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Is it possible for a long distance father to keep a good relationship with children?

(9 Posts)
IWasTheBadOne Sat 15-Oct-11 15:58:28

My situation - living in SE Asia with husband and our two children, aged 9 and 3. We've been here nearly seven years. Been together 16 years, married for 11.

The marriage has not been great for many years. The main problem is he has no sex drive; we haven't had sex for 4 years, he has high blood pressure, is overweight, shows no interest in getting help. He seems content with how we are. Apart from the first year, sex has never been important to him.

I'm the opposite. Sex is a huge deal for me. I need it to feel alive, wanted, womanly. I have raised the subject a few times and been fobbed off with various excuses, but finally he admitted he just doesn't think about it and isn't interested. Up until 2 years ago I still loved him and wanted him. Now it's all gone. I guess it's a defense mechanism. You can't keep putting yourself out and being rejected without something disappearing.

I tried to keep myself sane by finding a FWB. (I know some people frown on that, but it was honestly done with the best of intentions.) That all went tits up. I did the old cliche and fell in love with him. He showed me everything I'd been missing in life, and I realized I can't spend my life with a man who doesn't want me. I don't want to cheat for the rest of my life.

Things are over with the FWB now but now I know that the marriage is truly over. The thing is his job is here and he's doing really well. He works all the time and thrives on it. I just want to come home. I miss my family and so do my children. I want the chance to make a normal life and meet someone who wants me. I spent so long feeling dead inside, the thought of going back to that terrifies me.

I just can't work out what to do. I don't want to stop my kids from seeing their dad. He's not the greatest father and is often awkward with them, but he does love them. But should I have to sacrifice my happiness to keep the pretence of a family here for him when he passes through between work trips? I'm only 37. I just can't live a lonely celibate life any more.

lubeybooby Sat 15-Oct-11 16:04:38

Stop worrying and just go. That's no life to be having and the kids will be fine, I bet there won't be much difference to them really tbh, and if he can keep up some phone/skype contact that will help things further smile

HormonallyMine Sat 15-Oct-11 16:35:32

Are you confusing leaving your husband and being homesick too? Could you break up with him and still stay in the country where you are both living?

izzywhizzysfritenite Sat 15-Oct-11 21:37:08

Sounds as if he'll see as much, if not more, of you and the dc through regular skype sessions.

I suggest you come back to the UK and start living instead of dying inside every day.

maleview70 Sat 15-Oct-11 21:42:17

Anything can work if he wants it to.

Should you decide to go home then he had a choice. He can either stay where he is and use Skype with a couple of longish visits thrown in.

Or he can move back home too.

Depends how important the kids are to him. Not all dads have the same yearning desire to be with their children as their mothers do.

IWasTheBadOne Sun 16-Oct-11 05:00:13

Thanks for replies - I'm quite relieved not to be told it's completely the wrong thing to do.

HormonallyMine no, there would be no way of staying if we split. I'm here on a Dependent's Pass, which would be revoked. Plus, I don't really like it here - I put up with it for the sake of the marriage, but it's not where I want to be.

Is there any chance anyone knows of people who have been in a similar situation and made it work successfully? I suppose we would need mediation to sort out access, division of assets and other stuff amicably. It just all seems so huge at the moment.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sun 16-Oct-11 05:30:16

There's a lot to think about and a lot to do so of course it seems huge at the moment.

Start with your h - see if you can come an amicable agreement without need of mediation. If you married in the UK you can divorce on line for very little cost.

Do you have property in the UK you can return to or relatives who can accomodate you until you find a suitable place to live?

NunTheWiser Sun 16-Oct-11 05:44:51

Perhaps a period of separation would be good for both of you. Give you both a chance to think things through. Are you planning a trip home in the next few months? Do you have a home in the UK or family that you could stay with? You could always explain it to the kids as an extended trip home to see everyone so that you've got some breathing space.

IWasTheBadOne Sun 16-Oct-11 06:49:48

We actually got married abroad, in Mauritius - not sure if that complicates matters even further or not.

We don't have property in the UK, but we are coming back at Christmas for our family visit. Children and I are coming for 2 weeks, husband for 1.

What I want to do is move back next summer holiday. I have family we could stay with indefinitely. I know the area I want to be in, close to most of my family. This seems like it will give me enough time to organize everything and work things through with my husband.

I veer between hating him for throwing it all away and feeling guilty for planning to take his children away. What I want is to get to a place where we can be friends, but that's going to take some work.

Thanks for replies, really appreciate it.

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