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Any partners of alcoholics around?

(9 Posts)
oyuoyu Sat 15-Oct-11 23:23:58

My DH is an alcoholic and in the midst of of a relapse after 4 and a half years of sobriety. I am now the evil, nagging wife (according to his parents) because I'm not pussyfooting around him congratulating him on telling us that he is drinking again. If one more person tells me that he has done a really positive thing in telling me, I will cry. Again.

Since he told me on Thursday I have been in crisis management mode. I have dispensed sugary drinks, cooked wholesome and appetizing meals and sorted out the shit. I have smiled and played with the children and generally kept the show on the road. The only thing I didn't do is a school governor's meeting and attend a meeting yesterday morning, but I did put up with a load of shit from the organisers.

His parents blame me, once again, because clearly I poured the sodding drink down his throat. They have told me not to nag him today. I am fucking incandescent with rage. How BLOODY dare they.

I have rung the Samaritans, who have established that I am not going to do anything to harm myself and I am now in bed waiting for sleep so that I am in a fit state to look after the children tomorrow. My husband is at his parents, where they will dispense alcohol to him if he displays the slightest shake, even though he has told me that he does not need to detox. I have, they said, forced him to stop to quickly.

I want to leave him, I think. At least I want a relationship with a man that doesn't get depressed and have a drink.

anothermum92 Sat 15-Oct-11 23:30:39

Message withdrawn

oyuoyu Sat 15-Oct-11 23:43:25

Thank you. I don't go to Al-anon but I did go to a similar group. I shall keep repeating the mantra, it is worth remembering.

I can't leave really. We run a business together so I am kind of stuck, really. My DS has just started primary school so I can't go back to my home town. He isn't here anyway. He is with his parents. We might as well be separated.

bejeezus Sun 16-Oct-11 00:06:26

can't he just stay at his parents?

when he's drinking does he function? will you be running the business by yourself?

anothermum92 Sun 16-Oct-11 00:09:56

Message withdrawn

oyuoyu Sun 16-Oct-11 00:27:40

He isn't here right now. They had the DCs the first night and then when they came home he went there. Yes, he does function but his judgement gets very flawed, he is very high and low. So, I shall have to be there all the time to direct things, sort out problems so that he doesn't collapse into a heap.

bejeezus Sun 16-Oct-11 00:30:02

ooooo there anyway you can stop being in business with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 16-Oct-11 08:09:26

You may think you're stuck but you;re not. The business can be restructured and there are ways of doing this. You need to start finding out where you stand legally on the business too. Seek proper legal advice on your position both financially and legally.

You can't, simply can't, stay within this because of the business. Its not a good enough reason to remain within this relationship.

Do talk to Al-anon; they could well help you here. At the very least call them and read their literature.

This is no life for you or your children; it does none of you any good whatsoever to remain within this.

You are as caught up in all this as he is; its now time for you to get off the merry go around of alcoholism. You've been enabling him just as his awful parents are now doing; they are being his enablers now. This man is not going to stop anytime soon particularly if there are people around to pick him up.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

No amount of crisis management on your part will help; doing all that will just eventually grind you into the ground. Also such enabling gives you a false sense of control and helps no-one. Your children are picking up on all this as well, they may not thank you ultimately as adults for staying with your H if you chose to.

maby66 Mon 17-Oct-11 11:06:33

There is a thread for partners of addicts here:

I am a contributor - please join in. I have found it good to vent/share, and support is always given.

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