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warning signs?

(45 Posts)
lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:17:32

Can anyone advise me if these are warning signs. DP generally a nice person, has been having quite a hard time this last year or so, business folded, injury etc etc.

I sometimes feel he is trying to belittle me. Little comments ie "ur moody, I never know who is going to arrive in through the door you can be like a different person" when really im just quiet at the end of a long day, jiggling my tummy when he knows im trying to lose weight, the latest is hinting that I embarrassed him as I showed up to his friends party quite drunk (was having a nite out with friends and he was aware of this and asked me to go to this party). He said I was loud and didnt make an effort to chat. and that he had commented to his friends that he had never known me to be as drunk. I wasnt abusive, didnt throw up or fall over. Im actually really upset as I now feel that everyone was laughing at me!

I have noticed that he is starting to rely on me quite heavily financially. He does not have alot of income at present granted and therefore I have been paying for quite alot of our outings - as well as helping him with bills, he also isnt providing any regular child support. There is always cash though for a few drinks on a friday night - reason given as "oh its only about £10, not alot to spend" yet the £10 could be given to his ex towards child support. A few weeks back I paid quite substantial bills for him totalling almost £500 and I have insisted that he pay me back - have never made him pay back before.

I dont know whether im just a bit down and paranoid at the moment and im reading too much into everything or if I should be walking away.

madonnawhore Sun 16-Oct-11 11:25:16

I think you're right to be on the alert for warning signs. I would be feeling the same as you in that situation.

Sounds like he's become resentful of you because he's becoming dependant on you.

Why has he not got much money right now? Does he need to be looking for work?

I would put a stop to pissing tenners up the wall every week for a start.

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 11:26:42

He is belittling you and you subsidise him? You need to man up and tell him to get his shit sorted.

He feels inadequate himself so in order to make himself feel better he puts you down at every opportunity.

Lizzabadger Sun 16-Oct-11 11:35:46

How long have you been together? Do you have kids or any commitments together? If you can walk away easily I would - life is too short.

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:36:06

Thanks for saying that madonna I thought it was just me being paranoid as I feel quite depressed at the moment - other outside factors not just him.

He does work but has only been able to get part-time hours - although I have told him to sort his CV out and start looking for something else he hasnt gotten around to it yet. I feel he is drifting and basically being selfish, looking after himself and his needs first. I dont feel able really to dictate to him what he can do with the cash he has earned - what I have done is withdraw any financial support I have given him.

fabby ive stopped subsidising him as you are right he does need to get himself sorted, hence me making him pay back the last lot of money I paid for his bills. I mean his phone has been cut off a few times and I paid for it!.

I was so gutted though this morning as I truly was drunk but as I said not offensive or nasty, just a bit loud and slurry or something. He has been drunk himself on occasion - I felt he was trying to tell me I had embarrassed him (dont know any of those attending the party last nite, they are people he knows through other friends of his - hence party at friends house).

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:38:28

Lizza no we have no children or committments together - am going out with him quite a while and we are discussing moving in together but to be honest the idea doesnt appeal to me in quite the same way it used to as I just couldnt put up with having to constantly have a happy personality and also I would worry that I would struggle financially, I mean if he isnt paying child support why would he bother to pay bills?

madonnawhore Sun 16-Oct-11 11:39:13

He's being deliberately cruel to try and get you on the back foot. And he's doing it because the power dynamic has shifted in your relationship in your favour, so he's punching below the belt with you to try to claw some control back.

But what he should be doing is strapping on a pair of bollocks and manning up and sorting himself out.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sun 16-Oct-11 11:40:06

I don't see how he can be claiming you were 'loud' if you 'didn't make any effort to chat'.

What were you doing? Standing in the middle of the floor shouting your mouth off? I very much doubt it. He's just trying to make you feel bad about yourself- as usual.

madonnawhore Sun 16-Oct-11 11:40:20

OMG you don't even live with him and you're subsidising him? Jeez, I wouldn't bother. Bin him and then maybe reconsider your position if/when he sorts his life out.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Sun 16-Oct-11 11:45:25

He doesn't sound very nice at all to me!
You sound as though you are more than capable of standing on your own two feet - get rid of him and wait until someone nice comes along.
Someone on here once said something along the lines of "a relationship isn't there to make your life better - it should be something that enhances an already great life." Obviously much better put.
Don't waste any more time with this bloke - I would have dumped just for the jiggling tummy thing - twat. And do not lend him any more money!!

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:46:23

He can be so supportive at times, truly he can its just he seems so hyper aware of others opinions. He said that myself and my friend were like a herd of elephants arriving into the party - I know one of the guys at the party did mention to me that I was quite merry! I just laughed it off. I have seen him pissed - I told him that I felt quite depressed this morning on the phone and his response was "im not suprised you were PISSED last night!" you showed up an hour late to the party and spent more time outside smoking than talking you were completely pissed". I was really startled and said to him a bit nervously "Oh no did I embarass myself?" to which he replied "well, I wouldnt say embarrassed yourself anyway I told them all Id never seen you so drunk". I just cringed as I started trying to remember what I had done that was so bad - but really I was just drunk and slurring a bit.

I actually spent alot of time outside smoking, which I do when drinking.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Sun 16-Oct-11 11:47:32

And also OP - why should you not be a bit drunk? Are women not allowed to be drunk on nights out and at parties? PLEASE don't torture yourself over this one as fuckwit men can be very good at using it against you. "You were a STATE last night, I was ashamed..." "You're out of control..." "I can't trust you..."
And presumably you were drinking by means of YOUR hard earned money? Enough said.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Sun 16-Oct-11 11:50:00

Maddonnawhore - "He's being deliberately cruel to try and get you on the back foot. And he's doing it because the power dynamic has shifted in your relationship in your favour, so he's punching below the belt with you to try to claw some control back."

This is it, SPOT ON.

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:52:57

Thanks you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. I was becoming more and more cringey thinking of it alll.

Im quite lonely at the minute as alot of my friends have moved overseas with work so when this friend visited I was delighted. I know I was pissed and I know that I was slurring etc but Im a happy drunk, i dont cry or get aggressive. I was chatting to a lady in the smoking area etc etc.

Yes it was my hard earned money, I work my balls off as I support myself, my mum and my child (albeit my ex is very good about child support). I pay every bill coming in and out of my house for the 3 of us - I have also made meals for him when he has his DC over - my friends actually tell me I do too much for him - and they are right. I have withdrawn all of that.

PhilipJFry Sun 16-Oct-11 11:54:57

He's a dick. I wish I could be more nuanced and break it down a bit more, but that's my reaction. He IS belittling you and it sounds like he didn't mind that you showed up drunk to the party because that gave him a chance to say all of that stuff. He sounds like he's delighting in rubbing your face in it.

You don't need someone who leeches off you financially, belittles your attempts to better yourself (losing weight) and generally makes snarky comments in your direction.

Each incident might not seem like a big deal but it is. Why should you be treated like this by the man who is supposed to be the one who loves you? A partner is one of the closest people, if not the closest, you have in this world. You shouldn't have to defend yourself against them.

PhilipJFry Sun 16-Oct-11 11:56:25

FWIW you sound like you've got your head screwed on and are more than capable of doing brilliantly without him.

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:57:45

Philip i appreciate the honesty. It is constant - and im not saying that to excuse him, just to highlight why I thought it might be me being paranoid.

He will tell me Im gorgeous etc etc and will help around my home fixing things etc but financially he is a drain on me and the way he made me feel this morning just made me want to get away from him

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 11:58:07

sorry meant to say it isnt constant

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 12:03:10

whats so cruel I think about this morning is that he knows me - he knows that when I do get very drunk that I get paranoid and down the next day (i dont do it regularly by the way) so he would have known that saying those things would upset me very much.

I got quite sharp with him toward the end of the conversation and he started back tracking all the "dont be upset, i wasnt meaning any harm" bullshit.

I am a giver, always have been and would try to help anyone out. I have been very supportive of him in all ways and have always listened and cared about him - I told him during the same conversation regarding paying back money that there was no chance of me living with him until he is financially secure as i have my own dc to think of. Im not allowing anyone to upset her. Her own father is very supportive, he works very hard and provides very well for her - my dp will see his dc but financially is a very poor provider, as I mentioned though there is always money for a few beers on a friday evening and a pizza.

He is a nice guy most of the time - he just has this side to him and he appears to be directing it at me.

Pollykitten Sun 16-Oct-11 12:05:28

Using tipsyness against someone is classic power behaviour - who hasn't been drunk at one time or another? And if you can't be drunk at a party, where can you be - also classic conflicted British behaviour to have a good time and then go into paroxysms of guilt about it! If you take out the anecdote about how pissed or otherwise you were at a party, you still have the whole relationship dynamic query that you have posted about anyway. I think by helping a man in this way (unconsciously mothering them really) you inadvertently make they feel undermined because they know they are being inadequate. So, no more money for him for a start! I wouldn't bother telling him what to do either. Maybe a bit or paradoxical intent ('no you're quite right, I should pay for you and you definitely shouldn't look for any more work'!). Do you love him? That's the starting point - if he gets his self esteem back will he be properly nice to you? Does he want your happiness? Do you want his? Do lots of things that are good for your self esteem, do things you enjoy, be it ice skating, baking cakes or book groups, whatever! If he can see you having a good time without him, he'll either sort himself and if he doesn't, then you've been having a good time anyway! Sorry, long rant, but really these men are so often boys....

madonnawhore Sun 16-Oct-11 12:06:23

He doesn't sound like much of a catch. The thing with not supporting his DCs financially yet still managing to afford beer and pizza is very off-putting. It tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie.

I would step way back from this relationship and have a hard think about whether you want to continue it.

To be honest it doesn't sound like he has much to offer you. And I can imagine that if he did move in with you, pretty quickly you'd be doing everything for him and it would be like having an extra child.

PhilipJFry Sun 16-Oct-11 12:09:57

It is hard to figure out what's going on when the person can be lovely, even for the majority of the time, and then these things slip out. You can start to think you're overreacting and expecting to much for someone to be perfect all the time- I've done that myself in the past. It takes time and a lot of thinking to figure out what's going on and what the pattern is, and even then you can doubt and wonder about whether your perception is off.

I think that when you reach the point where you aren't comfortable with how your partner treats you and wonder how exactly they view you, then it's time to think about where it's heading.

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 12:24:35

I do love him - or rather I love the man I met originally - he was dynamic, enthusiastic - a go getter - this man is like a shadow of him. madonna i agree - how does having a social drink take precedence over providing for his dc. His ex does not appear to be chasin him for cash - as he says she knows he doesnt have any - but I would expect him to even hand over £10 that he spends on beer to her to at least show some consideration. She is left paying a mortgage and supporting dc herself. Its not fair on her. I know she can be difficult and has been nasty to me but she doesnt deserve that.

I know that he does care for me - he says he loves me but I doubt that now as someone who loves you wouldnt treat you this way - or is it just that he is down and not really coping at the minute and if - as polly says he gets his self esteem back will be treat me better - the way he used to.

lastroseofsummer Sun 16-Oct-11 12:25:50

and polly its also hitting home what you said about the tipsyness and power playing - I have seen people so drunk they fall asleep, i wasnt, I was slurring yes, probs not so steady on my feet but I wasnt passed out!

FabbyChic Sun 16-Oct-11 12:32:14

As you dont live together his financial responsibilities are his own.

Don't subsidise him anymore, don't give him a penny, if he pleads poverty then tell him to sort it out then and get a proper job.

You are entitled to have fun, he is not embarassed but jealous you probably got more attention than he did.

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