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DH being very negative - what can I do?

(14 Posts)
anloro Wed 12-Oct-11 21:50:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 23:29:02

I don't think it's your fault. How is it your fault? hmm The thing that changes at the weekend is that dh is at home. He doesn't sound capable of enjoying their company hmm.

Maybe you need to step back, perhaps go away for a weekend and see if he rises to the challenge. Or perhaps parenting classes (for you both to make it more palatable to him).

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 23:29:35

He might find them easier when they're older. confused

wicketkeeper Thu 13-Oct-11 09:44:21

Does he have any experience of other people's kids? Try going to places as a family where there are lots of other kids the same age. It might give him a more realistic level of expectation.

anloro Thu 13-Oct-11 09:58:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Thu 13-Oct-11 09:59:29

The fact that he is unwilling to engage with the children beyond nagging them is the problem - why would anyone want to listen to someone who clearly doesn't like them very much? He hasn't given himself a chance to build up a proper relationship with them, so he's at sea when it comes to engaging with them. You need to sit him down and explain how much stress this is causing you and the kids and then you need to help him, bit by bit, to build up a more positive relationship with them.

If he says that he hates bathing them, you need to say tough, that's part of being a parent. What a ridiculous attitude to have.

Do you have a Wii? That can be a great way for you all to play together and have a laugh.

anloro Thu 13-Oct-11 10:14:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anloro Thu 13-Oct-11 10:24:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpkinsmash Thu 13-Oct-11 10:42:02

My take on this? He just finds small children irritating when they are not behaving as he wishes them to. It is very hard to 'control' 5 and 3 year olds and behaviour is erratic. He probably struggles with this and fails to understand why he can't get them to do as he wants.

Unfortunately, for him, it's tough shit... part of being a parent isn't it? I wouldn't be too analytical about it tbh... he needs to learn how to moderate his moods and deal with them effectively.

Is he likely to be open to a discussion about it all?

CailinDana Thu 13-Oct-11 10:53:48

It might be worth talking to him about his expectations. Perhaps he has learned his mother's ways and he feels any bad behaviour reflects badly on him? It's utterly ridiculous to say "Why can't you behave like a grownup?" to a child! He needs to remember that he's the adult and he's the one who needs to be tolerant and in control when children are acting up. Yes every parent gets angry and annoyed but it's not fair to show that to small children who aren't able to deal with it - it is essential to stay calm and discipline the children appropriately.

Have a heart to heart with him about being a dad - you might be surprised what he comes out with. My DH was very distant with DS when he was very little (he's only 9mo now) and I was getting more and more pissed off until one day when DS was about 3mo I came down to find DH crying with a fractious DS in his arms. It broke my heart and I asked what was wrong. He explained that he felt awful that he couldn't calm DS like I could and that he preferred to just stay away rather than fail at being a dad. I had to reassure him that DS cried for me too but that I was bound to find it easier as I was more used to him as I was at home with him more. I held his hand through looking after DS for a while and now he's bloody fab with DS - has more patience than me even!

cestlavielife Thu 13-Oct-11 11:14:21

my exP was like that.
he did/does have some MH issues including depression and anxiety. v. hard to live with. much better lviing wihtout!

if he doesnt accept that he has a problem then this will just continue.
stop trying to please him.

if he doesnt like weekends with his family he needs to live elsewhere.
if he is depressed it is his responsibility to seek help.

of course kids light up when he nice and happy - it doesnt make up for extreme behaviour shouty etc.

it isnt a way to live for them.

think of specific examples where your h kicks off - are tehyr eally excessively naughty things from dc?
what do other families you know do in those situaitons how does the dad react?

start keeping track and analysing your h behaviours -
what happened
how he reacted
what happened next
after a week or so analyse -
what is reasonable to change - his reaction or the antecedent?

should your dc be kept walking on eggshells in case of next outburst?

he hates bathing them? so?? what does he suggest otehr than that you do this?
what does your h actually like?

you could sugest your both go to parenting course together and see his reaction - if he recognises an issue he will agree.
if he does not he wont.

anloro Thu 13-Oct-11 11:14:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistyMountainHop Thu 13-Oct-11 11:15:46

are you married to my DH op grin

<watches thread for ideas> sad

cestlavielife Thu 13-Oct-11 11:16:32

he would hate spending time on his own with his own children who at 3 and five are no doubt a joy to be with?
what does that say about him?
does he at least take them out to park or ??? on his own?

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