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Friend with Borderline Personailty Disorder

(11 Posts)
moonriver Fri 14-Oct-11 20:12:25

Really hope some of you lovely ladies can give me some advice here smile

She is extremely manipulative, controlling and has a very short, agressive temper that she loses whenever things don`t go her way.

She has done some really awful things to me in the past- the latest was sending cards to my OH, making out they were from another woman and making out that he was about to dump me. There were some pretty nasty things said about me in them too. She deinied it was her, but I know it was her by the writing!

She effectively ended a relationship I had years ago before I got with OH, by telling him that I had taken drugs the night before. He had every reason to believe her, as they had known each other for years and years and we`d only been together for six months or so. He told me that although he would have never have thought that I`d take drugs, he also couldn`t see why someone he` d known and trusted most of his life would lie to him.

There`s other stuff too, like arranging to meet me and not turning up, never being thereShe`s when I need support, lots of other minor things that I could list but simply don`t have the energy.

She`s done some really bizzare things to other people too. She once pooed in a tupperware box and left it outisde a neighbours house after they complained about her being too noisy at 3 in the morning. She has smashed her house up numrerous times. She self harms (a lot). She has just one other friend, who also has issues and whose behaviour can also be downright odd.

I know people are probably wondering why I`m still friends with her, but I`m finding it really hard to break away from her. She never used to be like this, its only in the past few years thats shes been acting this way. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of how she used to be, (a really lovely person) but thats very rare now. It`s like shes turning into someone else. And that someone is downright nasty.

She`s just receantly been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Is this typical behavior? I really don`t want to offen anyone on here who has the condtion. How much of this can be put down to that? Do I just walk away? She has pushed most of her family away due to her behaviour and I would feel bad about cutting off contact with her, as mad as that sounds. I want to try and help her but its draining me trying to be friends with her at the moment.

Sorry about the long post, and I hope at least some of this makes sense smile

GypsyMoth Fri 14-Oct-11 20:14:13

My ex h has bpd it's exhausting

But is she now taking medication to help?

moonriver Fri 14-Oct-11 20:21:51

She`s refusing to take it- says it makes her `feel weird` sad

DontGoCurly Sat 15-Oct-11 14:33:22

Her behaviour would be consistant with the disorder alright. She is sick and that is what is making her do these things. There's growing evidence that the disorder is biological. But strong boundaries are still needed by friends and family. The biggest misconception about it is the person enjoys drama and enjoys manipulating people. They don't, they often are in a lot of mental anguish. I'd say the only thing you can do is be a friend with conditions. Explain to her that she needs to be taking her medication and going to whatever therapy is recommended by her Docs, otherwise you don't want to be around her.

FabbyChic Sat 15-Oct-11 14:42:29

No it is not typical behaviour I have BPD and I'd never treat a woman like that, she sounds low functioning, there are two bands.

Mine does affect my emotional relationships but I'd never intentionally hurt a friend.

Your friend is treating you like she would a partner. She is jealous of any relationship you have that does not involve her.

Sorry to say this but you have to distance yourself from her and no longer consider yourself a friend.

We do have choices not all that we do is driven by BPD, she has overstepped boundaries that should never be overstepped.

Conflugenghoulgen Sat 15-Oct-11 18:18:36

Instead of focussing on your friend's diagnosis, have you thought about exploring what it is that keeps you tied to her - the choices you are making, how you feel about things? Whether she is BPD or not, you are essentially maintaining a friendship that is damaging to you. That might be a better place to start.

moonriver Sat 15-Oct-11 19:20:55

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

I guess it`s because I`ve known her a long time (10 years plus) and she used to be, and at times still can be, such a lovely person. I do feel for her as she`s gone through a lot of the same things as I have (abused as a child, lost babies) and sometimes it feels like she is the only one who understands how I feel about these things.

My OH has suggested that maybe she is jeleous that I`ve seemingly coped better with these things? Or is that just an awful thing to say??

As I said, she really only has one other friend, she is in a long term relationship but has many issues with that too. I would feel like I`m abaddoning (sp?) her in a way.

I geninely do care about her despite it all, I just want my old friend back.

tranquilitygardens Sat 15-Oct-11 19:45:43

Hi OP, at a vounerable time in my life and my older friends and I lived far away from one another and they were settled and happy with families etc.... it was when I became a single parent. I started to make new friends in the same position I was then in, and made some bad choices.

I had never come across or heard of this condition before that. During the space of a year, two of the new friends I made (independant of one another) and about a year after I met them they told me they had BPD. I am no longer friends with either of them.

I found they made my life more difficult at a vounerable time for me, and I can't see myself being friends with either of them again.

I agree that they were ill ladies, and they couldn't help it, their lives were never going to change. I don't think that there is a cure for BPD is there?

Ariana86 Sat 15-Oct-11 22:19:53

I have BPD (diagnosed last year), also OCD, chronic Clinical Depression & Epilepsy. Happily i have good stable friendships.
I like & value my friends & colleagues. They seem to feel the same about me.
I need lots of reassurance; i can get paranoid or too sensitive, & tend to misread people or constantly try to guess what they think of me. I find it so hard not to take things personally.
I've hidden these feelings & behaviours for years but it's they're so exhausting.
My mood changes quickly from high to low.
I tend to get low when i'm alone, or if i feel i've upset someone.
When I get depression i can lose touch with reality.
I get overwhelmed by daily tasks & have some memory loss.
I do (rarely) get agitated or aggressive.
I self harm, can be suicidal, & binge eat - i'm trying to overcome all that.
My psychologist has referred me to a specialist PD clinic. She's helped me repair my relationship with my sister.
Unlike my friends i took my sister for granted & upset her a lot - often not realising why. But i have NEVER behaved like your friend! OP - it seems that your friend takes it for granted that you will be there however badly she behaves.
You need to tell her she can't do that.
You should make sure that she's not just using her BPD as an excuse for bullying you.
Re: meds - i take Venlafaxine as an Anti-D (very good).
Due to side effects i'm coming off Epilim (as mood stabiliser & anti-convulsant.
I'm taking a better anti-convulsant). The psychiatrist wants to 'see what happens' before prescribing a new mood stabiliser!!
I'm scared as i was quite aggressive before i took it. As i've reduced the dose i feel more alive & can't stop talking.
So i've asked my manager & my family to get help if they think i'm unwell - sadly i'm often the last to realise.
Thankfully i'm surrounded by lovely family & friends who've been very supportive - as has my employer (so far).
But i'm lucky (!!) in that my BPD makes me so scared of being alone that i'm careful not to alienate the people i like.

moonriver Thu 20-Oct-11 15:58:16

Thanks everyone for their helpful replies.

Since I first posted a few other issues have come up and I have realised I do need to walk away, before she does my head in.

Only prob is, she has spare keys to my house, which obviously I need back. She can get quite agressive so am a tad nervous...how pathetic am I? Lol

Wish me luck x

Pakdooik Thu 20-Oct-11 17:01:33

moon change the locks if you have to

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