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Relationships

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

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amverytired · 15/10/2011 09:27

No, it's really not a normal relationship.

Despite the fact that he hasn't physically hurt you, it is an abusive relationship.
You are scared of his reaction to a lot of things, that's a sure sign that something is very very wrong. There are many red flags in your post.
He is controlling of who you see, what you wear, what time you go to bed, of your fertility, of money - I'm sure there are more.

I've been in your situation and it's a fairly miserable existence. It's up to you to change your situation.

Have a look on the 'emotional abuse' thread - you will find others there who understand EXACTLY how you are feeling.

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sunshineandbooks · 15/10/2011 09:28

I think 7 kids would be stressful for even the most rock-solid relationship, especially as I expect that in terms of domestic chores/organisation you are probably doing pretty much all of it.

Chuck in the fact that he's playing russian roulette with your fertility and expecting sex but refusing to use anything (how disrespectful can you get?) and that you're also scared of him, I'd say you are right to feel trapped and miserable. Sad

It's not normal. Is there any way you can get counselling without him knowing about it? I really think you would benefit from it but I suspect he may make life very unpleasant for you if you let him know this.

Good luck.

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:36

something else he choses when we have a drink in the house,
Has the final say with the kids,I ask him in front of them if they can,go out etc,not always but sometimes

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:52

he is not kind or helpfull when im pregnant,he let me go in the loft and put the cot together,carry shopping,made me move a bag of plaster (heavy)
He made me feel stupid in front of the mw at hospital, soke for me i felt so silly like I wasnt there

These bits are coming to me sorry

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:53

spoke for me not soak

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clam · 15/10/2011 09:54

Well, I'm not sure what a normal realtionship is, except that this one isn't. And actually, what matters is that you are unhappy, so it's not meeting your needs.

I'm very sorry to hear what you've written. I suspect he doesn't want you to have counselling for fear of what else you might tell the counsellor.

If he won't use contraception, would you be able to go on the pill or something?

Why should you have to go to bed when he says so? He asks why you don't want to go to bed at the same time? That could easily have been turned round on him. But I suspect you have manny years of doing as he wants, so to stop now or question him is going to be a big step. And I think you're going to need help.

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 10:05

Clam I have begged the doctor to give it me,but wont,

My question is how do I change things? can I change things? does he KNOW hes doing it ? can I be happy again? Do i NEED TO LEAVE HIM?

Right now I would be happy sat in a run down flat with just beds for my kids and food for them,because I could be ME and I would be smiling!

I have alot to think about,7 kids,I grew up without a dad,its not nice,we have close family living in a house of ours?

But I love him x

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Katisha · 15/10/2011 10:09

The doctor won't give you contraception? WHy on earth not?

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clam · 15/10/2011 10:13

Ok, well maybe not the pill then (I guess the doc will have her reasons) but something else that YOU can take responsibility for?

How much longer will you love him if he continues to whittle away at you like this.

If he isn't aware of what he's doing and you feel able to sit down and tell him some of your feelings, then it may be that he can change some of his behaviours.

Unfortunately, having been on these boards many years now, I suspect he knows exactly what he's doing and wants you exactly where he's got you: under his control.

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 10:15

katisha, i have high bp so he wont give me the pill, tbh I think he doesnt like the pill he said to me oh im not anti pill or anything? well to be that makes him anti pill for saying it ?

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Doha · 15/10/2011 10:16

Bollocks to the no contraception.....your GP might not give you the pill but he can give you something... Even the copper IUCD if he is worried about hormones.
OP you need to go back to your GP ASAP

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Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2011 10:19

Not normal. Not good. Not in this century in the Western world, at least.

OK, he spends money on the house instead of himself and he interacts with the children, so he isn't a total shit, but that doesn't make up for keeping you like a breeding sow in a firmly locked sty. I use that metaphor deliberately because he does seem to regard you more in the light of a pet or possession than a human being. What possible problem should it be for him if you have a coffee with a (female) friend? What does that take away from him? He keeps you pregnant and indoors. He's got you lying to your family about him. He'll be ever so sympathetic about your feelings, but you mustn't tell anyone except him about them. You couldn't even talk to the midwife about your own pregnancy. Isn't there something peculiar about that? Why did he think you couldn't speak for yourself? As for picking up the shopping, that's nice you might say, but in the context of everything else one has to wonder if it's another way of making sure you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone.

You know, there's a whole big world out there, and it is not natural for one person to get everything they need from only one other person. Human beings are social creatures. We interact. We co-operate. When we have problems we go to the appropriate expert. We may give the bulk of our emotional energy to our spouses and children but we also have friends, blood relatives, hobbies, social events... living in someone's pocket the whole time is just smothering and no, it ain't natural (although in some cultures I understand it's all too common).

Women are human beings too, you know, even after having babies!

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clam · 15/10/2011 10:19

His feelings on this pill are irrelevant. If it's not suitable for you because of your bp, then he needs to explore other options.

7 kids in 14 years? Shock Are they all both of yours? Or from his/your previous relationships? Either way, I'm not surprised you haveh high blood pressure.

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CantBelieveImAskingThis · 15/10/2011 10:19

No it's not a normal relationship. On a practical level, get yourself to a family planning clinic and look at your contraception options. You could use the Coil, implant, depo injections and I think your GP is absolutely shite for not discussing these with you.

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Slacking9to5 · 15/10/2011 10:21

No its not normal its abusive. why do you not take control of ypur own body and get a coil or tje pill?

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Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2011 10:21

Mm, wonder what he'd say if you changed your GP?

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 10:29

clam yes they are all ours together,

I saw a new female gp for somthing else so might go back to her, all my gp went on about was getting steralised

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 10:34

One thing I feel sad to say is that when we first met and he was protective as I saw it,It made me feel safe secure because I had neaver had someone putting boundarys down before,no dad and a mum who let me do what I wanted to at age 14, I was out till all hours ect,so is all this my fault for letting him act this way and me liking it because it was what I wanted my whole life?

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Curiousmama · 15/10/2011 10:35

Gosh no not normal. Really Sad for you. Agree go to GP asap for coil. And ask for some counselling whilst there for yourself.

Were you very young when you met him? He really has you under control doesn't he? Be ready for waves when he realises you want some conrtol back. Also you may find you have emotional release and feel all to pot?

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Curiousmama · 15/10/2011 10:35

Control back

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yellowtang · 15/10/2011 10:39

I was 17

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holyShmoley · 15/10/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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clam · 15/10/2011 10:42

Hmm, so, giving him the benefit of the doubt for a moment, it may be that he thinks this is what you want. In which case, you need to start calmly asserting yourself a bit. How would that work, do you think?

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Curiousmama · 15/10/2011 10:44

Where does 14 come from?

Ok makes sense although it's still not right. Agree with clam.

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squeakytoy · 15/10/2011 10:46

If he doesnt want any more children, and I honestly do think 7 is more than enough for any family.. then why does he not get the snip?

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