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bf can't get used to the idea of having a baby?

(58 Posts)
bayy17 Sat 15-Oct-11 18:29:55

The first point when I found out I was pregnant I told him he beat me badly and sid I wouldn't be for long. He beat me because he didn't want the baby not because he was angry at me. To a point I wanted him to because I didn't want it. I met up soon after with a pro-life resource center and I guess it really got to me. So I decided maybe I didn't want to. Later found out half the side effects weren't actually as obvious as they said. Anyway I stayed pregnant. Finally I left him because he seemed more upset about the pregnancy seemed I thought he just needed time away and it aggravated him. I've finally decided to go home. This is states away and he keeps harassing me telling me I need to abort. It's like he doesn't even care about our relationship or want to be with me. My parents said they'd pay for an abortion if I wanted. I want us to be a happy family. I don't want this to bring us on bad terms ut I feel like it should be him changes. But I feel like it's only getting worst and now I'm 16 wks. I just feel like why can't he accept things the way they are? I don't know what to do. I feel like anything I'll do will ruin us. I thought leaving him to think about it would make things better but it's only gotten worst. And I'm feeling as though I'm the one who's selfish and inconsiderate. Btw we're both young 19 and 20 but I don't think he hates me just the baby. I don't see why he can't live us both. But I love him. And don't people sacrifice for the ones they love. Yet I just cry and cry about everything either way it seems. Advice?

Proudnreallyveryscary Sat 15-Oct-11 18:34:39

Oh my goodness my love - you absolutely have to get away from this man who doesn't love or care for you, quite the opposite. You are worth so much more and I fear for your safety around him.
Others will be along in a mo to support and advise you. xx

BertieBotts Sat 15-Oct-11 18:42:40

How absolutely awful for you. Please get far away from this man. In fact it would probably be best to tell him you have had an abortion, and then stay as far away from him as possible so that he never finds out the truth. Does that sound like overkill? Probably, but seriously, lovely, he beat you to try and induce a miscarriage. This is not the kind of man you want in your life, let alone the life of your child.

He will not change, even for his child. He will not be a good influence. If you want to do this alone, you absolutely can. Either way please make sure you never see him ever again.

(Are you in the US by the way? Just because you mentioned "states away" - it might affect different resources people will link you to.)

lisad123 Sat 15-Oct-11 18:47:19

You need to decide if you want this baby. Not for him but you. Then you need to cut this man from your life, lose all contact. He beat you while your were carrying his child!! He seriously is sick and twisted an you don't need him in your life. Don't go back, don't call and change your number if you need to.

MigratingCoconuts Sat 15-Oct-11 18:51:43

don't stay with anyone who beats you! And lisad123 is totally right. make your decision for you.

Please look at this website: woman's aid they will be able to help you with practical advice.

good luck! xx

RobynLou Sat 15-Oct-11 18:54:56

please leave him. you have a chance now to make a lovely life for you and your child, if you stay with him things will only get worse. You have to be strong and leave. you can do it.

FabbyChic Sat 15-Oct-11 18:57:14

Oh my god. Can you not see this man is no good for you? He does not want you to be a family, he is a selfish arsehole.

You really are far too young to be going it alone with a baby, you even sound unsure yourself as to what you want yet you are 16 weeks pregnant.

Just because you are having a child does not mean he wants it or you, or to be a father.

Get a grip on reality and realise a child is forever, don't bring a child into the world for the wrong reasons.

bayy17 Sat 15-Oct-11 19:00:09

I don't want to be a single mom though. I am way too scared about going that route. And it's hard to let go of people I love. Before I got pregnant he wasn't this way. Sometimes I wonder if I weren't pregnant or anything maybe he'd be different. For me usually it's like when he's happy I'm happy. I'm so well connected I have never found tat with anyone else.

also the reason he beat me because we didn't want it. Like I already said it wasn't out of malice really but it was after where things weren't so perfect really. Maybe it was brought on by that. But I'm not sure.

pozzled Sat 15-Oct-11 19:01:38

OK, so you are now with your family and a long way from this man? Good. Please don't try to rebuild your relationship with him, you do not need someone in your life who beats you- no one should ever put up with that.

"It's like he doesn't even care about our relationship or want to be with me. "

You're right, he doesn't. If he did, he could not have beat you. You deserve better.

As for the pregnancy, that is your decision. Not his, or your families (would they prefer you to have an abortion, or will they be supportive either way?). I don't know what the abortion rules are in the states but if you're 16 weeks you may not have much time left to make a decision- what are your feelings?

bayy17 Sat 15-Oct-11 19:03:10

what's women's aid thanks for the link at least I think it's a link. If so thanks

MigratingCoconuts Sat 15-Oct-11 19:03:17

The scariness of being a single mum is nothing to allowing your DC watch you getting beaten by him in the future, or worse, ypou watching him beat the DC.

Do you really think he is going to stop??!!

Nobody should use violence to make their point! Nobody!

pozzled Sat 15-Oct-11 19:04:44

"Sometimes I wonder if I weren't pregnant or anything maybe he'd be different."

No, it wouldn't. It really wouldn't. At some point he would have shown you his true colours, maybe a little later but it would still happen. A man who can beat a pregnant woman is the lowest of the low.

"For me usually it's like when he's happy I'm happy."

And if he's not happy?

jenniec79 Sat 15-Oct-11 19:04:51

OK you're not sure.

We are.

Get somewhere safe, away from him. Now, for the sake of you and your baby.

MigratingCoconuts Sat 15-Oct-11 19:05:36

Womans aid is a website devoted to giving all kinds of support to women who are victims of domestic violence. Its UK based, so if you are in the States, they may be able to put you onto a local organisation that can help.

click on the link! please, they can give you advice.

Tyr Sat 15-Oct-11 19:05:50

The first sentence of your post says it all- he's a thug. You need to get as far away from him as possible. He will beat you again.

HazleNutt Sat 15-Oct-11 19:12:15

You are afraid of being a single mum? If you stay with him, once the baby is born, you might not be the only one assaulted - this is what you should be afraid of. Please don't have anything to do with this horrible man.

Robotindisguise Sat 15-Oct-11 19:12:18

Domestic violence often starts in pregnancy. It doesn't end there.

I know you're young, but you're a mother now. You've got to take a deep breath and realise your baby comes first, second and third. And the worst thing you could do is bring him or her up in a violent environment.

And I know you'll be thinking - it isn't a violent environment, there were other factors, it's not what you're thinking. Because everyone who's a victim of domestic violence thinks that.

Someone who loves you doesn't beat you, it's as simple as that.

FabbyChic Sat 15-Oct-11 19:17:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

gallicgirl Sat 15-Oct-11 19:18:01

Lovely men don't suddenly change overnight when they find out their partner is pregnant. There isn't a switch in their head that suddenly turns on and says "right, I've got a good reason to beat her now".

Chances are, he would hit you at some point in the future even if you weren't pregnant. There would always be some other excuse. Just remember you did not cause this, he did. He ruined the relationship the moment he hit you. If he had any respect for you, that reaction wouldn't have even crossed his mind.

This link will help you to decide if any of his other actions are indicative of abuse. There is a great poster that explains about abusive and supportive behaviour but I can't find it. Maybe someone else can link to it if they know the one I mean?

Once you're away from him, then make your decision about the baby based on what is right for you and you alone. Remember that pro-life organisations have an agenda so make sure you get both sides of the story. Being a single mom is hard work but not impossible but you really have to think what's right for you and that asshole isn't one of those things.

ShroudOfHamsters Sat 15-Oct-11 19:19:02


You will NEVER be a happy family with a man like this. NEVER.

This man is a monster INCAPABLE of really feeling that emotion.

He did NOT beat you because of the baby. He beat you up because HE IS A HORRIBLE, VIOLENT THUG.

Even being absolutely distraught at the thought of a baby that you don't want isn't a reason to beat someone up. NOTHING is really a reason to beat someone up except the fact that the person doing the beating up is a VIOLENT MONSTER.

If you weren't pregnant, he would be the same person, and when things didn't go his way at any other time, he would beat you up. That's how your life will end up if you abort your baby and stay with him - you will still be beaten up. You will try and make yourself obey his rules and wants as much as you can, but you'll still get beaten up eventually, because HE THINKS IT'S OK TO BEAT YOU UP. You will have lost your baby, but it won't improve anything. You'll have a thug for a partner who hits you when he's angry or upset about something.

Please, please stay away from this horrible man. He'll ruin your life. He will.

Being a single parent is tough, but it's a BREEZE compared to being a mother with a violent partner. Even if you aborted this baby, if you ever want children, and you stay with him, you are looking at a life of misery and bringing up unhappy, afraid children.

Walk away. Do what YOU want to do about the baby, but get away from him first. He will drag you down and down, love. He will.

Please choose to give yourself the chance at a proper, happy life, full of people who love and care for you. Get him OUT of your life and you leave the way open for finding REAL love and happiness - a REAL partner who, when there are problems, will talk to you, find a solution, be supportive, not blame you for things that aren't your fault. Someone you can rely on. Someone you don't have to fear.

That isn't him. You are SO young. Please, please don't ruin your life.

Talk to your parents if you can, tell them what he did to you.

Keep posting and there are people on here who can give you information on places you can get support that will help you achieve what YOU want - whether it's keeping your baby or not.

You won't be alone. Stay strong.

bayy17 Sat 15-Oct-11 19:19:26

he hasn't 'assaulted' me. I don't think he'd continue because it wasn't a hate issue thing. He's good with kids I don't think he'd hurt either of us. I just wish he'd have a change of heart that's all. I also want to thank you for the website it's beenwell it seems quite helpful especially if things are out of hand.

Tyr Sat 15-Oct-11 19:24:52

What do you mean "he hasn't assaulted me?" You said he "beat me badly"

Is this some kind of a wind up?

MigratingCoconuts Sat 15-Oct-11 19:27:28

Womens Aid is no good for the OP she is in the US if you had read her OP properly you would have seen that.

I love it when you get like that fabby grin

Actually her op does not state that outright and if you had read my post carefully you'll note that i suggest womansaid might be able to put her in touch with an amwerican organisation.

HazleNutt Sat 15-Oct-11 19:28:32

He hasn't assaulted you? He beat you.

He beat you with the intent that you would miscarry - he tried to kill your unborn child. You say yourself that he hates the baby. Why do you think he will not hurt both of you again?

You hope that once the baby is born, he will take one look and start loving the child, I understand. It will not happen though.

MigratingCoconuts Sat 15-Oct-11 19:30:13

I just wish he'd have a change of heart that's all

you are in huge denial! He will not change and he may be good with other people's kids but he will continue to beat you are yours....

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