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Got my back up...

(12 Posts)
HappyHarrirt Sat 15-Oct-11 09:28:09

In a nutshell,it's this.

We married quite late on (both when 31, me second time, him first) and now done 20 yrs. 1 daughter now uni. He'd had a few girlfriends, but one in particular he kept in touch with mainly because he'd become friends with her new BF and in time this became a firm friendship (learning to ride motorbikes together, fishing holidays away, football etc). They eventually lived about 200 miles away from us, but we still saw each other about once or twice a year - they were a handy stopover point near the channel tunnel as we visit France often, and we returned the favour when they were on Scottish trips. I have always had a base unease about him being close to an ex but she is generally pleasant and hospitable, although no great friend material.
However within a year, a violent change of circumstances has occured.
Her husband died (very) suddenly in Feb this year - My DH was shocked to the core as both were the same age. He read the euology at the funeral, and helped in the immiediate aftermath then things settled down although her phone calls became more regular than the norm - she would always want to speak to him as well.
Then in August, DH was taken to hospital in an emergency. DD was at home during when one of her calls came in and blurted her the story. Basically what happened next was when I went in the next day I was staggered to find that this woman had driven the 200 miles up to Leighton hospital (Crewe) from Kent, booked herself into a local hotel, and was sat, totally uninvited, at his bedside. Oh, and bought him a whole clutch of Sportscar/football magazines.
Now. Call me selfish, paranoid, menopausal or whatever. BUT she 1. Just turns up without even attempting to contact me to ask if it's convienient. 2. It annoys me that she stayed in a hotel when she could have stayed with me as before. I cannot help but think she is starting to contemplate squirming her way back into his life big style.

I have avoided a row over this due to DH's condition although he is much improved now but have since then I have managed to avoid contact with her, although she still rings but somehow - during funeral arrangements I think - got his mobile number, and has now started ringing that.

Tell me I am hopelessly overreacting.

clam Sat 15-Oct-11 09:57:54

No, I can't tell you you're over-reacting. I'd be pissed off too. She is no friend to your marriage.

Milchardo Sat 15-Oct-11 10:01:55

You are not over-reacting. You need to talk to your DH about all this...

clam Sat 15-Oct-11 10:03:14

And you don't need to have a row about it. Tell him you're uncomfortable. I got twitchy about someone my DH was matey with a few years back and he was terribly flattered that I cared enough to object! I felt he was crossing a boundary and although he disagreed, he was upset to see that I was upset and so back-tracked and maintained a much cooler distance. It also helped that I'm not usually a jealous type and had had no problem with other mates, just this one. So he called me a daft old bat and humoured me. It actually strengthened out relationship.
Trust your instincts.
Oh, and don't let him do the "oh but she needs me us as she's been widowed, poor love" routine. Sounds brutal but she'll have to get that support from others. Your marriage is more important than that.

KatyMac Sat 15-Oct-11 10:07:19

Now you see, the hotel thing would worry me least; when your partner is ill you don't want to be hosting guests

The rest I don't know; but that I consider manners

ike1 Sat 15-Oct-11 10:10:30

Yes surely he is not her only support? Nip this one in the bud right NOW.

ike1 Sat 15-Oct-11 10:13:25

I know that in her circs I would be very careful not to make the wife of my male friend uncomfortable and would want to see you together. She should have chatted to u first and then asked if it was convenient to visit. I am highly suspicious of her motives.

CantBelieveImAskingThis Sat 15-Oct-11 10:13:45

I'd have thought an 'anything I can do, will it help if I come over?' type of phonecall from her would have been more appropriate, rather than just turning up to have you find her sat at his bedside. I wouldn't be happy about the current situation and would nip this in the bud as soon as your DH is on the mend.

AgentProvocateur Sat 15-Oct-11 10:21:58

I think I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. When one of my oldest (male) friends was ill in hosp in London, I came down from Glasgow to see him - and I stayed in a hotel. I went because I was worried and I cared - there were/are no romantic feelings at all.

Having said all that, you know your DH best, and you should listen to your instincts.

justpaddling Sun 16-Oct-11 08:43:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam Sun 16-Oct-11 09:19:03

Possibly. Let's hope so.
But I wonder how many of the hundreds of women who've posted on here about their H's affairs were found to be over-reacting.
I think it is wise to listen to our instincts and keep our relationships under close watch. The potential issue here is that if her H starts to withdraw from her (classic behaviour in an affair), it might be hard to differentiate it from the aftermath of his surgery and recovery.

HerScaryness Sun 16-Oct-11 14:19:09

I think you need to speak to your DH and tell him that you think she's crossing a line, and that it needs to be reigned in a bit.

I think you need to start answering the calls she makes to the mobile.

Listen to your instincts.

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