My little lost one

[PinkSchmoo]

I had a first trimester miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago and mark today as my first babies birthday. I never knew if it was a boy or girl but I believe he was a boy. I don't want to post on the mis boards as I've been so lucky since and it would feel crass to post there. I am so far from being over my loss and I miss him so much. I tried to bury the grief but I don't want to do it anymore, I'm letting it out to try to stop it becoming a hard kernel of pain at the core of my being. He deserves a better legacy than that.

I just love and miss that darling wee one so much. No one else thinks of him and I wanted someone in the world to know that today was his third birthday.

[CheerfulSingsOut]

Oh dear one, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. Huge un-mumsnetty hugs to you sweetheart...

[piprabbit]

Oh Pink , of course you still miss him and want to mark his birthday.

I have charms on my charm bracelet for all my babies, those I lost and those who are here. I think of them often.

We all find our own ways of remembering.

I'll light a candle for your baby and let it burn a little before I go to bed.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Do you have any other children since? I find October a bit challenging as my best mate's son has his birthday and we were pg at the same time, so I can't help remember that my first would have been 5 this month too - but I have my darling DS who was 3 in September and I'm 100% sure that if I had not lost the first one I wouldn't have had DS. I'm happy to have my lovely son and can make peace with the first baby not staying around in order to make way for DS to be born.
I hope you get to a point where you can make peace with it, I understand completely.

[onwardandupwards]

thinking of you and your darling baby, i wll also light a candle for your baby and place it next to the candle i have lit for my nephew who would of been 2 today.xx

[PinkSchmoo]

Thank you all so much.

I do need to find a way to remember. I've tried to push the grief down and it doesn't work.

I've been lucky enough to have two DCs since I lost him.

[roadkillbunny]

I lost a baby early second trimester four and a half years ago, we gave him a name and I think of him everyday. My dd was just about to turn 2 at the time and since we have had a ds, both children know about their lost sibling and are free to talk about him, I had only bought one thing for him when we lost him, a large teddy bear, I still sometimes sit and just hold that bear , I slept with it for a year afterwards and now take joy in having it about the house and seeing the children play with it.
The grief never goes away but I have found ways to cope, even smile at the memory of my little lost one but when ever I see a cherry tree in bloom the tears come.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone to carry this kind of grief with you, be kind to yourself and find a way, however small to allow yourself to express your grief x