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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

You were all right.....broken

86 replies

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 10:18

my H has been avoiding discussing his EA so much so that I actually considered getting a sim reader to try and uncover myself what had been going on.
Last night I gave him the ultimation discuss it or go....bet you can't guess whats coming :(
God this is so hard..I don't know what to do I really don't. I am so alone I have no RL friends nearby at all. I went mental, went round to see OW chucked the phone bills at her, told her husband that she had been sleeping with my H, (i wish I hadn't now, thank gods I was very calm and not fishwifey like at all :)) I kicked him out and told him I want a divorce. I really thought it was just an EA that got a bit touchy feely, never did I think he would shag some OW down some scanky lane (Classy!) repeatedly. Whoever in my first post that said about her waiting in the loo wasn't far off she waited round the back of the pub. This isn't the first time she's done this according to gossip, the family moved into our village because she had done it before and her husband wanted a fresh start. Poor bloke :(
What do I do...I have being devouring advice for affair threads on here for weeks and now its actually happened I feel dead...
I might not answer straight away DC2 is poorly so lookng after him but please help me get through today..

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JosStarship · 14/10/2011 10:19

thats all a bit waffly and full of typos..sorry

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PeppermintPumpkin · 14/10/2011 10:27

I'm so so sorry this has happened. I didn't see your previous posts I don't think, but you won't be alone on here. I think you did a courageous thing-you may not feel that now, but to give him an ultimatum and act on it, that's brave and right. I'm so sorry though that you feel dead and numb. You'll be all over the place for a while I imagine. There will be loads of people who will offer you great practical advice but look, have a bloody big hug for now xxxxxx

Justlostitwithhim · 14/10/2011 10:29

Oh God, that is terrible. I really feel for you - I can't imagine what you're going through. My husband has been unfaithful via the internet but not in RL (I don't think) and that has been soul destroying enough. It's a shame your boy is poorly today but I'm glad you aren't alone. Has your husband gone to her? How did her husband react? Could you talk to him - perhaps it would help. I don't know what else to suggest really. Maybe your parents could come and help out - you really shouldn't be alone. I will be thinking of you and your children today and I am sending you lots of hugs. I'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon.

loserface · 14/10/2011 10:30

:( no advice but didnt want to read and run.
At least you now know whats been going on and have left the loser, things can only get better.

iwantbrie · 14/10/2011 10:35

Same as loserface, no advice just not reading & running. You poor love but even though I missed your other threads you've done the right thing. Be strong. xx

Justlostitwithhim · 14/10/2011 10:38

Forgot to add that you have been marvellously brave, just wish you hadn't been forced to be .

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 10:41

Thanks for replies. Just No don't think hes gone to her, shes married with kids aswell. I suspect he'll have gone to his parrents. Her husband just stood there with his mouth open and said "oh right" -I really shouldn't of done that I feel awful as I left I said a really flippant remark like happy reading or something which isn't very nice or helpful. Also I never went into much deatil just told him they'd slept together I was very polite too polite perhaps I was also aware that their child might be around so was trying being quiet. I have to go past their house every morning this morning I drove past and broke down how am I going to deal with this. We live a small village I cannot avoid these situations..it's all so shit...:( thanks again for replies.

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Zanywany · 14/10/2011 10:55

I really feel for you JosS. Don't feel awful for telling the OW husband, if she hadn't done the things she did then there would have been nothing to tell him so the blame is on her and you H.
You have been very brave and the next few days/weeks will be hard but you will get through it. Hope your DC2 feels better soon

Landedgentry · 14/10/2011 11:06

I was on your last thread and I'm glad you've now got some truth. Unfortunately in these situations, people who get caught out will often admit to only the bare minimum.

You really shouldn't regret telling her husband either. I think she lied to you too, didn't she? Her husband has the right to know the truth, just as you do.

On this horrible morning for you, please celebrate your instincts. You knew something wasn't right didn't you? You so wanted to believe it was an EA but your gut told you otherwise. Acting on those instincts was the right thing to do and gives you back some control of this situation. Your husband was treating you like an idiot and in your actions last night, you have shown yourself to be anything but. Don't regret that, celebrate it, because it will stand you in good stead what ever happens in the future. It really would have been pointless trying to rebuild a relationship without the truth and I think you would always have known deep down that there were still secrets.

If I were you, I would decide what was your deal-breaker and this might take some thinking through. If your husband had been honest from the start about everything, would you have been willing to work things out? Or is it the fact that he lied to you repeatedly that has been the final straw?

HerScaryness · 14/10/2011 11:16

Love, please don't beat yourself up.

think about it, on some level if this was HIM finding out, but you in the dark, would you not prefer to know, at some point? Sure it's a shock, but that will pass, and the truth is best out. You deserve the truth and so does her H.

In a short while, you will be able to chuckle at this, you really will. You didn't take this lying down, you stood up and pulled the rug from under the pair of them. Well done!

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/10/2011 12:12

So sorry . I know too well how you must feel. Remember that your H's choices is a reflection of his own issues and how he is feeling about himself and not on you.

I would really recommend reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - there is a very good section about the trauma of discovery.

Be kind to your self x

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 12:41

I'm sorry . I remember your thread, it was me about the waiting behind . I'm so very sorry.

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 14:05

Sorry couldn't get back sooner. Little one is full of cold and suffering with it:( He's asleep now. LG yes she lied to me said how sorry she was, she was Just an ear and all that crap.
I dont know what i'm feeling right now...I told H that I needed to hear the whole sordid truth if we had any chance of rebuilding and now I've heard it I'm just heartbroken..I can't stop crying. I'm wishing them both dead, really I am. I don't want to have to face either of them ever again. He's destroyed our marriage for cheap sex. We've been together since we were 18, I'm nearly 40 now (perhaps this is the problem?) I loved that about us..that we met at college and I'd found the right bloke the first time Haha what a mug I am.
Madabout Yes I have the Shirley Glass book, I think you recomended it on my first thread..I had been pestering H to read it but he wouldn't. Guess it was too close for comfort. I will read that chapter again though now I know the whole story. Buzz nothing to be sorry for, infact it was your post that made me question my too easy acceptance of the shit lies i was hearing.

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countingto10 · 14/10/2011 14:24

Can I suggest you don't make any life changing decisions atm. I needed to curl up in a ball and just lick my wounds when I found out about DH's affair.

Don't beat yourself up over going over to hers, you were very respectful (considering everything ) and very mindful of their DC - don't forget she and your H have had no concern for your DC when they were getting their cheap shags in an alley (even more ). Nearly all men affair downwards and that certainly sounds the case in respect of your H - it is a sympton of their self-esteem issues etc. My DH's OW was as rough as you could get, I had the dubious pleasure of speaking to her (or rather she spouted a load of bile at me ("D"H had given her my mobile number as he was scared of her - quite unbelieveable).

It's one day at a time atm - so look after yourself and be very kind to yourself - get your H to babysit whilst you get your head done, go on a shopping spree etc. You have to be selfish now and it is down to your H to "walk the walk" not just talk the talk, you need to see some proper action, he needs to look into counselling for himself, cut all contact with OW, give you full and unfettered access to mobile, emails, facebook etc. Does sound a bit like a midlife thing but that is no excuse.....

Take care of yourself.

Hassled · 14/10/2011 14:30

You poor thing. I wish I had some words of advice for you - I just have bucketloads of sympathy. Just don't rush anything - take your time over everything, any decision.

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 14:33

Oh no Countingto10 other than her morals , he's upgraded himself very nicely. We live in a 2 up 2 down ex council house, she lives in the "big house" in the village. think shes gone for the bit of rough not him, and sorry counting had to have a little chuckle at your OH giving OW your number cos he was scared of her your right unbelieveable! Just going from feeling very numb to utterly heartbroken today,,have no idea at the moment of how to be kind to myself.

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JosStarship · 14/10/2011 14:40

Countingto10 or anyone else :), did your relationship survive, did you know straight away that you wanted to work at it or did it take time? Right now I want to march straight into the solicitors and get a divorce rolling.

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countingto10 · 14/10/2011 14:44

The most I could manage at times was a bubble bath and putting some makeup on - wouldn't give DH the satisfaction of seeing me in a mess. I even bought myself some flowers to cheer myself up one day.

And you are so wrong about upgrading himself, we all know what sort of woman she is (and so does her H and your H). Please do not think she is better than you. I think you have handled yourself in a very dignified way - my Dsis had to stop me making a fool of myself in the beginning and I am so glad she did now so OW couldn't make me out to be a mad woman.

In the beginning, it an literally be one minute at the time because the pain is almost unbearable - check out //www.beyoundaffairs.com helped me through some very tough days .

countingto10 · 14/10/2011 14:45

Should be //www.beyondaffairs.com

countingto10 · 14/10/2011 14:49

We are 2.5+ years down the line and stronger than ever . DH had a lot of issues and the affair was as low as he went in his self-destruction, it was the turning point for him when he realised he needed serious help. He moved to his parents fo about 4 months and we had loads of sessions at Relate and he has also been having some solo counselling for the last six months - has only felt really ready to deal with some things six months ago, one of the things being why he had the affair as it went against all he believed in and the OW was so minging that he shocked himself .

It takes a long time and much soul searching, have some counselling yourself to find out what you want as it is about you now.

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 14:51

I've kicked him out...should I have done this? God I don't know what to do or anything. What am I going to tell DCs when daddy isn't in for tea...
H is meassaging me constantly saying how sorry he is, he got swept away with the excitment of it all. Wants to come home for tea and baths and bedtime - I told him we were not going to play happy bloody families and he should of thought of that before getting bloody BJ's on the village green and cheap shags at the back of the pub!!!!

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JosStarship · 14/10/2011 14:55

Thanks counting , Unfortunately I can't say that my H has issues other than being a lying cheating shit of a husband. I'll check out that website though.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 14/10/2011 15:01

I remember going through lots of emotions in a short space of time - mainly anger, grief, shock and then a lot more anger. I could not think straight and had to ahve some space and time to process my thoughts. After several weeks, I decided to stay in the marriage, but made no guarantees that this would be what I wanted in the long term (I now want to though now that I know my H is truely remorseful and committed to me).

Like you I met my H when I was 18/19 and we have been together over 20 years so we had a lot of history, mostly good so that was a contributing factor to my decision to let him stay with me.

Its actions, not words that you need to be looking for from H while trying to decide what you want.

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 15:16

Thnaks Madabout your story sounds very familiar to mine. We did (i think anyway) have a good relationship up until about a year ago when he started distancing himself from me, we were arguing all time and I couldn't get to the bottom of it, in the end I decided we were goig through a rough patch but thought we would find our way through in time, and I stopped trying and just let things tick along. 6 months ago he started mentioning X and what fun she was with her H, I'd like them we should met up etc, etc, then nothing about them at all. Then the going out, staying late work started, the 2 hour dog walks and then my alarm bells started ringing. The rest is history, well it isn't its very mcuh today but you know what I mean.
So am I right to give myself some space..should I let him come round for tea witht he DC's I can't face him without wanting to punch him to be honest.

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JosStarship · 14/10/2011 15:18

going on school run now. thanks for your advice, I'll keep checking back when I can. :)

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