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Is DH trying to ruin my court case?

(23 Posts)
roastedsnake Fri 14-Oct-11 15:16:50

This is really hard. DH and I are embroiled in a horrible, lengthy and expensive legal battle with my XH/DD's father. I'd rather not go into the details of the legal battle (it's to do with contact), but I am acting to protect my child.

Anyway. Three times, at pivotal moments, DH has 'accidentally' done something to sabotage our case. On the first occasion, the day before we were due to go to court, he accidentally forwarded to my solicitor a conversation he and I were having about the solicitor. As a result the solicitor said they no longer wanted to act for me and I had to find someone new in under 24 hours, it was awful.

The weekend before DD's CAFCASS interview he was horrible to her. I am sure this was reported during her interview, especially as it's so unusual - they are normally inseperable. He's been around since she was tiny.

And now, just a week before the final hearing, he has gotten drunk and been arrested for drink driving. This is of course playing right into the other side's hands and could lose the case for me. Of course I am absolutely furious with him for drink driving, which is an atrocious thing to do anyway. But I am honestly suspicious about the timing this time. He has never ever done anything like that before.

I appreciate that he is probably stressed but I am so upset I cannot look at him. He is not being especially contrite either.

I don't know if I am reacting to this stress too, by turning this into something he is doing to me/on purpose rather than an unfortunate coincidence. I am blind with rage and would throw him out in a heartbeat if all this wasn't going on.

Do you think he might be subconsciously trying to fuck up the court case? I have asked if he's feeling stressed or would like to talk to someone and he says no.

GypsyMoth Fri 14-Oct-11 15:19:48

How could he? Your court case has NOTHING to do with him?

He won't be sitting in court with you will he

roastedsnake Fri 14-Oct-11 15:20:53

Yes he will be, of course he will be. He has PR and has raised DD since she was a toddler. The case is me and DH answering XH.

roastedsnake Fri 14-Oct-11 15:22:19

And even if it wasn't, of course it is to do with him, it has been a huge thing in our lives for a year and is very stressful.

GypsyMoth Fri 14-Oct-11 15:24:33

So your ex hands over PR and has now taken you back to court?

Why would H sabotage anything anyway?

kelly2000 Fri 14-Oct-11 15:55:06

Have you spoken to him about it?

Hassled Fri 14-Oct-11 15:59:16

One of those things could have been an accident/bad timing. Two of them - again, maybe. But three things like that? I can see why you're suspicious.

But are these events/actions interspersed with events/actions where he has been supportive and helpful? How many supportive vs unsupportive?

roastedsnake Fri 14-Oct-11 16:08:20

I have spoken to him about it yes. He says it's just a coincidence.

Hassled Yes, exactly. He is usually supportive. He is paying, for a start. He has been great at holding my hand through what is a horrible process. I was wondering if his 'accidents' are a way of voicing a subconscious resentment about it all. He's been great to me (but of course all these actions have negative consequences for me).

unavailable Fri 14-Oct-11 16:31:07

"On the first occasion, the day before we were due to go to court, he accidentally forwarded to my solicitor a conversation he and I were having about the solicitor. As a result the solicitor said they no longer wanted to act for me and I had to find someone new in under 24 hours,"

Was your dh uncomfortable at the instructions you were giving your solicitor?

HerScaryness Fri 14-Oct-11 18:45:03

Is this some weird Münchhausen's thing but with legal stuff instead of medical? He's not keeping you sick, he's keeping you stressed and grateful to him (for paying for it)

You need to consider WHAT ON EARTH he can gain by doing this.

What if you lose, what happens? You end up having to hand the DD over to him for increased contact? Presently there is none? You want/need to keep it that way for the sake of your DD? If she goes to him for access visits, he'll have more time to spend with you and any DC you have with him.

You need to be very suspicious of this guy, once is unfortunate, albeit a deliberate act of sending something that had no business being forwarded to anyone to the very worst recipient it could have been.

I assume it was an email conversation you had with your H. Who instigated that conversation, who instigated the actual thread of the controversial conversation? If he raised the contentious subject, or inflamed it....

Twice is suspicious, this drink driving thing is just ludicrous.

How long have you been with this H? Your instinct it trying to tell you something here, listen.

I think you need to continue this legal fight without your 'D'H, he seems to be at best, a liability. Your daughter could potentially be made to suffer because of this man.

HerScaryness Fri 14-Oct-11 18:46:29

disclaimer: I am a cynical old witch. grin

solidgoldbrass Fri 14-Oct-11 18:49:55

There is definitely something strange going on here. Have a think about the H's behaviour in general, before this started happening: have there been quite a few 'unfortunate coincidences' in your life together? Or do you sometimes think you are going mad?

bottlebank Fri 14-Oct-11 19:02:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notlettingthefearshow Fri 14-Oct-11 19:15:30

I can't imagine what he would gain by doing these things on purpose. But it is worrying behaviour and would be alarm bells for me regardless of the consequences. Is it out of character for him?

HerScaryness Fri 14-Oct-11 19:16:28

He's getting some kind of emotional pay-off somewhere. Keep thinking, keep your eyes and your mind open.

FabbyChic Fri 14-Oct-11 19:19:17

You changed ID's during a thread?

I do think it is coincidence and him just not thinking.

snoopdogg Fri 14-Oct-11 19:23:36

These are just my 'top of my head' musings:

Have you lived with this situation throughout your entire relationship? If so is there some sort of mental struggle going on for him connected to finally resolving matters? Once it's done, it's done. Does he have sub-concious fears about how this might change the dynamic of your relationship? Could he have reservations about his role in your dd's life?

Not quite to the degree of HerScaryness proposes but maybe an internal struggle he probably isn't even aware of?

babyhammock Fri 14-Oct-11 20:22:35

Dunno, I'm more with Herhissy.... these aren't small errors, these are major direction changing fuckups... and OMG at the timing shock

I'm a cynical old thing too

Oh dear...another cynic here.

2rebecca Fri 14-Oct-11 23:09:38

Perhaps as a man he thinks your daughter should have more contact with her father?
Does he have an alcohol problem? Drunk driving is so socially unacceptable these days that most drunk drivers are alcoholics who have difficulty having just 1 drink or abstaining. An alcohol problem would explain his tendency to do stupid things, if these are the only incidences though then the timing sounds as though he wants your daughter to see her father more, or enjoys seeing you get in a tizz.
I would discuss these. The first 2 could be coincidences, drunk driving is rarely an accident though.

2rebecca Fri 14-Oct-11 23:12:02

Why change id during a thread that you only started today? Makes it harder to follow what is going on.

GypsyMoth Fri 14-Oct-11 23:18:30

I want know how your ex agreed to new H having PR!!! He's clearly not v happy now

LancsDad Fri 14-Oct-11 23:19:00

1st sounds possible to me if was he "Accidentally on purpose" letting the sol know you had doubts about them.

2nd and 3rd sound like stress getting to him.

Getting done "on purpose" seems too far fetched to me. He was relying on being caught by 3rd party he had no control over and there is so much at stake personally from a drink drive conviction - driving ban, significant fine, even possibly jail if enough over the limit. And that's all after having done something to catch the cops eye in the first place.

You both sound, very understandably, stressed out and the thing that will most benefit your X is if you turn on each other.

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