Oct-11 10:01:02

I second what everyone else has said, - this isn't making you happy, so it doesn't really matter whether he thinks you're being 'rose-tinted' or not.

The kindest construction I can put on his actions is that he has at least been upfront and honest about what he wants, - a r/ship with a girlfriend that stays ruthlessly separate from the main body of his life, and fits in when it suits him. He clearly has no desire to involve you any further than you already are. Whether or not this will change when his chldren are older is open to speculation. Some people might find this arrangement suited them; you clearly don't.

The unkindest construction is that he sees you as nothing more than convenient to his needs, and has no intention of ever involving anyone further in his life. Possibly he is also seeing someone else.

Either way, the situation isn't enough for you, and you and NOT being unreasonable in not being staisfied with the crumbs of a r/ship that this man offers you.

Ephiny Tue 18-Oct-11 10:07:22

Surely there can be some middle ground between moving in together and living as a blended family, and the current situation of communicating mostly by text! Why can't you talk on the phone? Why can't you see each other at the weekends, or spend Christmas together, or go on holiday together - you don't have to live in the same house to do any of those things?

I can understand him being cautious about moving in, and being considerate of his children's feelings - but seems a bit odd that you're not allowed to really see them at all, and no plans for that to change for the next 10-15 years! That doesn't sound normal and as others have suggested would make me a bit suspicious about what's really going on. Do the children live with him full-time? Where is their mother?

Either way, doesn't sound like much of a relationship, and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to hang around for 15 years of this. You're only young, and there will be plenty of good men out there who want to have a proper relationship with you, who actually want to spend time with you and share their life with you.

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