Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In-laws making my life a misery.

(33 Posts)
MrsRigby Fri 14-Oct-11 23:29:11

Here we go again, yet another thread about the same thing.

I just can't get past what was said, I am so angry and hurt. I've cried every day since I last saw them and live in fear of the next time I see them, which will probably be Sunday or next weekend.

The thing is, I don't really think this is the problem anymore, I think the problem is DH and the fact that he is not giving me any support. I am so angry at him for not supporting me and that has lead to resentment and lack of trust. I don't want to be with a man who lets his parents verbally abuse me and then when I try to explain why I feel the way I feel, have him trivialise what I'm feeling.

Things are so bad, that it looks like we are heading for divorce. We don't speak, txt or email during the day. In the evenings he has started going out for a walk and then we either sit quiet in the same room, or as in the case of tonight, sit in different rooms. He goes to bed at 10pm and I stay up past midnight.

I get the impression that sooner or later, there will be another fall out with the in-laws, that once again he will let them attack me and that together they will push me out of the family whilst trying to take my children.

Of course, this sounds really paranoid, I know it does, but it really does worry me that thats what is going on.

It feels like they want to try and make a case that I'm mentally unstable and unfit to care for my own children. Why else would they keep telling me I need help, everytime I see them, why would the mother-in-law ask me if I am seeing a doctor.

I don't know what I'm expecting to gain out of yet another thread, after searching the internet and trying to speak to a colleague, it seems I'm on my own. It feels like no one cares about how I'm feeling. I just don't know what to do.

DH say's he doesn't want to divorce, but he is not really making much effort to stop it going down that route and neither am I. He has suggested councelling, but I don't want this.

And so here I sit, alone and crying, safe in the knowledge that I'm probably going to get divorced and lose my children to my husband and his parents.

izzywhizzysfritenite Fri 14-Oct-11 23:32:09

Apologies if I've got this wrong, but did you post recently on the subject your ILs and how you were expecting an apology for their behaviour last Christmas?

buzzskeleton Fri 14-Oct-11 23:39:19

You're pretty unlikely to lose your dc.

Why not get some proper legal advice about where you stand, so you can stop fearing this outcome, and make some plans for divorce if it happens?

MrsRigby Fri 14-Oct-11 23:39:46

I have posted recently about the in-laws, but I'm not expecting an apology. I don't know about the Christmas thing, you may have me mixed up with another poster.

MrsRigby Fri 14-Oct-11 23:44:12

I feel like I'm going to lose the children as my husband and his parents have each others support.

I don't really know how to go about getting legal advice, what would I say without sounding more stupid than I already do. I don't think I could speak to someone without crying anyway.

I know this sounds very stupid and paranoid.

I should just pretend it never happened, forgive and forget.

buzzskeleton Fri 14-Oct-11 23:51:47

You can make an appointment with CAB, or see if there's a family law solicitor locally who does a free initial half-hour consultation. All you need to say is that you're worried that your relationship may break down and ask what would happen if it did, and what you should look to achieve regarding custody and finances.

Crying is ok, and you could take in a list of questions so that you ask what you need to know.

izzywhizzysfritenite Sat 15-Oct-11 00:01:42

My apologies - my memory has been like Swiss cheese lately blush

Does your last post on this issue contain more information as to the dynamics are between your ILs, dh, and yourself? If so, can you link it to this thread, or give some idea of when you posted and I'll to find it so that you don't have to go over old ground.

squeakytoy Sat 15-Oct-11 00:09:18

DH say's he doesn't want to divorce, but he is not really making much effort to stop it going down that route and neither am I. He has suggested councelling, but I don't want this

What exactly DO you want though?

Why not go to the doctor, and get the doctor to confirm that you are not mentally unwell?

What is it that makes them think you are unwell, what are their reasons for worrying about you?

I am not having a go, or being unsympathetic, but I remember your last thread, and some of the things from your past were horrific, and you said that you had never sought any sort of help to get over them either.

Please dont be afraid of counsellors, they really are there to help you. At least give it a try, and it may make the world of difference to your self confidence, and you will feel much stronger and able to deal with anyone who you feel is currently trying to undermine you or bully you.

MrsRigby Sat 15-Oct-11 00:09:35

I had mumsnet delete the last 2 threads as I posted in AIBU and got a fair bit of nastyness.

MrsRigby Sat 15-Oct-11 00:21:31

I want my husband to give me support and to try and understand why I'm so angry and hurt. Maybe, to have a word with his parents, so that they know they can't say the things they have been saying to me.

Why should I go to the doctor? There is nothing wrong with me. I work in a hospital and deal with doctors and nurses on a daily basis, none of them has ever insinuated I might need help - unlike my mother-in-law.

They don't give reasons as to why they think I need help. They just keep telling me I need help, I say I don't, they say I do, I say I don't, they say everyone needs help. I have no idea why the mother-in-law asked if I was seeing a doctor.

Yes, things have happened to me in the past, and yes, I've never got any help, because I didn't need any help. It is in the past and that is where it is going to stay.

maras2 Sat 15-Oct-11 00:22:25

I wasn't nasty at all in fact I was very nice but you have taken no notice of mine or anyone elses advice.In fact you have been downright rude to a lot of posters and have insulted my religion several times.I do feel sad that you are so upset but you keep saying that you don't need help,so why post again?

squeakytoy Sat 15-Oct-11 00:26:17

It sounds like stalemate though. Both of you convinced you are right, and neither willing to budge.

Relationship counselling with a neutral third party would probably be very beneficial.

If your husband agrees with his parents that maybe you are over anxious, too easily stressed, or not coping well with things, then it is going to be difficult to get him to back you up against his parents. But in a room with a neutral person who can listen fairly to both sides, you may be able to reach some sort of balance, and be able to move on from this.

Getting help really is not a sign of weakness, if anything it is a sign of strength.

MrsRigby Sat 15-Oct-11 00:28:01

I haven't accused you personally of being nasty.

I have taken note of what everyone is saying.

How have I been rude?

I take it you are catholic? Yes, I probably have insulted your religion.

I don't need the medical type of help, what I need and want is someone to talk to, because I don't have any friends or family or god. That is why I am posting again.

usualsuspect Sat 15-Oct-11 00:30:32

I don't think MN can help you tbh -

squeakytoy Sat 15-Oct-11 00:33:35

All of us want to try and help you MrsR, but we cant make your husband change his attitude.. we can only try and advise you what you could do. And we also only have one side of this. I am NOT saying that you are lying, or that you are wrong, but your In Laws and your husband could be seeing something completely different to what you believe you are behaving like.

A counsellor, or even a GP in real life WOULD be able to do this. Go with your husband, to your GP, get your GP to confirm to your husband that you are absolutely fine. He can then go back to his parents and say "MrsR has seen the doctor, and the doctor says she is absolutely ok".

I know you shouldnt HAVE to do this, because you feel fine, but surely it would lay it to rest and you can then go forwards with your husband support too.

A GP may be a medical person, but they are also there to help with life in general, and if your life is getting you down as much as you say, then give it a go.. what is the worst that could happen??

buzzskeleton Sat 15-Oct-11 00:35:14

A good counsellor would help you sort out your feelings, to help you decide what you want and how to achieve it. If you've no-one you feel you can talk to in RL, then it really would be a good option. Undertaking counselling would not affect your likelihood of keeping the dc if there were a split: that you were addressing any problems would tell in your favour, while refusing treatment (if you needed it) would tell against you.

SeoraeMaeul Sat 15-Oct-11 00:50:56

Maybe call them a 'mediator' if the thought of counseling is so hard for you to accept
If you don't want a divorce, your husband doesn't want a divorce but you can't get past this issue then you do need some one to mediate and help you two find a solution.Don't second guess what that might be.
You have to ask yourself if your husband said 'I'm leaving tomorrow unless we see someone' then would you really still refuse? Cos if you would then you've definitely got bigger problems than your in laws

AmorYCohetes Sat 15-Oct-11 01:08:26

I agree with squeakytoy. You need to try something different. Like the saying goes, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

mynewpassion Sat 15-Oct-11 01:17:04

What did your colleague say when you presented her with the situation?

Your DH is offering you an olive branch about needing relationship counseling for the both of you to get your marriage on track. Why are you not considering it? Do you not think that your marriage is a worthwhile effort? Its just not your ILs that are causing problems in your marriage. They are just a symptom of a bigger problem.

I would seriously consider going for marriage counseling. If you won't consider it, then it might as well be divorce since neither one of you seem to want to give in. Or if they give in, then they will always feel like they have to give in.

onwardandupwards Sat 15-Oct-11 01:18:38

Get some legal advice, cant imagine what it feels like to feel u might lose your children (which u wont) get strong i know its easier said than done x

Kayano Sat 15-Oct-11 10:29:35

What else can he do except suggest counselling at this point? You both need to talk it out and having a 3rd party there might help?

He suggested it so that's a good sign, why refuse?

holyShmoley Sat 15-Oct-11 11:09:46

Is your MIL then one that says things like 'you wouldn't know how to be a good mother'. That is quite a hostile thing to say, so you need to find assertive ways of handling it. That means setting boundaries about what is acceptable. Presumably she has a few favoured themes so prepare your responses, such as 'it is very rude to comment on another persons parenting, I'd hate us to fall out over it'. Look her straight in the eye. Think through what they can say and have a prepared phrase.

Your othr comment about understanding why you're so angry has the implication that you are entitled to be and that those aroubd you should put up with it is troubling to me.

waterrat Sat 15-Oct-11 11:15:24

OP, I've had counselling - it was really great. It didn't mean there was something 'wrong' with me - it just helped me deal with the world better and work out where my thought patterns were unhelpful to me. You say he is doing nothing to stop the slide to divorce - but relationship counselling IS a step to help your relationship. You might find it a real comfort to have someone listen to you while he is by your side and hears how upset you are about the family issues. The counsellor will make sure your views are heard by him - and if it doesn't work - then nothing has been lost. They are just there to mediate between the two of you - and yes, you would have to listen to him too. Give it a go.

branson Sat 15-Oct-11 11:21:05

You need counseling. Not because there is something wrong with you but because you need someone impartial to talk to about the situation you have found yourself in. I don't understand your stubbornness about not having counseling. Its like you think its only for nut jobs.

NonnoMum Sat 15-Oct-11 11:23:01

One minute you say you don't need counselling, the next minute you say you just need someone to talk to???

Can you see why people are confused by your posts?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now