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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Being abused by dad as a child

36 replies

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:01

Sorry didnt know where else to post. Just needed a few kind words and support .

I was abused as a child by him, he touched me and made me do things to him. I have learnt to live with it, and leave it in the past, except its all being dragged up, as the police are building a case against him, I want to talk to me, I just cant drag it up again and certainly dont want to go to court and have to face him.
I just want them to leave me alone, I hate feeling like this

OP posts:

Report

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:02

and want to talk to me - sorry

OP posts:

zippy539 · 15/10/2011 01:03

No advice, just bumping because someone else will be able to help. So, so sorry this happened to you. :(

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:06

Thank you for that zippy, please tell me you cant click on my name, as I have namechanged

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 15/10/2011 01:07

I dont have any experience in this at all, but my gut feeling is that while I totally understand how you dont want to go to court and bring all this back up, it will help to give it some closure perhaps.

Would the police offer some sort of counselling to you, and allow you to do your bit in court via a screen so that you dont have to face him perhaps?

He shouldnt be able to get away with what he has done to you, and you shouldnt have to "learn to live with it" either.. that must be an awfully heavy thing to carry around, but perhaps seeing him receive punishment may be some sort of help to you.

I am sure someone who knows more about this will be along though who can give much better advice than anything I can say.

zippy539 · 15/10/2011 01:09

No - can't click on on your name .

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:11

Squeaky this is thing its only because they are dragging it up that I have to think about it, if they left me be, then I can carry on with my life.

I have my own kids to think about and do not need this interrupting my life iykwim

OP posts:

zippy539 · 15/10/2011 01:11

Justwant2 - this might be crass and totally inappropriate while we're waiting for someone with experience to come along but from your brief posts so far you sound incredibly sorted so somehow I feel that you're going to work this out to the best whatever you decide.

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:12

Thanks for letting me know zippy

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 15/10/2011 01:14

so sorry you are going through this

I can offer advice off board if you want to message me xxx

steelchic · 15/10/2011 01:17

Hi I agree with Zippy, sorry don't have any experience but you do sound sorted. Your kinds are very lucky to have such a strong mum. Deal with this in your own way. I'm sure there is help out there if needed. But, If your ok carry on as you are xxx

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:20

Thanks Notan, would you mind if I message you tomorrow, as I am going to go to bed soon.

Exactly zippy I had it sorted. I have been getting on with my life, only to have this bombshell thrown at me

OP posts:

Justwant2leaveit · 15/10/2011 01:22

Thanks steel, I have coped up til now, and just dont want this, It's not fair on me, my kids or dh

OP posts:

zippy539 · 15/10/2011 01:29

Justwant2 - sleep well. Hopefully NotanOtter and others will be able to give you some more hard-won experience and advice. You're not alone in this one.

tb · 15/10/2011 09:18

The thing is, even if you decide not to talk to the police, being asked to has dragged it all up, anyway iyswim.

I went to the police 2 years ago about my own childhood abuse, and they were absolutely brilliant. Honestly, they couldn't have been kinder. Unfortunately, it was too late to do anything against 2 people, and the third was too old, so it didn't go to court.

Good luck with what you decide, but as others have said, it would give closure, and give you a 'voice' that you didn't have when younger.

Xales · 15/10/2011 11:03

It was my step-father not my father in my case. There was never any court case. He died years ago but there have been comments made over the years about him being the father of one of his nieces eldest child plus other sorts of things.

I do wonder now if this had been dealt with earlier if more young girls would have been protected from this monster and less lives damaged. I feel a little regret for never doing anything and I live with what happened to me too.

There is clearly more that he has done to others or else the police would not know and would not be asking you to give evidence now. Be strong and do this. You may save someone not as strong as yourself who can't just live with it.

I would say take full advantage of the system go through with it and also use the system to get support and help for yourself. You shouldn't have to live with this.

Good luck.

Xales · 15/10/2011 11:05

should add even if you don't do this. Someone has been talking to the police and people will be looking at you and will think they know what happened to you.

Better to have your say so they know the truth and don't just look at you sideways.

HerScaryness · 15/10/2011 23:17

Justwant2leave it. You say you have coped up to know.

COPED.

I know this will be painful, but in the short term, once you have said what you need to say, once you have allowed the little girl to tell what has been done to her, you will start to heal. This stuff is unresolved and hidden inside of you.

Deal with it once and for all, then you will be truly FREE of it. The support is there for you now, the police and the courts do have the resources and training to do this. What this man did to you must not go unpunished.

We are all with you love, whatever you need.

((Hugs))

garlicScaresVampires · 15/10/2011 23:27

I agree. Now you are coping but, with one last push, you can get this thing resolved and tied up. It will be better to have done it properly.
Have you talked to the police yet? Have they offered you any support?

Tyr · 15/10/2011 23:40

I don't think you can ever fully recover until you go through with it and face him, albeit with help and support which the police should help with.
If they are already building a case against him, are there others giving evidence against him?
It will be harrowing in the short term. This organisation might be of use and they keep a directory of other support services:

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php

LovingChristmas · 16/10/2011 14:43

HI Just Want2

A few years ago now I made the decision to go to the police about what my uncle had done for years to me as a child, I was the same as you and "coped" with it, however after it was done (he got 18months and most importantly 10 years on sex offenders register) I went from coping, to it being closure.

I felt I could sleep easy knowing I had stopped someone else potentially going through some harrowing events that are there in your life forever and can be triggered by small insignificant things.

The police were absolutely amazing, and my DH had nothing to do with the police side of things at all (my request) I felt I could do it and relay everything to a stranger so long as no one close heard all the details, I asked for female officers and it's worth asking if the force have a SOLO (sex offencers Liaison officer) as she dealt with CID, courts and everything, any questions all came through her.
You can request a screen in court so you don't have to see him, and I had told everyone who supported me that I wanted no one in court to hear it, I could then section it off from my current life and just close an unpleasant chapter in my life forever (He pleaded guilty before I got to court so can't say what the experience was like) however I think in historical cases if CPS take it, it means they believe they have a good chance of winning it.

If you want to talk offline PM me, I know how alone this can feel in RL when people want to support you but don't know how.

Proudnscary · 16/10/2011 15:17

Justwant2 - I have no pearls of wisdom to add - all I'd say is while I suspect everyone on here is absolutely right re getting closure, potentially protecting others and getting justice...you have to do what your gut tells you.
You've been through enough without feeling unnecessary pressure or guilt.
And I am so very sorry that this happened to you.

tryinghardtounderstand · 17/10/2011 11:10

I agree with HerScaryness. Working through what happened to you as a child, with a professional, will be hard but it will mean that you can finally move on.

DH was abused by his father, and never dealt with it. He did his best to block it out of his mind and really believed I think that he was no longer affected by it. In his case some of the behaviours he learned to deal with the pain at the time became self-defeating behaviours as an adult, almost causing our marriage to end.

A phsycologist or a counsellor will help you work through what happened to you, and how this may continue to affect the choices you make today, allowing you to fully recover and stop your father continuing to have power over you

Good luck with everything

buttonspoon · 17/10/2011 20:10

I'm so sorry this happened to you and you are so brave to have survived it and got on with your life. I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to relive this or go over it all again. It must have been a terrible shock that it has all resurfaced and that the police want to talk to you about it.

Is there a reason the police are bringing it up now? Did he also abuse someone else? Is there any chance he could do it again to someone else? I know these are hard questions, but it's something that many abuse survivors think about when deciding what to do. They can cope with what happened to them, but the idea it might happen to another child makes some people want to stop the person that abused them.

Have you thought about talking to someone independently who could help you talk it through? Talking really would help and they'd be able to tell you what is likely to happen with the police investigation. It might help you more than you think. This website might help you - National Association for people abused in childhood.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. You should be very proud of everything you have achieved and the person you have become.

potbellyqueen · 17/10/2011 20:42

I was abused by my father when I was a child. I didn't tell anyone until my DD was born, I felt then that I had to do it to protect her. He pleaded not guilty, so I had to go to court and testify (and be accused of making it up for attention). He was found guilty, sentenced to 5 years in prison and has to remain on the sex offenders register for life. He's out of prison now, which terrifies me because he's also violent, but he doesn't know where I live and isn't allowed to try and contact me, so I try to get on with my life.

The police were slow to get things moving, but once they did they were kind and quite thoughtful. I hated going to court - I didn't have a screen or anything, I just made sure I didn't look at him. I wasn't offered any counselling by the police, that's something I'm trying to organise now, but waiting lists are pretty horrendous. I didn't think I wanted to talk to anyone about, I thought the court case would provide 'closure' but it hasn't.

I tried just ignoring it and carrying on with my life, and for a long time I was fine, or at least I thought I was. Now I feel like this huge shadow has been hanging over me, it's making me feel worse and worse, and I think maybe talking to someone about it properly will help me to really feel better, rather than just acting like I'm OK. PM me if you want to talk about it. It's not an easy decision to make.

NotnOtter · 17/10/2011 22:15

potbelly poor you how terrible but let's hope things will continue to get better

did you not want a screen?

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