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How do I get over this?

(23 Posts)
richardarmitageismine Thu 13-Oct-11 23:35:11

I'd really like a neutral perspective on this issue in my marriage that is causing alot of resentment, all on my part, dh chooses to ignore it. We have 2 dds , after the 2nd one dh had the snip. He arranged this totally independantly, the only part of it that I was involved in was a conselling session, which now looking back seems abit of a blur. I had a v traumatic second birth, and there were concerns I had dvt, and the doctor told me if I did my chances of surviving were v low. I remember sitting in bed in the hospital, in a complete state of panic, thinking this is it ,I could die at any second, and feeling totally alone. Fortunately I was fine. I suffered panic attacks and depression for about 6 months afterwards, and it was during this time dh had the snip. He is older than me, and his justification to the doctor was that he was too old for anymore children, yet I was only 31.

Now, I am very angry and resentful, I think he acted in a totally selfish manner, did'nt even consider how I might feel, or attempt to understand what its like to want a child. We talk about it sometimes when I'm upset, but I know deep down he's not too bothered as he's already 'won' the argument.
There are a couple of other major issues of control in our relationship, but this is the main one. Please could you tell me what you think, and if there is anyway we can get through it. Sometimes i think I don't really want to be with him anymore, as I just can't forgive him.

cjbartlett Thu 13-Oct-11 23:38:00

Maybe he was traumatised about nearly losing you though?
For some people it would be a deal breaker him going behind your back etc
You have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you, if you canvet over it and move on or if it's enough to break the family up over

buzzskeleton Thu 13-Oct-11 23:43:00

What is the other controlling behaviour?

I do think he was very wrong to make that decision without talking properly to you. It's fair enough if he decided he never wanted any more children, but to not even discuss it with you?

fannybanjo Thu 13-Oct-11 23:44:18

I have a friend who's DH had the snip straight after birth of their first daughter (IVF baby, born after long traumatic years trying) as she had such an awful emergency caesarean that he was traumatised and said no way could he go through that again. However it was a mutual decision.

Tricky one as if he doesn't want any more children, there's not much you can do, yes, he should have made sure you were 100% happy BUT it is his body. Men can be very selfish but would you truly want to bring a third child into your marriage if he wasn't 100% happy with it?

ChippingIn Thu 13-Oct-11 23:46:51

I would feel the same as you.

I don't know what I would do about it though - it's a rock & a hard place decision isn't it sad

I would need to talk to him and tell him how betrayed I felt and ask him why he did it 'behind my back'.

I would try to forgive him and get past it, but if I couldn't and it was making me very unhappy then I would definitely consider leaving him.

groak Thu 13-Oct-11 23:50:05

He arranged it independantly? Well, he arranged it, but he didn't go through with it until you had attended a counselling session, have I got that right?

If so, other posts make me think of the same things, you have 2dc, your 2nd dc was a very traumatic birth, you were convinced you would die and had depression, I suspect your dh has thought 2dc, family complete, he doesn't want another traumatic birth that could result in him losing you. He might be ignoring this because he thinks he has done it for the right reasons and knows it can not be reverse so doesn't understand why you are still focusing on this.

did you discuss and agree on dc3 or is it that the option has been taken away from you that you are angry with?

what are the other control issues?

buzzskeleton Thu 13-Oct-11 23:52:24

I think the counselling session is obligatory, rather than something the dh arranged.

groak Thu 13-Oct-11 23:55:08

aaah, i see, so no proper gesture of involvement then...

fannybanjo Thu 13-Oct-11 23:56:55

There's no WAY I'd leave the man I love because he decided he didn't want any more children. However if he was a bastard control freak then that's different.

Unfortunately, in relationships, we sometimes want different things and it doesn't make someone a twat because they don't want a third child and did something about it. We have to accept sometimes that life isn't what we want all the time.

I'm a firm believer in two sides to a story and I'm always a bit hmm when reading on relationship threads when people advise someone to leave their DP. Not saying that's what is happening on this thread but i hope it doesn't become one of those "what a fucking controlling bastard" threads.

seriouschanger Thu 13-Oct-11 23:58:07

was your dh frightened that the next time you had another baby the next dvt would kill you?

He did discuss it with you in counselling, but were you traumatized after nearly losing your life. Did you agree to it then? You feel cheated too.

It sounds like he was doing it for you too? need more info as buzz said.

richardarmitageismine Thu 13-Oct-11 23:59:29

I guess my problem is that this was completely 'his' decision, and he did this when he should have known I was going through a terrible time, and he seems to have taken advantage of it. He's actually said one of the reasons he did it was that he knew I might want another child eventually, so he had the snip so that it was'nt possible!

groak Fri 14-Oct-11 00:05:51

but if he had the snip so you couldn't have another child, was that because of the traumatic birth and the risks that a third birth could bring? Ie, losing his wife and mother of 3 children if, God forbid, you passed away due to issues in a third birth?

It would help with a bit more info. I must admit, other than the comments re there being other major control issues, my gut instincy here (not that it's worth much!) is that your dh has been traumatised by possibly losing you (and was tere any risk to your dc?) and didn't want to ever have to face that again. If my dh had seen such risks he would have done everything he could to prevent losing me.

I appreciate you were depressed and might have found this period f time a blur, but your dh has obviousl wanted to go ahead with this, and sadly depression has no set time span or expiry date, so I'm guessing it wasn't reasonable for your dh to postpone this until you had dealt with your depression?

Hope I don't sound out of order with this, and I apologse if I do, but is it possible you are worth a lot more to your dh than you realise? You have obviously taken his decsion very hard, but there seem to be overwhelming clues as to why he did it and often they point to you! smile

groak Fri 14-Oct-11 00:06:47

I mean his valuing of you, not in a negative way!

fannybanjo Fri 14-Oct-11 00:10:06

I also think that him seeing you in such an awful depressive state will have made his decision easier. When we have suffered PND, we have no idea how hard it is for others around us too and I'm sure your DH
was desperately concerned that if you had another child, you'd suffer again. I'm not saying he was right, I just want you to look at it from his perspective. smile

BustersOfDoom Fri 14-Oct-11 00:13:50

I'm with groak. From reading your OP your DH had the snip so you wouldn't die having a third child. Quite how this is selfish I'm not sure. He must have been worried sick about losing you after the birth of DC2 so quite understandable that he did what he did, if things were as bad as you describe.

But I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about it. You obviously feel that there is more to it than that and that he has used the traumatic birth of your DC2 as an excuse. I think this is something that you can only resolve by talking to him, about his motivation. We can only second guess it.

richardarmitageismine Fri 14-Oct-11 00:13:55

I appreciate after reading my post that it may seem like dh may have done this as a result of what we went through, but I don't think this is the case. I mention it, as a way of explaining why I 'went' along with it at the time. When we have talked about it recently he never brings up the traumatic birth as a reason for not wanting more children.

fannybanjo Fri 14-Oct-11 00:18:27

But you can't force him to want another child. It's makes you as controlling as him and I mean that sincerely and not nastily. I don't mean to sound mean because it's not my intention to but I think it's something that you may have to just let go of, otherwise, it'll ruin your marriage - unless, is that what you want? A way out?

groak Fri 14-Oct-11 00:19:47

Has he given a reason why he had the snip? Was it soley because he didn't want more children? Did he not want more children prior to the traumatic birth and had he been specific about that, or did this decision seem to be formed after the birth?

As fannybanjo said, we all want different things and failing to agree on a number of children to have isn't reason to leave someone.

Did you want 3 + dc and your dh did not? Are you angry because the option was taken away, and if so, would you have exercised the option and had athird child or would you have chosen to have 2 anyway but just dislike that dh has drawn a line without your consent?

fwiw, dh really wanted 3 dc, but after dc2 I made it very clear I wasn't wanting three, and put forward a short straight case for it. dh has since had the snip and whilst sometimes whistfully mentions the '3rd child' overall he agrees 2 is fine.

fannybanjo Fri 14-Oct-11 00:22:48

Sometimes you have to not look back as otherwise, past endeavours will destroy the future. You have three daughters and I'm assuming you are well now. Yes, I'd love a fourth child but DH wouldn't even entertain it so I have to get on with it. If he had the snip, I'd accept that as a grown man, that's his choice, likewise he would, if I decided I wanted to be sterilised. It would be different if he hadn't told you whatsoever but you were made aware.

fannybanjo Fri 14-Oct-11 00:24:14

Sorry - you have TWO daughters, bad typo there blush

groak Fri 14-Oct-11 00:26:23

When you talk about it and he doesn't mention the birth, is it because it isn't a reason or just because he doesn't actually want to talk about it because he too found it traumatic? A birth that goes brilliantly can be awesome for a man to watch his child being born. A man who, having no control over things in a hospital environment (theatre especially) sees his partner's life in danger, his dc's life, well, he might just not want to focus on or think back to that point it time?

Maryz Fri 14-Oct-11 00:26:42

I know it seems horrible, but you know, he does have the right to decide he doesn't want any more children.

He may have done it for selfish reasons, or financial reasons, or because he got such a fright that he didn't want you to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. Or he might possibly have done it to piss you off (I don't actually think that, reading your posts), but that is really irrelevant - he has a right to not have any more children.

If you came on here saying "I don't want more children, but dh does, you would be told to go on the pill, or take precautions. You wouldn't have to check with him first.

For what it's worth, dh went and had the snip without telling me. Where we are I didn't have to be asked or counselled or anything - in fact he needn't have told me. I was a bit upset at first (I might have wanted another), but he had valid reasons and I have to respect those. Just as if I wanted to be sterilised I would expect him to respect my reasons.

groak Fri 14-Oct-11 00:28:07

Think my dh had the snip when i said 2 was enough and suggested i get sterilised rather than long term health implications of other contraceptives (he wasn't that keen on abstinence...)

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