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Now what? I know he's talking me out of it...

(9 Posts)
dizzykizzy Sun 16-Oct-11 15:39:10

I've posted recently here.

I have had some really good advice and appreciate everything said so far. However, I have spent time talking things through with H and he has now promised to change his working situation, start taking more care with the DCs and get rid of the things in our lives which we regularly argue about. He won't agree to a timetable or make any decisions about our housing situation quickly. But he is trying to see a way to keep us together. I feel like I have to respect his efforts and give him more time but it's eating away at me.

Can someone please help me get some perspective on this? If he talks me round into staying, I'm really scared that I will lose myself again trying to put everything right and "saving the day". I can't keep doing this to the DCs or myself.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 16-Oct-11 16:20:01

There you are again, talking about what he will agree to. Don't you see, you are the one who gets to decide if you don't want a relationship with him any more? You have the right to state whether he deserves another chance to win you round, and if he does, what is the minimum improvement you expect - not what he believes you should be happy with, but what you yourself would be happy with. You can be the one who sets a timetable. You state what you want to do about the house and he can either go along with it or come up with an alternative that you can accept. Otherwise you'll end up spending a lifetime waiting for him to bow to your reasonableness. How far has waiting and talking got you to date? Nowhere much. Don't be me, wondering where the last 25 years went.

Maybe he has seen the light and will improve, but if he's still dodging around any kind of schedule for this it doesn't sound hopeful. He's got to know you mean it - and then maybe things really will change.

dizzykizzy Sun 16-Oct-11 21:16:06

Thank you Annie. I need to work out what to do next. I've had a crap day and he seems fine.

AnyPhantomFucker Sun 16-Oct-11 22:46:54

he is fine

you are not fine

he is trying to tell you to be fine

what does that tell you ?

dizzykizzy Mon 17-Oct-11 08:22:48

Anyphantomfucker I think you mean that he is still ignoring that there is a problem. This morning he was being very smiley to me until I was grumpy back at him and then he acted all hurt. Surely he must be worried and want to sort things out. I just don't understand how he makes it alright for himself. I've told him we are running out of money and that I want to separate and a week later he is acting as if nothing has happened. Will he only get it when the house is repossessed or when Ive left??

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 17-Oct-11 09:13:49

yes, he is telling you that how you feel has no importance to him

that your feelings don't matter

he sees your resistance as a minor thing that will be easily overcome by a bit of manipulation from him

do you want to be so easily controlled, like a ridiculous puppet on a string ?

Snorbs Mon 17-Oct-11 09:45:28

I think, fundamentally, you have different ideas of what the problem is.

From your point of view, the problem is the way that you two fail to work together, the serious money problems, his lack of respect for you as a person in your own right and the fact that your relationship is pretty much dead.

From his point of view, the problem is that you keep whinging at him about how unhappy you are.

So he's temporarily solved the problem by giving you the same old lame promises - "yeah yeah, I'll not work so much, sure, I'll help out with the kids more, whatever, I'll ditch the things that bug you etc etc."

He thinks he's hit the Snooze button on the alarm clock of your dissatisfaction. I seriously doubt he's actually going to do any of it, or if he does he won't keep it up for long.

That's because, from his point of view, the problem that needs to be solved is you getting on his case about how crap he is. He thinks he just needs to keep giving you the same fake promises, keep hitting that snooze button, and you'll carry on putting up with the same old shit day after day, week after week, decade after decade.

The bottom line? He doesn't believe that you will ever leave him so he doesn't believe he really has to change.

AnyPhantomFucker Mon 17-Oct-11 09:50:28

"hitting the snooze button"

brilliant analogy

dizzykizzy Mon 17-Oct-11 10:54:11

Snorbs that has shaken me. You are so right. I've been worried about not hurting him and he's only worried about shutting me up! I thought he was just sticking his head in the sand but he has actually been working quite hard. Thank you.

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