Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't want to be married anymore - unhappy, but scared(18 Posts)
I can't believe I am posting on here, when there are other posts where I so genuinely feel sad for people, but I have no-one to talk to about how bad everything is.
Let me qualify that. I have friends, but live in a small village where everyone knows everything and my friends are married to my DH's friends. My old school friends are in contact, but all live some distance away and we don't see each other often.
My background: With DH for 22 years, married for 18, got married when I was 22. We have 2DC aged 11/8. We waited to have DC as we 'wanted a life' first - so had nice hols, nights out etc. But there was a lot of physical / mental abuse during that time (due to his excessive drinking), including a broken wrist once, and forced sex.
When we moved to where we are now 14 years ago and had the DCs, things did improve. But for the last 3-4 years I have just lost interest - I don't want sex (as I just don't enjoy it), we have had huge money problems (he is self employed, I have a very good job and earn good £'s) and we just argue constantly. He still drinks, but not excessively - he goes out early evening after work most nights (and w/ends) so I get left after a hard days work to do tea time, bath time, bed time etc. He is usually home by 8 when DCs are just in bed. Usually will have had 3-4 pints. This makes me cross that he does not spend time with the DCs, we can't afford it when we have debts to pay, and it is not healthy.
We argue over money, me being 'boring', untalkative (I just have nothing to say to him), and me being 'crap in bed and not giving him what he wants' - we still have sex 3-4 times a week but it does nothing for me. We don't kiss, cuddle or show any emotion together at all - and frankly I don't want that anymore anyway.
In our last mega-row (there are many) I told him I wanted out as I just wasn't happy, and he started crying and said he didn't want the children being from a broken home. I asked him if he was happy and he didn't answer.
I'm not scared of being a single mum (although obviously I absolutely want the DCs to be happy) and want some fun / my life back. If we didn't have debt I could support myself / DCs.
Because I feel it only right to be totally honest on here, I am going to tell you something else - and I expect to now be vilified for this, probably rightly. I have been having sex with someone else, who I met through my job. He is totally unreliable (married and divorced twice with 5 children, both marriages having failed because of his philandering), and is in a relationship. He lives near his work half the week and 'goes home' every weekend. We started with flirty sexting, and have now 'met up' twice, and I have discovered I have definitely not lost interest in sex! I expect absolutely nothing from this 'dalliance' other than sex. And - he is the only person that knows how bad my relationship is. I think about him quite a lot, but know that nothing will come of it (I would never trust him for a start).
I am telling you this to be honest, but the long and short of it is that I just feel I would be better of on my own (with the DCs obviously) so I can be happy - but I just don't know where to start.
Thanks for listening - I feel a bit better just typing this out and sharing it.
Well it sounds like a good decision to me.
I know it's shit and very hard but sometimes you have to just bite the bullet and do it. I would suggest you contact a solicitor who is a member of RESOLUTION to get the settlement/custody sorted out.
However don't rush into a relationship with this new man you are only applying a plaster over a gashing wound. You need time to heal and find out who you are before you share your life with someone new.
Lordy! Well it sounds like your marriage is well and truly over and that you have checked out emotionally and physically, so I'd make a clean break if you can. It sucks for your kids, but your (D)H sounds like an selfish arse and that you'll be much better off on your own. As a starting point I'd talk to a solicitor and take it from there.
I would just like to qualify that DH does spend time with the kids - he often takes them out at weekends so I can go shopping (if only Tesco's!), and just have some time to myself.
Juneau - you are absolutely right, I have checked out emotionally and physically, I just hadn't though of it like that. The fact I am now enjoying sex proves that really - I honestly thought it was me!
And sorry - not good with these acronym things, he is definitely only a H not a DH
God I sound awful. But also perhaps a bit of a mess.
You need out. You know you need out. You intend to get out. You seem to be looking for approval but you will have to accept that you wont get it from everyone, regardless of the affair. Dh will prob blame you and may try to turn everyone else against you but that @houldnt be a reason to stay.
By tje way, have you ever considered reporting the rapes?
You are right margerykemp - I do want out and I am probably looking for approval. I am worried about what other people think (in terms of our friends and our parents) - but just feel I deserve to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
I never reported the rapes as I was too ashamed - nor did I report the broken wrist. My friend took me to hospital that night and backed me up when I said I had fallen over (she knew the truth). This all happened 15 or so years ago. No excuse I know.
By the way - guess where H is right now? Yep - good old pub. Again.
Glad you feel better for posting . Sounds like you should just leave him, it's run it's course and life is too short.
I have had hard times over the last two years but in my 16 year marriage I was unhappy for at least 10 of them. I do not regret splitting up nor has it had any lasting effect on dcs they are happy because I am happy.
You need to think of yourself and do what is right for you.
Don't worry about what other people think. They don't know. It's your life and only you know what is right for you. Sod them.
I agree - life's too short to worry about what other people will think. They don't have to live your life and they don't know what's been going on. You've given it a bloody good shot IMO and it's over, so do what you can to end things cleanly and then move on with your life. You deserve to be happy and this marriage sounds miserable.
your marriage is over
make that decision and everything else will follow
the OM is incidental
but really, you shouldn't do it for him, because he will fuck you over
you know that right ?
the OM will fuck you over
now you get that...let your husband go to find some one who appreciates him, because you clearly don't
as it goes, I wouldn't appreciate him either because he sounds like a twat
get rid of your H
get rid of the cocksure OM
thanks everyone - I really do appreciate all your words, and Any, you are right I will undoubtedly get my head screwed by this other man, although at the moment I really am handling the no strings bit of fun thing as I don't want a 'relationship' with him. Harsh but true.
You are also right in that H needs someone who appreciates him - and I don't. I need to step back, get out, and find someone who appreciates me too.
Incidentally he didn't get home until gone 11 last night (having been out since 5) - so dinner was wasted, I sat in alone all evening, and this morning he has just acted all normal without even an apology. That has really annoyed me, if I have the right to be annoyed.
I just thought I would post an update as I have taken stock of my life and decided to do something about it. Writing out my story really helped, as did your comments. So thank you!
So what have I done?! Not much yet - but a start I am sure you will agree
Firstly I have ditched the OM. Great sex, but no good for my head! I will inevitably have to see him very occasionally through work related matters, but I am the consumate professional and will handle it.
Secondly, I have made an appointment to see a solicitor just to find out my rights, my DC's rights and my H's rights. I want to know the facts before I take next steps.
You're definitely moving in the right direction. Well done for taking such positive steps.
Well donefeelssowrong. Go for it and don't feel bad about any of it. I feel bad reading your posts because my husband isn't anything like as bad as yours but I am so unhappy, started an affair with someone I knew, discovered for the first time in my life how to love sex but then I screwed up. I fell in love and for a whole host of reasons, I can't be with him. I hate my marriage but I can't leave (scared and financial reasons). Trying counselling on my own. Don't think its helping much and all I want is OM.
Anyway I don't deserve anything else, made my bed - have to lie in it and I have 2 perfect kids.
You deserve to find happiness, remember that, even if not many people tell you.
thanks Q. You and I sound very similar in what we have done / been through (hugs). I hate my marriage but I am scared too and financially it would be a nightmare. I earn good money but we have debts, which although not insurmountable are a bit prohibitive at the moment.
I totally agree with you on discovering how good sex can be. I was determined not to fall in love with OM as I knew that would really screw me up, but I won't deny I had to fight my head on that one. He and I had a long chat this morning which was slightly weird - it turns out that he has now left his GF as he realised it couldn't have been the relationship he thought it was if he was sleeping with someone else i.e. me. He needs to sort his head out now for sure. I just hope I don't regress on my committment not to fall back into bed with him. But could be difficult to resist. [hmmm]
So, after years of dishing out physical and emotional domestic abuse, dissolved in tears at the prospect of his dc being from a broken home and, coincidentally, OM has had an attack of moral conscience
What's that flying overhead? Sus domesticus?
Throw a box of tissues at the pair of them and get on with creating a fulfilling life for yourself and dc.
Join the discussion
Please login first.