Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is my dp an insesitive prick or am i too sensitive

(21 Posts)
endofmybloodytether Mon 17-Oct-11 10:09:01

Dp and me been together 4 years.
I have a ss lives with us f/t, and my own 6 year old who has some medical issues and needs.

We live in Fmh, which I didn't want to do, but financially we had little choice.

Dp and I have started trying for a baby. This is a big thing for me, as exp left shortly after my dds first birthday, due to him not coping well with dds issues or my subsequent pnd.

I'm on a supplement which is meant to help to prevent the next babvy having problems. It makes me feel sick and its not good.

Part of me wants to get pregnant, part doesn't because I'm petrified over what happened with dd, so my emotions are all over the place.

During a row with dp yesterday it came up. Dp informed me that no one doubts I went through the mire with dd, but I don't need to keep harping on about it, and being negative. He said if I panic and work myself up I'll probably end up causing it to happen again.

I was gobsmacked. Considering I've spent years blaming myself over dd I don't think he could have made a lower remark.

Huge row followed, but he refused to apologise, telling me I'd got the wrong end of what he meant. I don't think I did at all.

It ended up in another row where I was told my going on was rather irritating and I was being a cunt.

Maybe he didn't mean it how it came out (I hope not) and maybe I did take it wrong, but ffs, who says that in the first place?

If I do have another baby with problems what then? Will it be chucked in my face that its my fault as I got worked up?

Im$ shocked at his refusal to apologise for something that clearly hit a very sensitive spot as well.

endofmybloodytether Mon 17-Oct-11 10:16:46

Sorry about spelling. On a small phone.

cestlavielife Mon 17-Oct-11 10:21:33

sorri but you need to rethink having a baby with this P.
while you can maybe hopefully rpevent the same issues with the supplements, there is no guarantee about any baby.
you cannot 100 per cent guarantee a baby with no issues at all and you have to decide what you would do if it does have any issues. eg give up for adoption or??

if neither you nor P could cope then dont even try.

MadameWooOOoovary Mon 17-Oct-11 10:21:37

You sound incredibly stressed. My first thought is "Why are you trying for a baby?" with such a knob
I would try and deal with the obvious issues first.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots Mon 17-Oct-11 10:24:48

What is Fmh?

He sounds awful. Rule 1 of relationships - if someone calls you a cunt, under any circumstances - they don't have enough respect for you to care for you properly.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 17-Oct-11 10:25:37

He called you a cunt.

Why would you stay with such a man?

endofmybloodytether Mon 17-Oct-11 10:43:06

It was quite heated. Its not right but it was a big row.

He's always been great with my dd and her issues, and very understanding over it all. That's why it was such a shock.

The supplement makes me feel sick most of the day and it feels like morning sickness, so I think I'm pregnant, then I'm not and there's a whole mix of emotions.

I don't think it was ever going to be an easy decision or me to try again, but I want another baby. That just can't cancel out the memory of how it was with my first (and only) child.

I would cope if it wasn't healthy, just like I did (alone) with dd.

I'm just utterly shocked he said it and has tried to justify it tbh.

bellsring Mon 17-Oct-11 10:45:51

Fmh - what is this?
Really don't like your partner using 'if you behave like that, then your next baby may have medical issues? And I detest men using the word 'cunt'.

Is this out of character for him? (I think you said you are already having problems?).

PaigeThumbScrewTurner Mon 17-Oct-11 10:48:40

He was totally wrong to call you a cunt and also to say you'll "probably end up causing it again". He's been insensitive. But there is something to be said for thinking positively, and not worrying about things until they happen - maybe this is what he actually meant, and it came out wrong.

I'd have a long, hard think about whether I wanted a baby with him though.

PhilipJFry Mon 17-Oct-11 10:48:45

That is a sick thing to say. Absolutely fucking repulsive. I could never forgive someone saying that to me and insinuating that I would be the cause of my child's ill health. He sounds like an ass and I bet he knew exactly what he was saying. It's so wrong that he's trying to minimise what you went through with your daughter and linking your stress with the possibility of another sick child as a way to keep you quiet about it.

You are not a cunt. You are right to be upset.

endofmybloodytether Mon 17-Oct-11 10:51:51

Fmh, former marital home. He kept it in a divorce.

No we're not having problems usually. I expect my worrying is tiresome, but I think its natural for a person who's already had a special needs baby to worry when they try again.

Not so fussed over what he called me, its more how he's spent years telling me not to blame myself for my dd, then says that!

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 17-Oct-11 10:53:39

He sounds fucking horrible

Katisha Mon 17-Oct-11 10:53:54

Well if its out of character I would let it go. Hopefully just a heat of the moment thing.
It's probably quite hard for him having to constantly try to reassure you to no avail.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 17-Oct-11 10:58:59

You're not fussed about what he called you?

What's your limit for unacceptable bahaviour, then?

bellsring Mon 17-Oct-11 10:59:41

I am very sensitive about about a person using the other's worries/weaknesses/ anxieties against them as I was with a bully, and this is exactly a small part of what he would do, but on a larger scale.

You say it was a very heated argument, and people say hurtful things to those they love (we always hurt the ones we love, the ones we shouldn't hurt at all - as the SONG goes), but he is an insensitive pig with a dirty mouth.

Malificence Mon 17-Oct-11 11:15:00

If he can fail so spectacularly at the first hurdle, then quite honestly he isn't he kind of man you need, i.e. a supportive one.
A man who calls a woman a cunt isn't any kind of decent man imo - it's completely unacceptable on every level.

"Insensitive" doesn't even begin to describe him.

OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt Mon 17-Oct-11 11:18:53

I was being a cunt.

i would have been out the door there and then

as for having a baby with him, with a foul mouth like that? no thanks. I am fussy about people who I parent with

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 17-Oct-11 11:31:12

It seems inadvisable to have a baby with someone who appears to have undergone a sympathy bypass

NettleTea Mon 17-Oct-11 12:52:17

do you think he was referring to the medical condition, or was he talking about your exp leaving when he talked about causing it to happen again. I think you need to find out.
BUT saying that, if he cant deal with you being groggy due to medication, and support you through what is a difficult time, then I might be questioning trying to have a baby with him

MadameWooOOoovary Mon 17-Oct-11 13:24:54

Example of my Ex when I was worrying about my mammogram
"I'm not going to tell you it'll be all right, in case it isn't"
Example of my Ex when I was trying to tell him that my changing AD's was having some side-effects:
"You didn't pick a very good time to do it, did you?"
Example of my Ex when I expressed reservations about his then 8y/o DD being at the birth of my DD:
"You're creating a problem where one doesn't exist"

Sympathy bypass, empathy bypass, humanity bypass. And that was the mild stuff. My point is, is there anything that you are letting slide because you need his support?

izzywhizzysfritenite Mon 17-Oct-11 14:32:23

He said if I panic and work myself up I'll probably end up causing it to happen again

I'd be asking him how he expects you to get over that statement. I doubt that it can be done easily because his words imply that you've caused your dd's problems and that you'll do the same again with a future pg, and what he's said will therefore inevitably haunt you for a very long time.

If I do have another baby with problems what then? Will it be chucked in my face that its my fault as I got worked up? From what he said yesterday, you can count on it.

As for calling you a cunt, that is despicable and I'm surprised you didn't put your coat on and leave the house as soon as he used that word to describe you.

Is the fmh in your joint names? If not, and if you have no plans to marry this arsehole man, you will be on thin ice if he decides he doesn't want to live with a 'cunt' any longer.

Needlesss to say, you would be ill-advised to contemplate becoming pregnant by him before you have ensured your financial interest in the fmh either by being added to the mortage/deeds or by marriage, but if I were you I'd be looking to leave asap.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now