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I can't carry on like this! DH not helping at all...

(17 Posts)
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 20:25:31

Before I begin I shoulld say that he gos through phases...sometimes he does a lot n the house.

I work from home self employed....he works 4 night shifts per week from midnight to 7.30. We have 2 DC aged 7 and 3. The 3 year old is in nursery three days a week.

At the moment I have a LOT of work on...I am literally squshing about 10 days of workk into 7 nd this involves me being up from 7.30 to get the kids ready...then till around 1.00am to finish my work.

He does take the DDs to school...leaving me in Pjs to work...but on 2 days, little DD is with me and then when he comes home he has to sleep of course as he is shattered. SO I try to entertain DD, do playgroup sometimes, and work a little. Then I do school pick up and come back....often clean up again and cook. he gets up to either cook or jut to eat depending on how tired he is. then he lies on the sofa and watches TV.

he says he is SO tired he can't do anythng so I tell hm...go to bed again then. He wont. So atm I am meant to be working but he is in the spot where like to work in the sitting room which has the only decent chair....too big for the kitchen. I am SO cross.

He is shattered but wont sleep! I am cleaning,cooking, schooling and working and earning tmain wage. DD agd 3 has a cold and keeps waking and she only want me....and he wont even TRY to clm her.

thisisyesterday Wed 12-Oct-11 20:31:43

hmm did you post recently about him and school runs too?

i think it's a really difficult situation actually. I can imagine that he must be utterly shattered when he's working nights, but I think that when he has his "awake" time he needs to be pulling his weight. and not being where you need to be to work.
that said, do you think you might be nitpicking a bit because you are annoyed with him aynway? i mean, does it really matter if you can't sit in that particular chair?

I think it would be worth sitting down with him when neither of you are too stressed (ie, not when either of you have just got in from work) and just each maybe writing a list of things that are bothering you, and a list of things you feel you "need" to make things work smoother?
then work on ways to make it easier for both of you?

i'm sensing a lot of resentment from you, which may be clouding your judgement a bit on whether he is justified in doing/not doing things?

thisisyesterday Wed 12-Oct-11 20:33:57

is there any way he could change job or at least change shifts?
could you add another day of nursery in?

Kayano Wed 12-Oct-11 20:40:25

Why should he change his jobs or shift when Op has already said she is the one with too much work on...?
Can you not cut back your workload a bit or take less work on? Ten days work in a seven day week is a lot for anyone, and him working nights will be getting to him too...

I think you need to have a proper sit down and discuss your options because otherwise you will end up resenting each other sad

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 20:47:13

"Too much work" is the only thing keeping us afloat.

It DOES matter that I have tha chair as I have a very bad back. He won't look for a different job. He hates his job but has no get up and go.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 20:48:58

I am going full on from 7.00am till 1.ooam...6 hours sleep and then its back to childcare, cleaning, cooking and what is basicalya full time job.

I am this close to not doing the work tonight. It's 9.00 and smallest DD is howlng for me....I just told DH that he HAD to try and settle her as I am done. Ican't do anymore.

thisisyesterday Wed 12-Oct-11 20:49:48

because one person has to, and as the OP is the main wage-earner it seems silly for her to do it.
plus, if he worked during the day then presumably it would be easier for BOTH of them as he would not be so tired.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 20:50:38

When DD cries for me, he won't even TRY to settle her...but let her run down for me. I then have to settle her and then come back to my work. It's too much! I have NO time for myself at all. Not even to meet a friend. But we have debts from 3 years ago when he was deppressed and we got by on credit cards....

KathyImLost Wed 12-Oct-11 20:53:16

Ok, he's tired. Night shifts = not much fun. BUT he's only working 7.5 hours a day. That's less than most people. Most people get home from work, stay awake for a further 5 or 6 hours, then sleep. In those 5 or 6 hours he can do plenty of helping. He already takes the kids to school (good) but he has until, I dunno, around 3pm till he goes to bed? Time to cook a meal, clean up, put a load of washing on.

Moping about would do my head in. If he's insistent on doing night shifts then he needs to make it work for everyone.

You have my sympathies!

motherinferior Wed 12-Oct-11 20:54:39

I think I've said it before: you've got to get childcare. Got to. You cannot, simply cannot, work with a child around. I'm really sorry, but really something has to give.

motherinferior Wed 12-Oct-11 20:55:50

And if you can't afford paid childcare, he has to to do it. This is absurd and horrible.

thisisyesterday Wed 12-Oct-11 20:57:00

mumbling... what do you need, to be able to do your job?

comfy chair? laptop?
what I am getting at is... could you go somewhere else and do it? round to a friend? to a cafe with free wi-fi? just somewhere else?

or do you have any spare room in the house you can work in? you say right, from x-x i am working. you do NOT disturb me, the kids are your responsibility now. and then you lock yourself in?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 21:34:37

I can't work in a cafe....or in anyone elses place. I need total quiet. No spare room.

I have given up tonight. It means I will have to catch up this week n basically no available time. He "tried" to settle DD and basically lost his temper. He has a hard time sleepng in the day and also in the night....he basically has a sleep disorder I think. But he won't go to the doctor.

At night he has night terrors and he IS probablyexhauseted. But I am getting worn out...literally.

I lost my temper with older DD before nd feel bad. sad

DH wont talk to me now.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 21:36:15

I want to put the DDs iin one room but DH keeps procrastinating on sorting out the furniture...we'll need bunk beds but when I try to suggest buying one he always says "we cant afford it" or the ones we can afford he thinks are crap. He wont make do and mend....if its not the best its not good enough.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Wed 12-Oct-11 21:37:48

childcare would be possible but it's expensive...and we are only JUST getting on top of things. It would set us back and we have no working like this is the only thing that makes it possible to get by...and we should get a car next month which might help the school run thng.

Tryharder Wed 12-Oct-11 21:49:59

I think he is being pathetic. Sorry. He's working 30 hours a week. I sometimes work from half seven in the evening until 6 the next morning, go home, then go back in again to work the same day at half seven... repeat upto 5 times. And still look after 3 children, do housework etc.

He should come home at 7.30 and go straight to bed whilst you do the school run etc. He then gets up at say 11am and basically takes over for the rest of the day whilst you do your work.

He then goes to bed with the kids at say, 8pm has a couple of hours kip and then goes back into work.

Obviously on the 3 days he's not working, he can keep normal hours.

Nights are shit but perfectly doable if you plan your sleep right.

thisisyesterday Wed 12-Oct-11 22:02:25

k mumbling, if you NEED the space then just order the bunkbeds. go on ebay, go to ikea.. whatever.
it's not a huge deal to just go out and buy them, it's what I would do.
then rope in a friend or 2 to help you move their room around.

he sounds like he is being a bit of an arse tbh and I have to say if it were me I'd be having serious words with him. something here has got to give and you BOTH need to figure out what that is.

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